The rules of the game have changed tremendously over this last week. I don't know how well I'm adapting. "rules of the game" seems to be a very ironic suggestion since we have moved so far from "games" we aren't even on the same planet lol.
I'm dazed and confused. So confusion is no stranger, but still, my mind feels a bit wrecked. Over the last few days, M has been very intense. We have these intense conversations in bed that make me squirm, almost every sentence He speaks is followed with "do you understand?"
I'm a jealous person. I have been for a very long time. I suppose that I would be less so if I was a bit more secure with myself, but I haven't been able to change that either lol. I found someone online for M to play around with...Yeah, jealousy is a brutal bitch. I guess it helps if you know and like the person calling your Dominant "Master"...Does it? Dunno. M said something last night that kind of got me going. The funny thing is, it wasn't sexual in the least. He said something about if we bring another woman to bed, it should be someone I can sit and have coffee with in the morning. Coffee...Hmmm, coffee's really not more personal than sex lol. But coffee implies cuddling, some kind of relationship other than empty sex? I'm not well versed in empty sex, I suppose coffee afterwards is not rare lol. It just cast the idea in a different light for me I guess. It didn't help that I got to see someone else call Him Master yesterday. I felt...displaced. I know that's silly, but that is how I felt. I also kind of figured it was just deserts for me; having once said that to other men online myself (well, I'd be lying if I said I remembered exact instances, but I'm sure I did. Sigh*). If I had had any idea of what that really meant, I would have never typed the word lol. Funny how things can seem empty and meaningless until we discover the reality of what they are.
I'm not sure what triggered the changes of this last week, I'm not even sure I object. Well, that's not true. I do. I object vehemently, but somehow I'm losing the will to push back...Maybe that's what scares me. Master's angel did a post (if I wasn't lazy I'd make a link to her blog, but I am and it's listed over to the right) where she talked about fear of losing her Master. I sympathise with that feeling because I have been struggling with that one big time. Because yes, shit we have no control over happens. No matter how strong the Dominant, accidents happen, illness occurs, etc. The further I sink into Him, the more I realize that I couldn't survive without Him. Not just in the physical sense. It's the mental concept of living without Him that sometimes make me wish we had never discovered this thing we call Dominance and submission. Okay, now I'm really rambling incoherently. As far as the other girl goes, what bothers me most, that she called Him Master, or that she didn't send Him the pic that He requested...No, what bothered me most is that she called Him Master when talking to me, not my Master lol. And after all, just because you hop online and type the word, doesn't mean you are truly giving the respect it warrants. Okay, so I think I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping the fangs tucked in, I'm sure someone will disagree with me but oh well.
The conversations M has been having with me at night are melting my mind. He's so clear and concise, He expects answers that are the same, and He does not tolerate evasiveness. He expresses little emotion, there's no anger, no laughter, no fluffy expressions of love. Just this bubble of truth and control that's so pure and intense it almost makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Or maybe into His. I dunno anymore.
M can be quite sadistic. I'm learning that His expression of it is, more often than not, mental rather than physical. If the physical expression doesn't get the mental response He wants to see, it seems to lack quite a bit of satisfaction. I guess while it can be fun to whip someone, it's also fairly rewarding to make them squirm and beg in the same manner without touching them at all.
He asked me, "what scares you more, the thought of waking up in the morning and having coffee with a woman we fucked the night before, or waking up with me in the morning and realizing what you did with another man the night before, because I'm throwing him out when we're done" uhhh. Ouch my mind. I got so carried away with thinking about the coffee I was quite able to avoid thinking about the other. I guess the thought of waking up and having coffee with the woman makes me jealous. The thought of waking up and thinking about what happened with another man the night before makes me feel like I'm standing in town square naked with a leash on.
M seems to find it entertaining that I can't seem to form words when He's asking me things, yet I can sit and write on the blog like a fountain. I have this feeling I won't find it entertaining comes our nightly conversation.