Saturday, August 17, 2013

A Question of Wanting an Abusive Relationship?

"Why am I so in love with the thought of an abusive boyfriend or relationship? I'm not fond of the physical abuse; it's more of the emotional aspect if it. I don't understand why though."

In all honesty, I couldn't help but question the sincerity of this question; however, I am going to give it a sincere reply.

In short, I don't know.
There are many and vast differences between abuse and BDSM, so I am not sure why you felt that this was an appropriate place to ask your question.
My best advice is that this is a question for a therapist, and I think that you should explore it with someone who is qualified to help you find the answer you are seeking.

That being said, my first thought is that you aren't personally familiar with abusive relationships. They aren't pretty--your shit is always smashed, you make frequent trips to the hospital, your mind gets warped in ways you never could have imagined, it impairs your functioning and your relationships, etc. In short, there's a long list of crappy stuff that comes with abusive relationships.

I am curious what it is that you find appealing about the emotional aspects of abusive relationships...?

Sometimes we like a little bit of fear with our loving
sometimes we can be little bit emotionally masochistic
some of us enjoy getting slapped around a bit
and many of us thrive in Dominant/submissive relationships.

Nobody thrives in abusive relationships. Not even the abusers.

I don't know why you are so attracted to the thought of an abusive relationship. Perhaps you need to love yourself more, perhaps you haven't really considered the repercussions of emotional abuse, perhaps you think you deserve it, or perhaps you don't really know what an abusive relationship really is.
Regardless of the reasons, I stand by my original thought--this is a question best explored with a good therapist.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that you are able to find your answer without exploring relationships of an abusive nature--I assure you that the reality of true emotional abuse is not in the least little bit attractive.


  1. I think much like you said lil, that clearly there is no understanding here of what an abusive relationship is!

    however im not sure if this term is used over in America but here (ie the UK) there is such a term and there are clubs/groups (we used to attend some) that engage in this..called ultraviolent..which i belive is coined from the film Clockwork Orange ..although i may be wrong on that count.

    This catogrizes (for want of a better term) those that enjoy hand on flesh, punching, kicking rather than s/m, they like the 'violence' which is not generally associated with s/m....and the emotional aspect is intense.

    Its more 'activity' that is seen as being abusive, but the difference is consent is must. These sorts of clubs and ultraviolence itself is mostly 'underground' in the sense that its generally private clubs/gatherings.

    I think, or perhaps i hope that the person asking this is simply not understanding that these desires are ok in the 'right' context.

    anyway i have rambled on but i think i get what is being said, just that its not 'real' abuse thats wanted...i hope!


    1. Well I learn something new everyday...'ultraviolent'. Now that would require trips to the hospital and serious injury one would think.


    2. hi ya little,

      We used to go, years ago now and there were no trips to hospital that i was aware of by anyone we knew..certainly not for myself that i do know lol..and no serious injury!

      Its not something that generally is understood hence why it is mostly 'underground', personally i do love flesh on flesh, whether it be a sharp smack to the face or a punch to the stomach.....i love the brutality of it especially when humiliation is mixed in with it.

      I think what makes it so misunderstood is the fact that its 'actions' that are closely linked to domestic violence which is abuse.


    3. sorry im back...but just in case its of interest, curiosity lol here is a link to the boards on ultraviolence

    4. tori,
      I have never heard of such groups here, but that doesn't mean anything really lol.

      In retrospect, I wonder if the one paragraph I had that I thought said certain things that seem abusive can be okay in a D/s context, was actually clear at all (unlike this sentence lol).

      @ little, it was new to me too.

  2. Here too there are people who are into some more violent kinds of play - i went to a workshop once where a couple demonstrated punching and kicking and so on. It was a bit disturbing for someone who's not into that, but they said that injuries were rare, and they both really liked it. But i dont' know if that's what your questioner was asking about.


    1. sofia,
      I do think that there is a huge difference between violence in kink, and violence in abusive relationships.

      Like tori, I do hope that the questioner isn't seriously seeking abuse, and is perhaps looking for extremes in a healthy D/s relationship, but I decided to take the question at face value...

