Tuesday, March 13, 2012

When it's Not Okay...But it Can Be

So my little personal revelation the other day was...Not so little. I have issues lol (imagine that). And I spent years pretending I didn't. Yea, that doesn't work.
I have always felt like the "warning possible triggers ahead" disclaimer was, oh I dunno, excessively dramatic. So ummm, there's my version of "read at your own risk." I don't personally feel that the way it came out is disturbing, but there you have it lol. As usual, my writing is more about emotion and thought than the physical.

This is not a topic I have really chosen to highlight in my blog. Perhaps because I don't really like to put much thought to it. But I think that perhaps it is time to pull it back out and reexamine things because I feel like there's a shift in an area that I thought I had pretty wrapped up with a neat little bow.

The problem with storing shit in the closet, is that it is always in your home. I guess it's time to clean house some more.

When I was a kid we had these neighbors. They were about a couple decades older than my parents. She was a former school teacher and offered to take over my schooling. I think I was seven. I would also occasionally bathe there because of our water situation.
From then until I was 14 her husband screwed with me in various ways. Mostly mental. He spent seven years doing an amazingly nasty number on my head. Among other things, he taught me what talking dirty was. It's only been over the last years that talking dirty didn't evoke a horrible sense of filth within me (which explains why Alpha froze in shock the first time we were in bed and I begged him to call me his slut).
Lol, even now I have an aversion to actually speaking that way myself.

That was when I learned my disdain for people who know about bad things happening and do nothing. I was the last in a 35 year long train of girls. I got off lucky I guess--he was too afraid of my father to add me to his trophy pictures.
I also learned how one can feel dirty from the inside out.

When I was 14 my friends older brother had "something to show" me out back. Yea, he did. He showed me that it is possible to disconnect one's mind from their body. A few times as I recall.
It stopped when Alpha and I got together. He still frowns when the topic comes up and he is reminded that I didn't tell him the whole story then.

It's a painful mix, the feeling crawling under your skin and chewing on your mind, combined with walking away from your body.

I don't think I was "home" for many years of Alpha and I's mostly non-existent sex life.

To this day, men in control or in charge tend to make me nervous. Especially when they are bigger than me.
Oh the irony in that one--that which attracts me most also makes me want to turn and run.

Anyways...
Things changed when we began exploring ttwd. For a very long time I had felt...I don't know how to explain it besides that feeling where you really need a shower, but on the inside. And you scrub and scrub but you just cannot become...Clean.

That changed. I no longer thought about my past every day. I felt like with each step we took down this new path, a layer of crud was being stripped off.

I don't usually think about it very often anymore.
Until last night when I was standing in the kitchen and realized that I don't allow myself to feel sexual desire largely because I feel that it is wrong and dangerous for me to do so. And for the first time in my life, I consciously thought "it's okay to feel this way."

Call me a slow learner if you want, because it's something Alpha has been telling me for over a decade. But for some reason I never actually felt it until I was able to say it to myself.

My disloyalty to Alpha earlier in our relationship kind of contributed to the way I repress anything related to desire. It gave me a layer of self-created crud that I sometimes wonder if I'll ever completely get rid of.
We weren't D/s then, but after we went down this path, I often wished he would have punished me for it, and I do occasionally wonder why he never did. Perhaps the emotional mess of our life at the time was enough punishment for both of us.
Though the more control he takes, the more it fades.

We were talking a while back and he said that I didn't have to worry about it anymore--because the decisions regarding my body are his to make now. He told me that all I had to do was put his desires before those of anyone else, and that he would place the needs of our children and myself before his desires.
Fair enough right.
Yea, I flopped into pure doubt there and asked what happened if he couldn't control what I let out. He smiled and said that he had is doubts about the possibility, but if he couldn't, he would just shove it back in the box.

I don't think that I really believed he could control that aspect of me until last night. When I told myself it was okay.
Ooh, okay, so letting go is about trust. I suddenly get that--Just because I trust him implicitly doesn't mean I trusted his ability to control whatever I let out. I love it when concepts click.

I debated turning off comments on this post because...Well because over all I was lucky. I got off pretty easy all things considered. And I am most definitely not looking for sympathy. I'm looking to let go of some things that I have held onto for a very long time.
And while my past is part of who I am today, it does not define my present or my future.

For a very long time I felt like I was poison. You know, the kind that looks benign on the outside, but a touch, makes you whither up and die?
Now I'm thinking...Maybe I'm not.

24 comments:

  1. This must have been a tough share for you. I am honored to be allowed to see a part of you that makes sense to what you have been working through... I so appreciate your blog this week.

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    1. Kitty, thank you. Your comment made me smile. And no--it wasn't easy.

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  2. I admire the fact that you are able confront your past and not let it dictate your future sometimes its all too easy to let the past destroy potential happiness.....and happiness is something to hold onto.

    tori x

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    1. painspleasure, it is easy to wallow in the past. But I have found that doing so is quite disruptive to the future.
      Thank you.

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    1. faerie, such a simple statement that means so much. Thank you.

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  4. It's interesting that it seems that many people who end up in the kinky lifestyle have some sort of sexual experience in their childhood past, whether traumatic or no. My Sir and I have both talked about how we were each exposed to sexually explicit material at way too early an age and how it shaped our views on sex and sexuality. We've talked about how maybe the kink is a way of working through that past "stuff" and taking control of it in some way, taking something that may have been bad and making it good, if that makes any sense.

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    1. Tamar, it is an interesting thought. I realize that you aren't referring to it as always being abusive kind of context, but I do hesitate when people draw a correlation between abuse and ttwd.
      Not to say that it isn't there sometimes, just that I think we see it highlighted more in BDSM type blogs because of the openness and exploration in them. SO while the rates may not necessarily be higher, they are drawn to our attention more because that is the kind of writer who is more willing to talk about it.
      And I do think that kink can be a tool in dealing with past issues. Though, like any tool, it can cause as much harm as good, so I think the positive impacts are dependent on the individual.
      Yes, it makes sense.

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  5. Your blog post title speaks for itself lil. I like your attitude.

    Dee x

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    1. Dee, holy cow bells above! Do you know the last time someone said they liked my attitude about something?? Me either lol.
      Seriously though, thank you.

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  6. Similar to the "I will no longer allow one asshole to wield so much influence over my life" realization.
    Congrats, sweetie.

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    1. Jz, pretty much. The funny thing is--I thought I had already had that realization a long time ago. I suppose surface realization is not the same as realization sinking all the way in.
      Thank you.

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  7. One smart lady you are! I often wonder what the "right" way to grow up about sex is - but i'm sure familiar with a lot of wrong ways. Good for you - and Alpha.

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    1. gg, hehe, you called me smart! I don't usually feel that way lol.
      I don't know what the right way is either, but maybe there is no right way, just healthy and unhealthy?

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  8. I to am a victim of child abuse (3 in 4 women are) this statement

    Well because over all I was lucky. I got off pretty easy all things considered.

    realy hit home for me because it is what I told myself and other people for years but you know something lil...............you were never lucky, a horrible thing was done to you and its ok to be agnry/sad/resentful.......whatever you feel about it, but lucky............no love we were never lucky to be screwed with as a child, But I am sure you know all this already.

    Sorry.....didn't mean to rant but you touched me with your post....as you do with most of your posts.

    M_Akitten

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    1. M_Akitten,
      As usual, I'm going to be honest here. And it took me a while to respond to this because I didn't want to seem rude or unkind.
      I appreciate your comment and the spirit it was given in. I really do. And it is not my wish to offend or make it seem as if I have taken offense.

      In retrospect, "lucky" was possibly not the best word choice, but in context of people I have known and the girls that went before me? It's lucky not to be the woman raped by her father throughout her childhood, it's lucky not to actually be the kid in the sick pictures having perverted things done to her.
      The truth is, there's usually always somebody who had it worse.
      Though over time I have learned to acknowledge the great amount of mental damage done throughout those seven years and that sometimes things in the mind are harder to get past than physical scars. Just because you can't see them doesn't mean they aren't there.

