I think that I'm about to contradict myself twice in one post. Not the small sort of contradictions that you sweep under the rug before anybody notices either.
Did I mention that it's going to happen more than once all in one post? Coffee. Coffee is important here.
So...I have stated more than once that we will always be a happily married couple, with or without D/s.
After some deep introspection inspired by my longest "off" phase in the history of our dynamic, I realized that's bullshit.
For me, there's never going to be any kind of real "we" without D/s. With anybody. And by real, I mean the kind of love that makes your heart flutter every time you see someone; there would be no passion, no intimacy. And probably a sad lack of respect on my part. For me, D/s is passion and intimacy. I don't know how to feel true passion without it. And intimacy...Well, there's nothing quite as intimate as having someone crawl around in your mind and take over your body, is there?
My sexuality is inherently and completely wrapped up in Dominance and submission. Without D/s...
Dominance inspires feelings in me that I seem to be otherwise incapable of experiencing. Maybe those feelings of passion and intimacy are normal for
I have also said that D/s is like the icing on the cake, but it isn't really just the icing on the cake. Cake is good with or without icing.
When you make a layered cake, you put a dab of icing on the platter under the bottom layer of cake. Just a smidgen. Without that tiny bit of icing, the cake slides around when you go to put the next layer on, and is far less stable.
That little, seemingly insignificant dab of icing makes all the other layers possible, and keeps the cake from falling to the floor (yes, I realize that some of us are more prone to dropping things than others. Lets not point fingers. Ahem).
And the layers...humanity is made of layers, D/s is created out of layers on top of layers--icing holds the layers together.
So maybe I won't contradict myself too much with this one--perhaps D/s really is like icing. But not just the icing on top. Oh no...
I really relate to that. It's more than just icing. It may have started out like icing, a nice sweet addition to a a yummy cake, but somehow it transformed into the eggs, or the flour, or some other really necessary part of a good cake.
ReplyDeleteksst,
Deletehmm, you have a point there--I forgot to put eggs in a cake once...It looked like cake, but it was pretty awful...
Yes, that transformation happened with us as well.
ReplyDeleteEven when one is pissed and has a bad attitude and thinks she doesn't want D/s (which usually lasts for a max of a 1/2 hour) she knows deep down she needs it to be able to be maintain those intensely strong feelings of intimacy in our relationship.....and so does he.
dancingbarez,
DeleteSigh* what is with that whole thinking one doesn't want it then realizing that one has to have it and making the full gambit from one end of the spectrum to the other in record time? Happens to me more often than I like to admit...
It is so much more than just icing...altho icing is pretty good.
ReplyDeletehugs abby
abby,
Deletebut if icing happens to be holding your entire cake together...
D/s as intimacy glue - uhuh *nods vigorously*
ReplyDeleteplus I didn't really spot any major contradictions - good sweeping under the carpet skills!
mc kitten,
Deletelol! Thank you. I think I'm pretty good with the broom...
Maybe D/s is the cake AND the icing?? I'm just not sure I had a cake before, maybe there was a piece of candy--one that you eat only because it's the last one and you're tired of looking at it.
ReplyDeleteEither way, I feel the same way because, like you said, "Dominance inspires feelings in me that I seem to be otherwise incapable of experiencing."
Misty,
Deletedammit, now I wonder if maybe I had just never had cake, in which case, it's clearly cake...with icing. And sprinkles.
Do you know what I learned from your post today - that little dip of icing on the bottom of the plate. lol
ReplyDeletesunnygirl,
Deleteooh, it changes the whole caking world!
This made perfect sense, although for us there is no before as in its always been D/s i do confess that i am at times envious of those who transitioned from vanilla to D/s, i guess because there is that built in history, established trust is already there etc.
ReplyDeleteBut anyways, i settle for any part of cake i can get lol
x
tori,
DeleteI think that there are drawbacks and advantages to both ends of the spectrum of arrival to D/s.
At least with starting out that way, you clearly know where you stand!
And yea, I'll take whatever I can get too. Even if it's licking the plate. Lol.
Love this Lil, it's so much more than icing. I learned about the little bit of icing on the bottom of the plate too.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
Thank you, Roz!
