I had a dream last night...He was with someone else.
I don't even remember the dream, just the intensely overwhelming, soul crushing jealousy...It sucked.
A while back, I admitted (here in print no less, to be forever etched in some little corner of the internet) that I was incapable of truly having a romantic/intimate relationship without D/s.
It was one thing to admit it--a little bit brave, a little bit scary, a somewhat uncomplimentary feeling. It was admitting that I have a line in the sand which will always be redrawn, whether I like it or not.
It's another thing though, to now be in a place where I no longer desire D/s, no longer crave it, no longer live it. And face the fact that my past admittance holds true--I am truly incapable of any real form of romantic intimacy without Dominance and submission.
Yet here I sit. With absolutely no desire to resume the workings of D/s, no craving or need for the sensations which come with slavery, no intention of slipping back into the roles we held for so long.
The thing is...I'm married.
In a relationship which, by its very nature requires romantic intimacy.
And right now? We aren't good. Not really.