I don't even remember the dream, just the intensely overwhelming, soul crushing jealousy...It sucked.
A while back, I admitted (here in print no less, to be forever etched in some little corner of the internet) that I was incapable of truly having a romantic/intimate relationship without D/s.
It was one thing to admit it--a little bit brave, a little bit scary, a somewhat uncomplimentary feeling. It was admitting that I have a line in the sand which will always be redrawn, whether I like it or not.
It's another thing though, to now be in a place where I no longer desire D/s, no longer crave it, no longer live it. And face the fact that my past admittance holds true--I am truly incapable of any real form of romantic intimacy without Dominance and submission.
Yet here I sit. With absolutely no desire to resume the workings of D/s, no craving or need for the sensations which come with slavery, no intention of slipping back into the roles we held for so long.
The thing is...I'm married.
In a relationship which, by its very nature requires romantic intimacy.
Forever.
And right now? We aren't good. Not really.
*bump*
ReplyDelete*Bump back*
DeleteI am certainly not judging, just clarifying. You don't feel like you can have a relationship that doesn't center around D/s, but, at least at this point in time, you don't want anything related to D/s?
ReplyDeleteCan I ask if this lack of D/s desire is with him specifically or D/s generally? And where does he fall with this?
I wish you the best. I know how complicated life can be without all these stressors and emotions. I hope you find what you need, whatever that may be.
CM, pretty much yes to number one.
DeleteThe lack of desire is D/s in general, and anything related to sex. He...Yea, not cool with it lol. He says he has a problem with me pretending to be something I'm not (something about me having an inability to be happy if I'm not in my place, and D/s being the one thing that makes me truly happy) and want and need are two completely different things.
Thank you for the well wishes!
Lil,
ReplyDeleteI honestly believe that our kids, hearts, psyches, whatever you want to call it, can only handle so much. There comes. Point that something has to give, and if we don't consciously let something take a back seat, our psyche will do it for us. I've been in the point that D/s was what ended up going, sometimes intentionally and sometimes not at all. Before D/s, it was our relationship, or marriage that had to just coast, disassapear, wait it's turn. I think I couldn't have a relationship that isn't D/s either, because of that, I think my marriage and my slavehood are one in the same. All the work you (and Alpha for that matter) have done over the years is what makes it safe now to focus on other things. I'm sorry it sucks right now tho. I hope it starts to turn a corner.
"minds, hearts, ...." not "kids" sorry.
DeleteThank you for this, gg.
DeleteFunny thing, I vacated a seat in favor of the floor for him the other day (as I have been automatically doing since forever). He laughed at me and pointed out that some things will never change no matter how much I think they have...
I think I agree with greengirl.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if the best thing is to ride it out or push yourself back into it. There is only so much a person can handle (you've got a lot on your plate!), but then again, having a moment of sun in the midst of a storm gets us through a lot...
Misty,
Deleteevery time I think that I've reached my life limit of what I can handle, something else pops up! It's inhumane I tell ya.
And yes, those little moments of sun do make such a difference. But only if you're not too busy staring at the clouds to see them...
I've been absent from this community, so I'm far from up to date....it sounds horribly uncomfortable and challenging. Another layer of powerlessness? My heart to yours,
ReplyDeleteSaoirse
Saoirse,
Deletewelcome back from your absence! It's nice to see you here (though this blog doesn't have much to offer these days).
It is challenging. And quite possibly character building, which are both terribly overrated experiences.
lil, there are times in a relationship of long standing that we begin to question it. There are peaks and valleys and sometimes the valleys seem so damn deep you wonder whether crawling back to the peak is worth the effort. Lately, your world has been ripped away and things you believe to be your safety net are gone. Youre feelings and emotions are raw - and your words are reflective of that. Be kind to yourself, and instead of looking at the big picture, take one day at a time. Alpha is probably experiencing many of those same feelings. We're on the outside looking in, only you know how to fix things. Put a spring in your step and on your blog, see how that makes you feel. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, sunnygirl.
DeleteTaking things one day at a time has always been a challenge for me...
No advice...just- hope things get better for you soon and go from "not good" to "good" again. Stress can be a real libido killer, maybe that has something to do with it?
ReplyDeleteTamar,
Deletethank you!
And yes--stress isn't helping.
Awww Lil...no advice...just sending lots of prayers and positive energy.
ReplyDeleteHugs and Blessings...
Cat
Thank you Cat! Lord knows I could use an extra dose of positivity.
DeleteSending huge (((Hugs))) Lil. I agree with Leigh. You are both going through a huge upheavel and change. I think too, we go without for long enough we start to believe we 'can ' go without, and don't want it anymore.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
Thank you, Roz.
DeleteI'm starting to realize that thinking I can go on just fine without something, and actually doing so, are very different things...
I concur with many of the others, you are both going through a lot, which is stressful, give it time.
ReplyDeletemany hugs, and only an email away
x
tori,
Deletethank you! I'm afraid that all my email correspondences are terribly plaintive these days...
You sure it is not just the winter blahs? A lot of people are going through that.
ReplyDeleteksst,
Deletewinter, life, dunno...Might be largely my own personal weather, if that makes any sense...
reading both the post and your replies to comments,I'm wondering if it isn't so much that you don't want D/s as that you don't want to want D/s? If you see what I mean/
ReplyDelete(((hugs))) anyway, it all sounds very stressy and sucky. Does having sex get you more in the mood to have sex? Just wondering because I've found sometimes that helps, but to be honest it just sounds like you're dealing with an awful lot at the mo xx
mc kitten,
Deletehmm, he said something terribly similar about not wanting to want it...
Having sex doesn't get me more in the mood for sex. Well, sometimes. I think I'm just having major issues turning off my brain, and that's not helping anything!
I can't fully imagine what you're goign through as my stresses are probably fewer, us being together shorter and without kids and all.
ReplyDeleteI hope slowly over time, things get better and what you need/want becomes clearer; that you are both able to start reintroducing it into your lives.
Lea,
Deletekids do seem to add a whole new layer of complexity to it all...
Thank you!