Deletethat little bit of icing does make a difference...
I think this is a very brave post... or at least it would be for me. I have played around a lot (in my mind lately) with what "normal" is. And must my normal include submission? And if that is true, what does that mean for my relationship when it does not exist? I have not, as yet, despite drinking the recommended coffee, been able to absolutely state what you stated here.
ReplyDeleteYes, I suspect that I *have* to have submission, but I can't actually declare it. It is like a line which there is no turning back from. And you said it. And I took a deep intake of air when I read it. So, I don't know if it was a watershed moment for you, but it felt like a really big and brave thing to me. Thank you for taking a moment and being really big and brave.
As far as the icing - I always think of the breakfast analogy - because I love breakfast food and can never get enough of it - in breakfast, are you the chicken or the pig? Cause both are contributing, but the pig is definitely more committed.
Kitty,
Deletemay I just say, I adore this comment?
It did feel brave. It's kind of one of those lines that you can skate around forever, but once you state it's existence it's like writing in wet concrete and letting it set--there's no going back, not really.
Honestly, it would have been quite a bit more brave if I thought that he would read it. Because yea, defining big lines and all.
Maybe there's never really a time when our submission actually doesn't exist, maybe it's always there hiding under the surface and just feels like it's gone because it's retreated so far...?
Omg, lmao! I Love your breakfast analogy. Yes, there's no doubt that the pig is more committed. I think that I'd like to be the chicken, but...I also think that maybe we don't get to choose...Never seen a pig turn into a chicken!
LOL about him seeing what you wrote - yes, I wrote this on your post where H is unlikely to see it as well. I do quite a bit of that. Little posts as comments on other people's blogs because I am not ready to say it out loud where I am sure HE will see it.
DeleteHaving said that, it is a big line. Very big.
I very much relate to this. If we were ever to discontinue d/s, we would lose so much of our raw passion, and connectedness.
ReplyDeleteRiver,
Deleteit makes quite the difference, doesn't it?
So the thing is that there has to be some icing. It's the glue as well as the decoration.
ReplyDeleteAnd of course sometimes people just remove the icing (disdainfully) and leave it globbed on the side of the plate. I love icing and can't imagine doing that. Kind of a metaphor for life?
Fury,
Deletei hate it when people just scrape off the icing like that! I mean, some icing is really gross, but mine isn't! Guess I got a bit distracted from the metaphor there...
Right! It's not just decorative, and I think that sometimes it's difficult to realize that because it can be so damn pretty...
I would have to agree that our relationship is a layered cake and TTWD is the frosting that holds the whole thing together. I love your writing and this analogy!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Foxy Canidae!
Delete"dominance inspires feelings in me that I seem to be otherwise incapable of experiencing. Maybe those feelings of passion and intimacy are normal for those less fucked in the head'
ReplyDeleteI'm a Dom but this totally relates to me, just in the way that if I'm not dominating a girl.
Do you ever wish you weren't so obsessed with the whole D/s thing? I love it but at the same time I sometimes really wish I was more normal and less fucked in the head. Just wondering if you ever feel the same way.
P.S. really glad I found your blog, I love it
Anon,
Deletewelcome to my crazy corner. Thanks for taking the time to comment--I don't tend to get many of the Dominant ilk here. Glad to hear that you are enjoying the blog.
So, I had to think about this one for a bit. In the beginning, I was definitely obsessed. Like, frenzy, way overboard obsessed. Over the years...I don't feel obsessed, and I don't see my feelings about D/s as obsession--they just are. I believe that some people get to choose D/s. It is an option that they can decide to take or leave.
For others though, maybe it's not a choice--maybe it's a part of who they are and they are incapable of denying it, no matter how hard they try. That's what the "obsession" is for me: acceptance of the fact that it is, an always will be, who I am.
And yes, while time has made me more accepting of who/what/how I am, sometimes I do wish that I was a little bit less of what I am--that I could be turned on like a "normal" woman, that I didn't need it, that I could...Choose to be something different. I guess it's alright though as long as he's okay with my particular brand of fucked in the head.
I like to think that normality is a subjective experience, but such thoughts are not always successful...