We humans tend to be quite reward oriented, which in itself is not necessarily a bad thing.
It seems to me, that the problem with this attachment to reward arises when we get too caught up in expecting reward from external forces.
I don't feel like submission should be about what I get out of it, what I get back, my rewards.
It shouldn't be about expecting something in return for simply doing as I am supposed to do.
Pleasing is not about getting rewarded, it is simply about being and behaving in a way that he find pleasing. With the knowledge of having done so as its own reward, and an internal sense of fulfillment that doesn't require praise.
Here's the thing...If one doesn't know that how they are/what they are doing is pleasing, then one can merely attempt to avoid behaviors which are not pleasing.
Still, submission and the acts inherent to its existence, need to come from an inner desire to submit, an inner desire to please, and inner drive to live your life as yourself.
I would venture to say that, in the context of a relationship, submitting merely for what one can get out of it, keeps the experience on the shallow end of possibility. It avoids the the depths to which submission is capable of taking us.
To say that Dominance and submission is all about me and what I want or need, would be to take a selfish and ultimately convoluted approach to the whole concept.
At the same time, being human has its pitfalls.
Knowing that I please him, knowing that I am special, knowing that my submission is appreciated, the feeling of being actively owned--those things give me fulfillment.
I feel like his acknowledgement of my submission validates me as a submissive.
I need to know that, after nearly 15 years, he still finds me beautiful, still finds me interesting, still enjoys me for who I am as a whole.
Because underneath it all, I am simply...A human woman, with all the quirks and inconsistencies inherent to my kind.
While I do crave the trappings of whips and chains, the demands and physical expressions that remind me of who and what we are, it is the small daily moments that inspire me.
It is having him in my head and knowing he cares, that encourages me do and be the best that I can be as a submissive.
Submission, for all its trappings of passivity, cannot succeed as a
passive endeavor. Just as passive Dominance will only go so far towards
Submission is important to me because submissive is a part of who I am.
Knowing that it matters to him too, makes me feel like I am important to
I should submit out of an inner desire to do so, without a constant need for him to drag it out of me by conquering every step of the way.
Knowing that he truly cares whether I submit or not, that the quality of my submission matters, that my submission is important to him--I need that validation. Perhaps I shouldn't, but I do.
I think though, that is the expectation of validation that causes issues.
Ultimately, to please should be its own reward. But to be told that one has pleased...Well, that somehow makes it easier I guess. Even if it shouldn't really matter.
It feels like my musings and struggles have become excessively monotonous and repetitive.
Maybe I just need more coffee...