Think about what you want and what happens if you actually get it.
I also think I know some of why he wants me to let go.
And as silly as it sounds? I believe it is very much for my own good.
I think he's a little curious where I'll go, and perhaps a little nervous where we will land. But really, he knows I have to be all in. All or nothing. It's not the most amendable trait, but he knows it well about me. And that's never going to happen if I don't simply...Surrender.
I have also come to a realization about the events of this week. Normally, after a taste of really letting go, I withdraw and fortify the walls. I didn't do that this time.
I used his actions/non-actions as an excuse for why I shouldn't do it.
Same thing, different method. And it took me all these angsty posts to come to that conclusion.
I know I'm a slow learner, but it could be worse right?
That was this morning...Tonight, well...It's one of those times where I'm going to read this in the morning and it may not make any sense at all.
When he took me into the bathroom, opened the cabinet, and said "disrobe," I knew it hadn't been an empty threat.
I wanted to squirm out of my own skin as he sat down and waited for me to undress. Watching every movement with an almost complete lack of expression.
I think it was the most humiliating experience of my entire life.
When we came out, he spent a few minutes on the computer while I sat at his feet in a haze. Seriously, the gnomes could have painted my living room purple, and I don't think I would have batted an eyelash.
At one point when he was fucking me, he whispered, "One of the reasons sex is such a big part of our D/s is because it's the thing you have the hardest time giving."
See, he gives me answers when I'm receptive. Unfortunately, that's also when I tend to forget things.
The thing here is that I realized something tonight--D/s is my water, and humiliation is my addiction.
Humiliation is deeply disturbing, a delicious darkness, it does something to my psyche that nothing else quite touches.
I remember the first time he did something really humiliating to me me, and how terrified I was that he couldn't possibly love me afterwards, how he said that he loved me more because of what I was willing to do for him, how incredibly safe and loved I felt when it was over. And he had more respect for me than before.
There's nothing quite like when someone can take pleasure from placing you at your very lowest, seeing you at your very worst, and accepting you for what you are in the end.
Being humiliated by Alpha is raw, vulnerable, complete surrender. I know this sounds weird, but in a way, it's like being without skin--there's nothing left between you.
That squirm, the slight sensation of fear, the floating and mindless acquiescence that humiliation brings is...Well it's just delicious. It turns me into a wanton, dripping, malleable, whore, who will crawl on her knees and do anything he says without question.
And he loves me when it's over.
I shouldn't be writing...I feel like a puddle of sex and submission and something else...Me?