      I can imagine that it would be disturbing for someone who isn't into it--I don't think I would really be comfortable watching that kind of "play" either.

  3. Hey lil,

    I think you fielded that question well with sticking to the fact that "abusive" is ALWAYS unhealthy. And that if what she thinks is looking for is an abusive relationship... she needs to figure some things out before proceeding.

    I would question the genuineness of the question too.. but I also think it's something that you don't want to ignore.

    Well done.


    1. Bekah,
      Thank you!
      This comment came with an unusual amount of struggle for me lol.

    2. I agree with Bekah.

      You did a great job pointing out over and over abusive is not healthy. I wonder if the person who posed the question has had an event that occurred in his/her life where the only time (s)he feels valued is by being abused. It goes along the lines with children thinking that any attention is better than no attention; therefore, act in a way for negative attention, as at least some sort of attention did occur.

      Great post!

    3. His slut,
      Thank you!
      I usually think about these questions for a while and sometimes have difficulties with my replies, but for some reason, I struggled excessively with this one.

  4. >it's more of the emotional aspect if it.
    >I don't understand why though."

    I've been there, experienced that. It's the hazard of being both masochistic and a sub. The answer is to take the *fantasy* to where it's safe to express, i.e. BDSM.

    1. Giles,
      while I agree that this is a possibility, and very well may find that BDSM is the answer (I did mention some things about BDSM that the questioner might find applicable), I think that this is a rather dangerous one-size-fits-all answer.

      I think that it is always best to err on the side of caution, not knowing anything about them--just because they are attracted to emotional abuse does not mean that this person is undoubtedly a masochistic submissive.

      There is also the issue that BDSM is not above abuse, and someone who is confused about their wants and desires could easily fall prey to abuse and not even realize it--because it occurs under the sanctioned heading of BDSM. And they think that they have chosen a safe and healthy outlet.

  5. Lil, this chart here is one of the most outstanding and succinct explanations of the difference between D/s and abuse.

    D/s or Abuse?

    I hope the person who asked you that question sees this and it provokes them to explore their feelings deeper.

    *hug* - Mickey

    1. Mickey,
      being a lover of lists, I particularly like the way that is formatted. I too hope that they read it. Thank you for the link--I think that many people would find it quite helpful.

    2. Umm according to the list im in an abusive relationship! i think bottom line is what makes something abuse is simply when no consent is given on any level.


    3. there are a few things that I strongly disagree with on the list (mainly, that it is abusive for one person to determine what will happen--that's the basis of D/s to me), but I do think that the person who asked the question might find it helpful.

      I struggle so much with the distinction of abuse being about consent, because after watching thing1 for soooo long, I really feel like she consented to abuse over and over again...Yet at the same time, in most relationships, "no" still means "no" and should be respected...I'm getting way off track here lol. My bad.

    4. Loved your answer to the question. It's hard because like mouse has said a million times from the outside (peering through the curtains of what we share on the blog) D/s or even more so, M/s seems completely one sided (unless the top is just going along and doing it for the bottom) and skewed to seem abusive.

      The biggest difference between the abuse criers and people who practice BDSM or even DD is the way it makes you feel. Everything about this lifestyle should be to lift you up -- not tear you down.

      But just mouse's two cents -- because so many people come to our blog making crappy comments about how sad it is that mouse doesn't know she's being abused.....


    5. mouse,
      Thank you! I really struggled with this question.

      You know, I think that your two cents is exactly spot on--it's about how it makes you feel.
      Even the bad feelings that can occur in D/s are different than the feelings that come with abuse.

  6. Hi, I'm the anon that asked the question. After reading your response, I realized that I did come off as insincere. Also, you are correct about the fact that I am not personally familiar with abusive relationship. I did more research and talked to a counselor about the situation. I now realize the difference between an abusive relationship and s/m. I feel extremely naive and ignorant now that I've re-read my question. I do not want an abusive relationship.

    1. Anon,
      Thank you for taking the time to stop by and comment--it's really nice to know that your question was genuine, and that my response might have helped you in your search for an answer.

      I am also very happy to hear that you do not want an abusive relationship.

      I hope that you find what you need in life.


Play nice.