I read a blog post by Sir J, about when a Dom is not. It got me thinking about this crazy month we have had here at home. Things were going really good. Then one night M worked really late and got home after one AM. He ran over our cub at the gate. The cub was an amazing animal. A five month old arctic wolf. He is now buried under a lilac bush. It devastated our boy and I. It absolutely crushed M. I was afraid He was never going to be the same again. To top it off, He is still in the process of quitting smoking and it went out the window for a few days so He had to start all over again. He has been really down since then. It's hard to watch your tower of strength crumble to the ground and come along trying to pick up the pieces when you just want to curl up in a little ball and disappear yourself. So, as a submissive, how do you cope when your world is in turmoil and your Dom is...not? I can deal with it okay for a few days at a time. We are all human and no matter our strength, we all have some of the inherent weaknesses that come with being such. And that's alright. Sometimes I wonder if being M's submissive has impacted my ability to deal with His hardships. This month has really sent me on a rocket ride from hell. I mean, I'm not completely useless. I can take up the slack and watch out for Him when He needs it. I can be strong and supportive. It's just really crushing to see Him feel weak and vulnerable for such an extended period of time. I know it's because of the cub and nicotine withdrawal, and the stress of making such a drastic move to another state to put everything we have on the line for a dream. Somehow coming to logical conclusions doesn't make things any easier though.
M is my best friend, my lover, my Master, my confidante, my life. I feel alone because I know I need to be keeping my stresses to myself right now and I have no one else to share them with.
Okay, after wallowing in self-pity a bit more, and re-reading this post, I figured out wth is going on with me these days (I doubt it will last, I had the purpose of life worked out several months ago. It lasted one whole week!). M has always been strong. In our almost 12 years together, we have never endured times like these inside a D/s relationship. M has told me I am His strength. That when He read for me in the beginning, Strength was the card given Him. He says it has held true and lord knows, I try. The funny thing is, M has become the gage by which I decide all is alright with my world. If He's good, it's good.