Monday, December 24, 2012

Formspring # 14, Happiness and Functioning Without A Dominant

"How do you satisfy yourself as a submissive without a Dom? It's like an overwhelming need, and I'm out of control, but since i don't have one...I need to somehow learn to be happy and function. Any advice?"

I never get questions that I know the answers to...

In all seriousness though, I have often heard that overwhelming need described as sub frenzy--"I need it, I need it all, and I need it now."
It's a pretty difficult and consuming place to be, and I think that many submissives experience it. Unfortunately, it can cloud our better judgement. It's a bit like being ruled by one's hormones as a teenager--there is so much new and wonderful to discover, that we pay less attention to self-preservation and reality than we do to the possibilities of getting what we want.

I think that it's important to find things that fulfill you as a person. One must own oneself and have a strong awareness of who they are before anyone else can own them and know them well enough to successfully Dominate them in a long term D/s relationship.

While I can see how your position could be difficult, you also have the opportunity to develop an understanding and knowledge of yourself and what you need before entering a D/s relationship.

My advice would be to focus on other things that make you happy, and work on coming to a deeper understanding of yourself.

Reality can be very different from the D/s we fantasize about, and the Dominant we build in our imaginations. When a D/s relationship is a thought form, it can be anything we want it to be--without the constraints and facts of reality.
In my opinion, keeping that fact in mind might help you to enjoy the reality that you have now, more than the reality you want in your future.
I doubt that many of us spend a whole lot of time swooning over the prospects of mopping and dirty socks.

I know that this was probably not extremely helpful, but your question was about something that I don't really have any experience with.

I have had a couple of Formspring questions where readers left brilliant comments that shed a tremendous amount of light on the subject.
Blogland tends to be a bit slow over the holidays, but I would advise checking back and seeing what others have to say.
Though I do think that, because submission and happiness are such individual things, you are ultimately the only person who can really figure out the answer to your question.


  1. One thing that really helped me was having someone safe to talk about BDSM, submission, kink, etc. Someone who had no interest in being my Dom or any interest in me besides friendship and my well being.

    It definitely is overwhelming mentally, emotionally, and physically when it's brand new. Or even when it's not and you suddenly find yourself without a Dominant partner.

    I started making friends in the online community first. Then branching out to in person friendships, and winding up at munches.

    For me, it was the step I needed to remain clearheaded. I could get my fix of bsdm and kink without having a dominant partner. I have a network of people I can turn to at any time for advice and help.

    Blogging has helped a lot too. Getting all of those emotions out there and sorting them in my mind. I would definitely suggest writing at some level, just to pinpoint where you are now and to see what you need to work on within yourself before you find a dominant partner.

    My two cents worth.


    1. Thank you for sharing your two cents Jas.
      I think you made a great point about being able to let it out in some fashion--that really does make a difference.

  2. From One Submissive to AnotherDecember 24, 2012 at 5:53 PM

    Well I've some experience with this..
    When my Dom went away to work I was without him for 4 months, not a really long time but definantly long enough. Keep yourself busy, really busy. Sounds corny but when I wasnt busy thats when my thoughts went nuts. I worked out a lot, read (mostly D/s books which really helped), spent a lot of time with family and friends and started doing hobbies that I used to like but stopped doing when I was with him. At first it sucks, but it does get easier and eventually the new things you start doing help substitute that burning need a little bit. Man I know how you feel, just wanted to run to where he was so many times to get my D/s fill, but with him a couple provinces away it just wasnt possible. I'm leaving to go back to school at the end of the summer so I wont be with him for about 6 months at a time for a couple years and as much as it will suck those things I did before is what I'm going to concentrate on. Sorry for the long post, hope that helps.

    1. From one sub to another,
      Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

      I hope things go alright when you go back to school!

