Finding Beauty in the Beast

It is interesting what we find when we pull away the layers of what we believe ourselves to be.
We see life in a new light when what we think is ugly becomes beautiful.

From an outside standpoint, tears are not pretty, pain is not graceful, and there is very little of what we call beauty in the raw state of being created when everything we think ourselves to be is stripped away.

Yet...There is beauty in the beast. Because stripping away the superficial takes away all that is impure, everything that is not truly real, and leaves us as we really are.

Underneath our fears, underneath everything we think we are are, behind what we want people to see, on the far side of darkness, beyond our inner scars and outer turmoil, there is beautiful and terrifying truth.

There is beauty in humiliation.
There is purification in pain.
There is freedom in bondage and control.
There is release in blood sweat, tears, and fear.

Daily life is very much about constructs--what we want people to see, who we think we are, the superficial aspects of reality wherein we place so much import.
But underneath it all, we are very basic and primal creatures.
Life is about birth, death, survival, love, joy, pain, blood, and tears.
So many of these things which to which we ascribe ugliness, are truly beautiful underneath the surface--because they transcend the superficial face that we place on our reality.

There is love in the sadist, and pleasure in the masochist.
There is freedom in slavery, and strength in submission.
There is danger in the beast, and safety at Master's feet.
There is blindness in the light, and purity in the darkness.

So much of what we spend time on and think about is superficial.
We get swept away by our need for survival, the demands of our cultures, our preconceived notions of beauty and propriety, the defining concepts of society, and the scars we carry from old wounds.
It becomes easy to forget that underneath it all, we are perfect beings struggling with being human.
Some of us want what we need, others need what we want.
And within all those struggles of being human, we forget the art of simply being.

There is ugliness in beauty, and there is beauty within every beast.
There is infinite release in being broken, and tender cruelty in the act of breaking.
There is cleanliness in BDSM, and denial in the pursuit of purity.
There is safety in vulnerability and danger behind walls.

I think that what is so attractive about the Master, is the seemingly conflicting fact that inside the white knight there lies a villain, within the rescuer lies one's abductor, and the purveyor of one's fears carries the ultimate security.

Perhaps what is attractive about the slave is placing the queen on her knees, the surrender when her will becomes one's own, the freedom of caging the untouchable, the beautiful truth that appears when she is stripped down to nothing more and nothing less than what she is--the owning of something truly wild and previously untouched by the world.

Sometimes, when we stop looking and close our eyes--we find that there is beauty in the beast.

It's Not About the Easy Things Is It

While I do believe that D/s shouldn't be a constant struggle, I also believe that it is very much not about the easy things.

If we only submit to the which comes easy or pleases us, then we are just having fun for fun's sake. Which is fine, but it keeps the act just that--a superficial act designed for our pleasure. Not the enhancement and growth of D/s in our relationships, or a deeper level of power exchange.

It's not really power exchange if I retain my ability to pick and choose our activities, how far we will or will not go, what I will or will not accept.

I think back to the beginning, and all those times when I was so sure he was doing it wrong.
All those thoughts came from my efforts to control where we were at, where we were going, and how we were going to get there.
That's all a bit contrary to submission (see, I'm capable of understatement too).

Even in those cases where I want to be pushed further; challenged more; taken a step or two beyond what I am comfortable with; when he refuses to do so, that in itself is an expression of power exchange. Even though accepting it isn't always easy.

But after all, submission and slavery, for all their inherent simplicity, are not always about the easy things.

Limits are very much about the illusion of comfort, a safety net to keep us in our safety zones--sometimes they are there to keep things easy. Oftentimes, they exist for a very good reason, but sometimes they are just buffers used to keep us where we think we should be.

I accept that the limits he chooses are the limits I live within.
Since we have things in common that neither of us would ever do, there was never really any negotiation about limits for us. He allowed me to think I had my own for a number of years. Eventually the illusion faded, and I accepted that the only limits I have are the ones that he creates.
It's not always easy, but very little worth having or doing is actually easy.

I think I'm on the road to recovery--I seem to be capable of excess rambling thoughts once again!

And I'm pining for a fix I cannot name in one word, a dose of my drug of choice, a feeding for my addiction...And even in denial of those things, I am reminded of what I am.
I am a piece on the board of his game. The stakes are generally high, but the rewards can be great.
Because ultimately, ttwd is not about the easy things.

A Very Cool Website

When we first began exploring ttwd, I found a website that I fell in love with.
While Alpha was not into reading everything my overzealous little fingers found, he did read quite a lot on that site, and we were both sad when we realized that it was no longer available.

But somebody saved her pages!

