~I told my chiropractor I had "real sex" for the first time since my accident. Ten minutes later it was my turn to cringe when she told me "your occipital bones are like holy shit out of whack. One sides an inch higher than the other!" No wonder it hurts like hell...
~Alpha finished His job so payments are due (both literally and figuratively).
~We just brought in another 200 or so pounds of tomatoes. They are merely here to compliment the 7 boxes and twelve bags that already own my living room. Seriously, I hate vegetables. I'm going purely carnivorous.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
You
I love that You Dominate my mind as much as my body
the way You grab my throat, telling me I am yours.
I love Your cruelty mixed with kindness
the way You do nasty things to me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.
I love
That You can take me down into the depths of humiliation and bring me back up
loving me more.
I love
how the muscles in Your back ripple when You move
the way You tower over me
and that spot on Your shoulder made just for me to lay my head
how Your hand wraps all the way around my neck
the calculating look in Your eyes when You are considering how much more I can take
the expression on Your face when You are getting off on my pain.
I love
who You are and always have been
the Dominant You have become
I love
the fact that Your traits that drive me crazy are some of Your most admirable
how You defend the weak
and never stop trying to make the blind see
that You are impulsive and responsible.
that You are impulsive and responsible.
the way You are loyal to a fault
Your stubborn persistence and insistence.
I love
that You know me better than I know myself
that You love me for me
what we are and have become
that You own me
mind body and soul.
I love...You
I love...You
Answering a Question of Self Acceptance
Because I am afraid of who I will become if I accept what I am.
Simple right?
Ahhh, the irony for someone who has striven for ages to be nothing more or less than herself.
Simple right?
Ahhh, the irony for someone who has striven for ages to be nothing more or less than herself.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
A Question of Self Acceptance
Last night after the first rough sex since my accident (June for fuck's sake. My self pity has gotten overwhelming), I asked myself why I am the way I am. Self being the obstinate person it is, I got no answer. So I asked Alpha.
His response was that I was asking the wrong question. He said the real question is, why does it matter? Why can't I just accept the way I am?
Hmmm. