Sometimes submission is a struggle for me. I read these stories by women "I always agree, I never rebel, whatever He wants whenever He wants it", and so on and so forth. I don't know what to think about that sometimes. I'm not like that...I generally Try to be, but inevitable life's circumstances will send me back into my mode of questioning and dissecting everything. When it comes to submitting sexually, it's not usually a struggle (note that I said "usually" lol). But when it comes to daily life and things that worry me or make me mad, it feels like a whole different boat. M is out of town again and we had a little tiff on the phone. There has been some conflict with the people he is setting our move up with. This makes me concerned because it's our life and our kids future's. In situations like this I have a tendency to get irritated and question M's decisions because people make me mad and He tends to be fair to the point of being unfair to Himself and His family. Yea, I was pushing for Him to tell me what happened and He told me to quit "prying." I got mad. Sigh. I felt like He was telling me not to pry into my own life. He's going to be working hard and so am I. The difference is, He loves what He is going to do, and I hate what I have to do but agreed to it because I have the skills and it will go a long way towards buying this house if we can live off money I make and put His income into the house. I have grown up enough to realize that if things aren't set up in a way we both like and feel is fair, then I am going to be really put out about the massive amount of work I will have to do. When I'm living in a constant state of irritated/pissed, life sucks for me and everyone who has to be around me. Not saying that's a great character trait or anything, just that I know myself and try to catch my issues before they flare up. I just feel like we are floating in limbo while He makes sure everyone else's family is happy. I'm tired of being in limbo and, while it's one of the things I love about Him, I wish M would look out for His/our own interests more than those of other people.
To top it off, when we talked on the phone last night, M sounded awful. He said He didn't feel well and He really sounded ill. That made me feel bad for being argumentative, and worried about His health. Yet it also made me more mad at the same time because He is doing everything for them while they sit on their asses.