  3. All I can say is THANK YOU for the advice and support. I feel really alone right now. There is no one to talk to about D/s, my family is extremely religious and I live in the middle of nowhere!
    I've been married for fifteen years and I love my husband, but after I married him, he told me that he was into BDSM and a submissive, also didn't know if he was straight or not. Umm...hello, I married him because he came off all Alpha all the time and I needed that. It was like he killed me. Since then, we've both been miserable, but have stuck it out because we're both alone. We co-exist in the same house. I take care of everything...I'm the strong one, but I'm denying a part of myself that is screaming that it's had enough!
    He has repeatedly told me to go find a Dom, but it's not like I'm just going to go off and meet some creep somewhere...that's just crazy. I'm stuck. I am very busy and I'm also a's my release. I feel like I've tried everything I can to keep myself happy, but at some point, I'm going to fall apart.
    So to make a long story longer...I mean shorter, I can't satisfy myself in the way I need...I'm miserable. I need this magic answer and I'm guessing it doesn't exist. I was hoping though...;)
    I've spent fifteen years getting to know myself...I suck-hehe :-)
    Anyways, I'm happy you are all in a dom/sub relationship, maybe some day I'll find mine.
    I trained with a Dom before marriage, and that fulfillment is just impossible to forget. I know...I was stupid to marry someone that wasn't a Dom, but he wasn't honest with me and we met at age fifteen. He knew that I went to visit the Dom and even encouraged it, God I was only eighteen and very naive.
    Okay, so now I've written all my baggage out here like an idiot, but I'm very grateful to hear that others have at least experienced some of the same feelings.
    I will strive to keep busy, keep writing my books, and hope that someday the chance to be happy again will come.
    Thank you,

    1. From One Submissive to AnotherDecember 25, 2012 at 8:09 PM

      You are an amazing person for spilling your guts, not an idiot. I get it, theres nobody to talk to about this. I tried talking to a friend when she came to visit me. She looked at me like i had three heads and in the end i just felt stupid and shes been my best friend for ten years. Dont worry you always have blog world and all us subs who support you. Just concentrate on the strong women all of us like this tend to be!

    2. Callie,
      Well, in light of your situation, my response was probably incredibly unhelpful wasn't it? I have decided I don't really like the formspring box--it just doesn't have enough space to give details!

      Do please feel welcome to email me anytime if you want to chat (email address is at the top of the sidebar under "contact lil").

      I have dumped an enormous amount of baggage out onto this blog, and have yet to have anyone call me an idiot, so no worries! As Jas said, sometimes it's just good to be able to let it out.

      While I think that it's wise of you not to search out random Doms, at least you know that it is an option if you do find one who's not a creep and is accepting of your situation.
      While self control and moderation can be very good things, denying strong parts of ourselves can be very painful, and I think that perhaps not viewing your situation as absolute and eternal might be helpful for how you feel about life.

      Only fifteen years?? I'll be thirty in March, and I'm still trying to figure myself out lol.

      I think that you will have your chance to be happy, it might be one of those things that you have to reach for when it comes, but most good things are.

      Good luck1 I hope that, while my post might not have been helpful, the support from Blogland made a difference.

  4. No comment except to say Merry Christmas to you, Alpha and the kiddies

    1. Thank you sunnygirl! Merry Christmas to you as well. I hope that you had a lovely day.

  5. Just wanted to stop by to wish you and Alpha a Merry Christmas, lil. Hope it's been a great one!

    1. Thank you Jake! Merry Christmas to Joy and you as well. I hope you had a wonderful and semi-sane holiday.

  6. Thank you From One Submissive to Another, that is very sweet of you to say and be supportive. I'm new to the blog world, but hopefully it will help. My friends would die if I told them I was submissive....maybe I should tell them-hehe. I gave one of them my manuscript about a submissive and she's reading it right now. Once it's published, I'm guessing everyone will know. I don't care anymore, they can either like me or not. I'm tired of keeping this side of myself hidden.
    Anyways, thanks again. :-)

  7. Thank you all for your post it was just what this one needed to here or read

    1. Anon,
      I am glad that you found something of use to you here.


Play nice.