Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Fantasy Sadists

I have lots of random thoughts fighting to get out first. From  stupid people completely lacking in common sense, to (figuratively) dripping sex, to working the phrase "Deviously dangerous" into a sentence about BDSM (so what if the inspiration for that was a troll on another person's blog, and it wasn't meant as a compliment? It's gonna be a great sentence one of these days lol).

I'll try to only go in one direction at once with my twenty two cents.

Since we had the house to ourselves for a little while, we took full advantage. For Alpha "Taking full advantage" often means doing things that elicit sounds of pain from me.

I informed him that I am not a masochist after all, and that "The fantasy of belonging to a sadist was so much more fun than the reality."
Much to my surprise, he looked at me thoughtfully and said, "You should do a post about it. I think that many people have the fantasy, but feel differently about the reality."


Alpha indulges his sadistic tendencies in little ways quite often, but what he really loves, what really gets him off, is the sound of my pain.
Given that our kids are with us 24/7, it's not a sound that he gets to hear very often.

According to him, "There's nothing sexier than the sound of a woman in pain."
The sound that comes from the pleasure-pain combination does something for him that just...

The fantasy of a sadist is hot.
It's sexy, and dark, and mysterious, and scary, and exciting, and fulfilling, and dangerous, and well--it's hot right?

The reality of a sadist is, well, it's all of those things. But it is also very different. It can be unpleasant, unwanted, inescapable, and...Just downright painful.

The reality is that he will hurt you until his desire to do so is sated, until his need is fed, until he is done.
Not until you no longer want it, feel that you have no need for it, or until you think that you are done.

In fact, in my experience, Alpha will not quit until long after I am sure that I can take no more.
It seems that before then, his experience remains incomplete. And to get what he needs, he has to take me beyond what I need.

Sometimes it scares the shit out of me. And the fear gets me off. Then getting off feeds the pain. And my pain gets him off.

The fantasy sadist will give you what you want, and just as much as you think you need.
The reality of a sadist is that he will take what he wants until he has gotten what he needs.


  1. And you're right ... the reality sadist will take what he wants until he has gotten what he needs....

    While I can't speak for all sadists, I find Myself in a different category. One that has the appropriate self control despite the deep dark hauntings. For this Sadist at least - it's about the emotional, mental and physical exchange I get out of it. Not just the squeal or the tears or the biting of one's lip .. it's also the fear of "what's next" .. that fear that you know you're going to be alright on the other side of things, but the not knowing which route it's going to take ....

    I'm not sure that makes much sense - but while I can do "pain for pain's sake," I find My deeper cravings to be more personal, more intimate than just beating someone until I've expended My energy...

    Good thought bubble you had :)

    1. Michael,
      I like the points you make here (which is one of the interesting things about hindsight after hitting the publish button lol).

      I'm not sure that a sadist who doesn't have self-control falls into the category of someone any healthy person would be happy to be with--those indulgences do have to be tempered to a certain point if one is to have healthy relationships.

      I think that ultimately, it is about something beyond pain and expenditure of energy--Alpha would not enjoy it if there was no pleasure in my pain.
      It's one of those things where the emotional and mental can't really be taken out of the equation. For me anyways. There is a line beyond which something pure and beautiful becomes something truly awful and bad.
      In large part, that fear you speak of is what attracts me to S/m. More so than pain.
      It's like an energetic self-feeding exchange...And the exchange is stronger when we are in the position of sound being part of the equation. Perhaps because we can let go more. Well, and he likes the sound lol.

      Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. They made a lot of sense.
      I can only hope that my reply made sense as well lol.

  2. I like the fantasy version much better.

    Know what you mean about a great sentence like Deviously Dangerous. Ronnie of Heart & Soul had one last week and I asked permission to use it in one of my future stories. Sometimes, those phrases just ht a chord.

    1. sunnygirl,
      lol--I think that many of us do.

      The ironic thing about that "deviously dangerous" sentence is that the comment which inspired it was sooo condescending and anti-BDSM--they found it deviant and dangerous. Lol.
      There is a certain ring to it though...

