For a few years, he had time. Time and energy. There was a micromanaging aspect to which I had grown terribly accustomed, and it's gone now. No time. No energy. I have been making a hundred tiny decisions a day. Word decisions. A "must" or a "may", sounds so small but defines how an entire business will function on the ground. There are so many words in my head, so many little decisions that make big differences. Those words don't go away. Always there is little miss independent...I absolutely cannot shut off. Ever. I eat, drink, live, sleep, and dream it. Every. Fucking. Moment.
Even right now...I have a call this morning, and I'm not really ready for it. So I'm writing this, and its there in the back of my mind, swirling problems and questions, intricate needs and a lack of understanding about how something is going to work. Nagging at my brain...
I've run so far from him. Not fast. Just a slow steady retreat, until the gulf was so great...Until he showed me again, a not so strange peek into his box of darkness. A simple thing, long ago agreed upon. Because submission is not about what comes easy.
No.
Slavery is not about the desires of the slave. It's about one's willingness to accept things which one is absolutely unwilling to experience...He reminded me that it is all or nothing, that if I draw a line somewhere then this reality is just a fallacy, an illusion, a game to be tucked away on the shelf.
If I balk at this concept of another woman, something which has been for so long, that thing held as absolute proof of where we stand and who I am. That I am his and I will do as he wishes, then I'm not all in. And we don't do halfway in.
I can't do it. I cannot function in a relationship, be little miss fucking manager, exist with some sense of stability, without feeling his control. Without that sense of absolute inability to make one single decision. Where it doesn't matter what the world is doing or thinking or how it needs to be fixed, because all decisions are his.
It was one of those conversations that as a little bit miserable, and a little bit hot.
And in the end we landed where we always do. He's the most gorgeous man I've ever known. And his dominance is like crack. He's my drug of choice, my one reality so strong that all other realities fade into him...
Lil, it will come.This new role-and a job no matter how important is just that-- that you are playing now, is so very new---just takes getting used to shifting all that in the mind, but what and who you are hasn't changed.
ReplyDeleteBleu,
Deleteit's kind of hard to feel like who I am hasn't changed since what I do and how I have to interact with the world is so different...you are right though--who I am hasn't changed. I just need to figure out how to still express it I guess...
Thank you!
"It's about one's willingness to accept things which one is absolutely unwilling to experience"
ReplyDeleteWow, that one pretty much hit me hard today.
ksst,
Deleteisn't it crazy how you can be rolling along and you come across one little sentence...
Lil,
ReplyDeleteOh how scary the shift is in ttwd. There have been some changes that have come my way that had me wondering if I could do this. In the end, I do. Because I am...his.
Hugs,
Kathy
Kathy,
DeleteI have learned that ttwd we do comes with many shifts, ups and downs, and various cycles...Some of them are exceedingly more difficult to adapt to than others though! They really can be scary...
It's lovely to see you around more, and it will settle, as Bleuame said its just getting used to the shift.
ReplyDeletex
tori,
Deletethank you! It's always good to see you.
I'm working on it! I've heard that I don't adapt well to change. Wonder whatever would have given him that idea? Lol.
This...
ReplyDelete"And in the end we landed where we always do. He's the most gorgeous man I've ever known. And his dominance is like crack. He's my drug of choice, my one reality so strong that all other realities fade into him..."
I know you're worried, about A LOT, but you have this wonderful madness with Him. Being "all in" is scary, but you can do it...you can do of for him. You *will* do it for him.
Maybe it's a matter of focusing on the whole, rather than the overpowering little pieces. I have no clue how to do that, so don't ask me how. Lol.
Misty,
DeleteOoh, I like that, "wonderful madness" I may have to plagiarize that one from you...
Hmm, I think you have a point about focusing on the whole. Sounds simple, so surely it will only take me a lifetime to achieve!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI know you've posted about this topic before and I still wish you lots of luck and know there is no way I could do this. I could be wrong but I can't believe he would want you to do something that is not what you want too - the hell with agreements that were made a long time ago in a land far far away.
Deletesunnygirl,
Deletehe makes me do lots of things I don't Want to do. Lol.
Hi, Lil. Long time lurker. I read every post. It does not matter that I am devoted 100%, even a slave cannot give up the absolute boundaries of herself, however much we want to believe that. For me (and I know that it's not that way for you), it would be impossible to accept a third because I am morally opposed. I am not able obey him rather than God on this issue, even if he wanted to, for reasons that are obvious to anyone who understands that we are slaves to God or darkness.
ReplyDeleteI also understand that many do not hold this view of monogamy, and there are other moral views, including polygamy as just one version of poly. I'm not really talking about "marriage" so much as I am about definition of self through recognizing and embracing our own values.
Maybe, just maybe, there is something within you that has a legitimate boundary that cannot be breached without harming you. Maybe your absolute slavehood is defined not by his definition of what you are and/or will or will not do, but by whoever you truly are bring devoted absolutely to his highest good. The destruction of yourself would then nullify the meaningful of your slavehood, since you would be abandoning your real self and giving him a shell?
Anon,
Deletealways nice to see someone de-lurk.
I think that we have very differing views on god, and slavery, therefor our definition vary greatly.
I think that we do all have legitimate boundaries within us that cannot be breached without harm. The key there for me, is being with someone who is willing to define those boundaries and make the right choices as to whether or not they choose to breach them.
Just coming back to reading this, and what you say sounds so familiar. An issue i've been dealing with myself, lately. If total submission was easy, everyone would do it. That's why they say it takes a strong person to truly submit, and with that, a strong person also has struggles to get to that point, even though its something we truly know we need. Its wonderful that in the end, you do know where you belong, and it works out. It always works out in the end if its supposed to.
ReplyDeleteGood luck
-ash
ash,
DeleteI does work out in the end. Though the middle can be a real bitch sometimes!