      That being said, I have some fundamental issues with your statement, mostly centering around identifying as a victim. And I do hope that you don't take offense at them.

      I suppose some it can be chalked up to semantics--I feel that I'm a victim only if I identify myself as such, and feel that I am. It comes with a sense of helplessness and the false belief that we have no control over what happens to us beyond the abuse. Being a victim happens yes. But then we survive. After that? we just...are whoever and whatever we are.
      Labels are after all, only labels. But they helps us define who and what we are. If I label myself a victim I will walk through life with a sense of helplessness.

      I am no longer angry or resentful. I guess that's easier when they are in jail and dead hmmm. Though the whole concept of forgiving them to move on? I doubt that's ever gonna happen here lol. But I just don't have those emotions that I used to.
      I am lucky in that it could have been worse, in that I now have the relationship I do, in that it no longer hangs over my head every day. Unlucky in that, no one should go through that kind of thing and it left scars that no one can see.

      Alright, that could have been a post in itself. I do hope that I haven't discouraged future comments from you and that you haven't taken offense at my response and might perhaps be inspired to muse on the concept of victim-hood.

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    2. No you haven't discouraged me at all and I don't take offense easily lol.

      You are right, victim is a nasty word.........surviver sounds better? What ever you lable it as its great that people can have horrible things done to them and move forward. Humans can be truly amazing sometimes.

      And yes there are always people worse off than us. I know what you mean there. My cousin was messed with alot worse than me (photo's and rape etc) and I always used to think I was LUCKY....it took me along time to realise I had a right to my feelings about my experince, just because it wasnt as bad as hers it was still bad for me. I think that was what I was trying to say.

      Hugs M_Akitten

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    3. Thank you for coming back to make this follow up comment.
      Knowing that you have a right to feel whatever you feel about these kinds of experiences is huge. So many people say "you should feel this way, you shouldn't feel that way, the only way to move on is for you to______" and it's such a crock. The opposite of helpful really.
      And I agree, while there are many varying levels of bad, bad is just...Bad.

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  9. i was in my mid 30's when it suddenly hit me that the uncle who was so "friendly" wasn't the only one responsible for my being put into very grown up situations at a very young age, i realized that it wasn't my fault, but the adults who were responsible for me, who knew and never addressed it, they just told me to "stay away from him." For years they'd told me to not sit in his lap when he asked me to, yet they continued to put me in situations where he could get me alone.

    So at 30 something i suddenly had all this anger, and i kind of did a complete 180 in my life. i began to see things much more clearly and it was at this point that i came to the lifestyle, i gave myself permission to be the submissive i'd always craved to be.

    Thank goodness for revelations...it took me a while to clean up my life, to make it right with people from my past, and i'm still looking for the Dom i can be compatible with, but my life has become so much more than it was...like someone threw open all the windows and doors.

    Life is a journey, and it's one step at a time. Sometimes we aren't ready for what comes next until it gets here...

    thank you for the post,
    jennie

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    1. jenniebear, Oh yes. That is the kind of attitude that I despise in people--they tell you not to sit in his lap, yet everyone will sit down to dinner and act like everything is fine. Just as long as the child keeps their distance. No one points out that it's not okay.

      The part I left out of my story is that my dad beat the shit out of him. And boy did people lose their shit. Mostly the people who knew it happened to their own kids and never did or said a damn thing.
      That really is when I realized that we are no better than that which we allow to happen, and that sometimes, keeping ones silence can be as bad as committing atrocities ourselves.

      Life is a journey. Our journey. And it is what we make of it. I am glad that you are able to turn your life in the direction you want it to go.

      Thank you for sharing this piece of your story.

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    1. Conina, those two words are worth a million others. Sometimes that's all we really need--to know that someone understands.
      Thank you.

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  11. What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your feelings so clearly. No sympathy, but admiration for the woman you are.

    hugs

    aisha

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    1. aisha, I would imagine that you deal with a lot of abuse related trauma in your work, and it can't be easy. So admiration coming from you is indeed a compliment.
      Thank you.

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Play nice.