  3. Intersting subject. If i had to sum the bossman's sadism up i would says its sexual sadism, when we engage in s/m sex in any form does not necessarily have to take place, hurting me sates him sexually as it does me being hurt.

    Yes its often not nice, and i like that its not nice (afterwards, when its over and im coming down) often but not always i dont like it at the time, i really really want him to stop.

    There is more i want to say but i shall go to my own little space rather than take up yours lol


    1. tori,
      it is something that revolves around sex for us. I think that, without the sexual element, it just wouldn't work for us.

      I find that the anticipation of before, and the afterwards are what I like most.

      You're always welcome to take up as much space as you want here lol.
      I look forward to dropping by and reading the long version of your thoughts!

  4. I am really pleased that you did this post. You have made me do a lot of thinking. I am having a difficult time figuring out where exactly our sexual relationship fits and there is just so much involved. I have been pushed beyond what I thought was too much but it wasn't too much because I didn't use my safeword. My husband gets off on the sounds of me in pain but we don't always get to go that far because like you there are kids 24/7.
    Thanks for sharing this with us (me). I have some thinking to do.

    1. Blondie,
      Glad to hear that you're happy about the thinking (I often get that kind of comment phrased as a complaint lol).

      Kids around 24/7 does change things doesn't it?

  5. lil: Lovely post.
    A lot of your writings/posts drive home the point: Submission isn't about what "I" want it is about what "He" wants (and I love that because that 'mantra' resonates with me/us as well)
    And I think that spirit of sentiment is so clearly written in this post as well. Fantasy versus reality...one *you* create the other...is creation that in this context, involves more than one.

    1. Bleuame,
      thank you.
      I think that it being about what he wants not what I want is coming through a lot more lately because it's something that has taken me a ridiculously long amount of time to really comprehend...

      I think that perhaps that is where reality and fantasy most often clash--the fantasy is ours, but the reality is a shared experience. Even when that experience involves the fantasy.

  6. Great post and comments too.
    That old fantasy versus reality sure gets tricky at times.

    1. Thank you nbs.
      That whole "reality versus fantasy" thing really can be rather complicated, yes.

  7. Another great post, lil!

    Even though he may do painful/mean things to me my Master is not a sadist. He does not need to see me in pain to get excited. However, seeing how it excites me does get him excited, and he does push through what I may find "enjoyable" at the moment to reach that state of "way too much" that I crave.

    I personally don't need a sadist. I know others do, but for me, and for him, we are just right for each other.

    1. ksst,
      Thank you!
      I wouldn't say that Alpha was really a sadist either--he doesn't need it, and control figures in much more for us than pain does.

      However, he does have sadistic tendencies, and when he indulges them, this post pretty much sums up how it plays out.

      There's really something to be said for having someone who is right for you--it's rarer than one might think.
      And yea, I don't need a sadist either--I'm the world's crappiest masochist lol.

  8. Sadistic tendencies- yeah, that pretty much sums it up here. And I'm with you on not being much of a masochist. My "owies" are someone else's mosquito bites. It's ok, though, I have no envy of the heavy masochists, the main thing is that we are good for each other.

  9. Have you been reading my mind ... lurking in my bedroom ... checking out my tumblr?! This is my conundrum! I have fantasies about my Hubby being a sadist, but because we are never in the house alone, our reality is far milder. And then, when we have the house to ourselves, and his sadistic side comes out, I wonder "What the hell was I thinking wanting this?!" And not just in a sort of "Wow this was dirtier/uncomfortable/more boundary pushing than I thought," way, but in a "Ow! oh shit oh shit oh shit!" sort of way. The fantasy is way better than the reality, but the fantasy isn't real. If I want it, if I want the sadist to come out now and then to play (because he wants it and I'm all sorts of messed up and need it even as I cry), then I have to pay the piper. But whew! wouldn't it be nice if fantasy sadist could teach real sadist a thing or two and if pain was just an illusion.

    1. SublimeWifey,
      no, no, and nope, though I'm thinking that I might want to check out that tumbler!

      The thing is...If they didn't enjoy it, it wouldn't be the same. But the reality is always better afterwards and before for me lol.

      Do you ever look forward to when your kids grow up and move out with excitement tempered by terror? I do lol.


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