Tuesday, April 19, 2011

There's a vast difference between domineering asshole and Dominant man

I have touched on this subject before, but this post is for me myself and I--to try and figure out a way to express this idea to the deaf ears of someone who doesn't want to see the light as I know it. A way I can express the thought's in a D/s context related to the way I live and later strip most of that away for another's ears.

So, to put it into context for the readers who are not me myself and I--Regulars will know that my sister has chosen to replace one abusive relationship with another. Her twin called me yesterday panicking because sil# had called while fighting with her boyfriend, he had taken the phone away and told sil #2 to fuck off and refused repeatedly to let her talk to her sister each time she called back. My call was ignored. Alpha's call got an immediate call back. Long and short of it being, sil#1 intends to stay in the relationship.
Now, everybody fights sometimes,  I don't care who you are or how you want the world to see you--no one's in perfect agreement at all times. There is however, such a thing as excessive fighting, ie, when your house is always busted to shit complete with broken windows and upturned furniture, physical contact, inability to talk to family members, etc. All done in the presence of a three year old girl who happens to be my neice.

sil#1 spent the early years of her life idolizing Alpha, and I think it flabergasts (don't care if it's not a word) Him to no end that she would make the choices she does given that fact.

The thing is...I don't think she's ever payed attention to the vast differences between domineering asshole and Dominant man. Lets put it into list form for my convenience of reference:

Domineering asshole:
First and foremost, this man lacks self control, followed closely by an extreme and overwhelming tendency to be selfish and put his own needs before the needs of others. He in no way strives to better the life of his partner or encourages her to better herself. In fact, he often see's her attempts at bettering herself as simply an inconvenience that takes her attentions away from himself. He is cocky and often talks about how he "has friends" when informed that her family will only stand for his shit for so long and puts a fair amount of effort into limiting her contact with the people who love her. He is more than willing to live off of his partner in any way he can, while exhibiting a marked talent at contributing nothing to the relationship or physical survival of the couple. He will destroy her possessions and perform acts of uncontrolled violence in front of her child with no concern for that child's mental or physical welfare.

A Dominant man is first and foremost in control of Himself. He realizes that He cannot control anyone else without first being able to control Himself. While His needs are often first and foremost for His submissive, He considers the valid needs of her and family and puts them first whenever necessary. He not only strives to better the life of His submissive, but see's it as a priority for her to better herself and encourages healthy growth in her life and as an individual. He is not cocky and never makes statements that He is not willing to stand behind. He see's friends as irrelevant to His conflicts because He views such conflicts as issues to be dealt with Himself. He encourages healthy relationships with her family and friends and does not limit her access to those people who care about her--in other words, He realizes that isolation from other healthy relationships is detrimental and therefore does not seek to confine her away from them. He is not willing to merely live off the hard work of His submissive and to not contribute to the family's survival, in fact He finds it quite difficult when circumstances interfere with His ability to singlehandedly provide for His family's needs.
Any violence in the relationship is never performed in anger and falls into the realm of a BDSM oriented dynamic. And these things Never happen in front of children because there physical and mental health is forefront in all circumstances.

The differences are vast and relationship views and values vary widely. But one fact remains the same--a domineering asshole is Not the same as a Dominant male.


  1. Very well said but it's hard to get someone to recognize that when they surrounded by it all the time. We make excuses because we don't want to fail.
    Keep being there for her and one day she will realize her worth.
    Hugs :)

  2. Lil,

    I'm so sorry for your sister and your family's situation. Have you explained the difference between domineering and dominant to her?


  3. This is an excellent post...well thought out and defined. I'm sorry for the situation your sister is in also. Thank you for pointing out the difference between a dominant man who loves his submissive...and an asshole who loves himself. Very well said!!

    K's sweetie

  4. Brava!

    I have banged my head against that same wall most of my life - hoping, hoping... I know that it helped her to know she had support, even as she continued to make self destructive decisions.

  5. Awesome post. I'll be bookmarking it for when I need to whip out a good argument for a certain friend of mine. Thanks for writing this.

  6. You've clearly got a good handle on the difference between healthy and unhealthy. I hope your sister can find the strength to do the same. It's so hard to watch things like this happen and know that we are helpless.

  7. that's hard and heartbreaking. i hope your sister finds her way to happiness. discerning this difference is extremely challenging when you're in the thick of it. this is a very well thought and articulated outline of the differences between domineering and dominant. hugs to you.

    xo mina

  8. I feel for her -- because sometimes it's hard to make the break

    and she's attached to him -- and when you guys attack him?

    she defends.

    my advice?

    ask her leading questions - let her answer them -- and come to the right conclusion without telling her what to do

    How does it make you feel?
    Do you think he will ever change?
    Do you think he wants to change?
    How's (insert child's name) dealing with this?
    Is there anything we can do to help?
    what do you think needs to happen to make it work again? (follow up with -- do you think he would make that change?)

    let her answer questions -- without commenting on them other than to say -- "I'm so sorry"

    maybe you guys can lead her there a bit -- keep her out of the place where she's defending her man

    well -- my 2 cents -- I hope you guys can help her.


  9. I hope she smartens up, sadly my experience tells me not.

    I hope is some measure I live up to your definition of being Dominant.

  10. submissivebf, honestly, I think that's one of things that others me the most--that I have this beautiful and intelligent sister, and she does not realize her worth at all.

    Joss, that was kind of why I wrote the post, to start formulating a clearer explanation of the differences for her.

    K's sweetie, thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed the post.

    greengirl, that wall is a terrible thing isn't it?

    mockingbird, I hope that it helps with your friend, though like greengirl pointed out--you can bang your head against that particular wall for a very long.

    Tapestry, I wish I could pass that "handle" along! And I don't do helpless very well lol.

    Mina, I wish it was as easy to articulate with words in the moment.

    sfp, I think that's great advice. Tried it for years. Thing is, it never seems to make a difference either. I hope we can help her too. Thing is? You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

    Sir J, my experience with her tells me not lol.
    And well, the Dominant links on the right is a notably short list eh?

  11. Beautiful very informative post !!

    Needs to be said more often. It goes also for Females.. Dominant/ Mistresses..

    Big Differences between someone who cares for his Sub and his her needs... and Ass/ hole/ her who cares for himself! True dat :D

    1. Anon,
      thank you. It's always nice to get a comment on an old post like this.

      There is a difference, and it's a shame that so few can see it.

  12. Dominant Healthy people are rare breed these days...but not impossible to find

    And some get used to these sick abusive relationships even if it hurts them deeply and dont want to let go. Have desires there, but confuse it with Assholes ;)

    1. Anon,
      Yes, they truly are a rare breed.


Play nice.