So, for anyone just starting out with D/s, who might have asked me where they could find good information, (or for anyone who hasn't asked for that matter) I recommend that you run over and check out the writings of Mistress Steel.
Steel's Chamber Scrolls (reprinted)

I am not familiar with the website's owner, and am far to busy getting acquainted with the couch to read his site right now, but I do know that the page I linked to with Mistress Steel's writing has a lot of great information written by her.

Random Insanities from the Sick Ward

"Why don't we play anymore?" Said in my best sick voice. He leaned back and gave me a warning look (my germs were clearly getting too close for comfort).

Why exactly is it that the cravings set in when I can barely breath and have been pronounced contagious and  untouchable?

Okay, so maybe they were setting in before lol. I made this small Christmas list you see. Think "Letter to Santa that you wouldn't want your mom to see. Ever."

He seemed to approve...Then eventually, he said "Get them."

Um...Here's the thing--both items were my idea. So if he was really interested, he would have ordered them right? And since he didn't, maybe he wasn't, so I didn't.
I'm sure that made perfect sense to someone...

Our undercurrents keep me steady. The subtle existence of power exchange keeps me sane through daily life. But sometimes? Sometimes I feel a bit like that little kid who wants to hang out at the playground. And yes, I have been known to drag my feet and beg for "Just a little bit more please?"

Of course, one must first get to go to the playground before begging to stay for more.
I'm trying to be good, but no one wants to play with a sick slut. Which would sound perfectly reasonable if said slut wasn't me lol.

Can we move straight on to Spring now?

This week, I have decided that life is the definition of insanity.

We spent Christmas at my moms, and the early afternoon was lovely. By late afternoon she was feeling quite ill, by evening she had proceeded into a minor breakdown and I ended up spending the night with her.
I'm worried about her health--both mental and physical.

Then after I got home, I got a call to work tomorrow, which I'm not complaining about because sadly, two days in one week is more than I have had all month. Though naturally, I seem to be getting sick for the first time in nearly a year...
And tomorrow morning, on the other side of the country, my niece has surgery to replace her pacemaker batteries and possibly one of the leads into her heart.

Did I mention that it's supposed to snow again tonight?

Isn't it Spring yet??

*Wanders off to drink copious amounts of medicine and possibly polish off a pie*

Formspring # 14, Happiness and Functioning Without A Dominant

"How do you satisfy yourself as a submissive without a Dom? It's like an overwhelming need, and I'm out of control, but since i don't have one...I need to somehow learn to be happy and function. Any advice?"

I never get questions that I know the answers to...

In all seriousness though, I have often heard that overwhelming need described as sub frenzy--"I need it, I need it all, and I need it now."
It's a pretty difficult and consuming place to be, and I think that many submissives experience it. Unfortunately, it can cloud our better judgement. It's a bit like being ruled by one's hormones as a teenager--there is so much new and wonderful to discover, that we pay less attention to self-preservation and reality than we do to the possibilities of getting what we want.

I think that it's important to find things that fulfill you as a person. One must own oneself and have a strong awareness of who they are before anyone else can own them and know them well enough to successfully Dominate them in a long term D/s relationship.

While I can see how your position could be difficult, you also have the opportunity to develop an understanding and knowledge of yourself and what you need before entering a D/s relationship.

My advice would be to focus on other things that make you happy, and work on coming to a deeper understanding of yourself.

Reality can be very different from the D/s we fantasize about, and the Dominant we build in our imaginations. When a D/s relationship is a thought form, it can be anything we want it to be--without the constraints and facts of reality.
In my opinion, keeping that fact in mind might help you to enjoy the reality that you have now, more than the reality you want in your future.
I doubt that many of us spend a whole lot of time swooning over the prospects of mopping and dirty socks.

I know that this was probably not extremely helpful, but your question was about something that I don't really have any experience with.

I have had a couple of Formspring questions where readers left brilliant comments that shed a tremendous amount of light on the subject.
Blogland tends to be a bit slow over the holidays, but I would advise checking back and seeing what others have to say.
Though I do think that, because submission and happiness are such individual things, you are ultimately the only person who can really figure out the answer to your question.

December...

I'm not hugely fond of people. Therefore, it's not much of a surprise that I despise going anywhere in December.
After taking my mother to the doctor in a different town, driving back to her town, visiting four different stores, and temporarily forgetting where I parked, I retreated home vowing not to venture out again until Christmas. A vow which I was gleefully informed that I did not have the authority to make...

In short--December is kicking my butt.

In other news, being the property of a grade A procrastinator is going to put me in the looney bin.
Seriously, there has to be some submissive manual that clearly outlines the proper procedure wherein reminding does not become "nagging," and there's a happy compromise between my idea that things need to be done "right now, (but preferably yesterday)" and his approach that things can be done "a day or two after day after the day after that."

It's funny in print, but it is actually one of my biggest submissive struggles...