Sunday, April 8, 2012

Delicious Darkness

In the span of twenty seconds against the fridge while hearing and feeling some very convincing things, I got it.
No, really!

Think about what you want and what happens if you actually get it.


I also think I know some of why he wants me to let go.
And as silly as it sounds? I believe it is very much for my own good.
I think he's a little curious where I'll go, and perhaps a little nervous where we will land. But really, he knows I have to be all in. All or nothing. It's not the most amendable trait, but he knows it well about me. And that's never going to happen if I don't simply...Surrender.

I have also come to a realization about the events of this week. Normally, after a taste of really letting go, I withdraw and fortify the walls. I didn't do that this time.

I used his actions/non-actions as an excuse for why I shouldn't do it.

Same thing, different method. And it took me all these angsty posts to come to that conclusion.
I know I'm a slow learner, but it could be worse right?


That was this morning...Tonight, well...It's one of those times where I'm going to read this in the morning and it may not make any sense at all.

When he took me into the bathroom, opened the cabinet, and said "disrobe," I knew it hadn't been an empty threat.
I wanted to squirm out of my own skin as he sat down and waited for me to undress. Watching every movement with an almost complete lack of expression.

I think it was the most humiliating experience of my entire life.

When we came out, he spent a few minutes on the computer while I sat at his feet in a haze. Seriously, the gnomes could have painted my living room purple, and I don't think I would have batted an eyelash.

At one point when he was fucking me, he whispered, "One of the reasons sex is such a big part of our D/s is because it's the thing you have the hardest time giving." 
See, he gives me answers when I'm receptive. Unfortunately, that's also when I tend to forget things.

The thing here is that I realized something tonight--D/s is my water, and humiliation is my addiction. 

Humiliation is deeply disturbing, a delicious darkness, it does something to my psyche that nothing else quite touches.

I remember the first time he did something really humiliating to me me, and how terrified I was that he couldn't possibly love me afterwards, how he said that he loved me more because of what I was willing to do for him, how incredibly safe and loved I felt when it was over. And he had more respect for me than before.

There's nothing quite like when someone can take pleasure from placing you at your very lowest, seeing you at your very worst, and accepting you for what you are in the end.

Being humiliated by Alpha is raw, vulnerable, complete surrender. I know this sounds weird, but in a way, it's like being without skin--there's nothing left between you.

That squirm, the slight sensation of fear, the floating and mindless acquiescence that humiliation brings is...Well it's just delicious. It turns me into a wanton, dripping, malleable, whore, who will crawl on her knees and do anything he says without question.

And he loves me when it's over.

I shouldn't be writing...I feel like a puddle of sex and submission and something else...Me?


  1. Humiliation is a funny old thing i think, i love it but then i question is it truely humiliating if i love it? lol yeah there i go over analysing again.

    I see humiliation as a tool to achieve escapism, to be able to let go of vanilla pressures, expectations and to just be.

    tori xx

    1. tori, I think that over analyzing is what we do best lol.

  2. Ah, walls. I also tend to put them up after "letting go". It's something we're working on together here.

    I love what you had to say about humiliation. It's also something that is very important to me - something I need, for whatever reason - and I could never put into words exactly how I felt after a session that included it. Now you've done it for me (thank you so much!): the fear that he can't possibly love me afterwards. But my Master does say to me that is precisely what he loves about me - that he can do things to me that very few other women would allow, and that I trust him.

    Beautiful post and one to which I can relate, as always.

    1. Wnedy, I think that walls are almost always a work in progress--when you spend so much time building something, it's hard to tear down in a day.

      Glad the post came out somewhat coherent and made sense!

  3. We've never been into the humiliation aspect of D/s. To tell the truth, we're not big practitioners of D/s. But we've never understood humiliation as sex play, or the power it holds. Thank you for enlightening us.

    1. Jack and Jill, I felt pretty enlightened when I wrote the post lol, but those moments rarely seem to make sense to others.
      As are most things of power, humiliation can be dangerous. But also quite delicious--if it is your cup of tea anyways.

  4. Thanks for sharing, lil. I struggle a bit with the humiliation concept, and I hadn't thought of it in the way you describe. Maybe this will help me understand better...

    1. Jake, I'm working on a follow-up post...Maybe it will even make it to the blog lol.
      I think that when one is the object of humiliation, it is slightly easier in the beginning of that type of exploration than when one is inflicting it--you just accept and be as the receiver. As the giver, I think that concerns about the consequences, meanings, etc. can be a lot.

      I think that most of us, to some extent struggle with the concept. My all-time favorite post describing the positive impacts humiliation can have is here:
      I think she did a brilliant job with that post.

  5. Like Jake, and Jack and Jill I also do not respond well to humiliation. In fact I respond by becoming majorly depressed and I too confess I do not understand how anyone enjoys getting. It feels like what bullies do to their victims, and I am sure it gives them satisfaction. . I am trying to embrace it by understanding it from others who do enjoy. Thanks for sharing your life and thoughts.

    1. Serafina, I'm c/p the same link I gave in my response to Jake.
      I think she did a really wonderful job describing how humiliation can be a positive thing for some of us.

      I think that bullying is an attempt to make oneself seem more powerful at the expense of another person; whereas, humiliation in the context of a D/s relationship is about humility, breaking down walls, bringing two people closer, not by making one "better" but by seeing each other for what we really are when we strip away the trappings of decency and daily life.

      I guess that, much like anything else, the impacts and benefits (or damages), are an individual experience.

  6. Wow lil, I just read your last post and then this one. What a roller coaster, I am just a little dizzy, lol.

    I also think it may have helped me with a bit of the roller coaster I seem to have hopped on the last few days. Hmm...lots to think about. I think I'll go ride the merry go round now, it doesn't make me so dizzy :)

    1. faerie, Yea, I'm giving myself vertigo lol.
      Enjoy the merry go round--I think it's much better than the roller coaster. Less far to fall and all.

  7. Sounds like you both had some much needed quality time. :)

    1. Viemoira, omgoodness yes! It was incredible and as you said, much needed.

  8. I've been thinking about humiliation lately. Not the degradation kind, but more of an embarrassing soul bearing type. It's something I'm finding that I want to explore.

    1. Lea, it can be a very interesting and rewarding experience. I hope that you find your explorations rewarding.


Play nice.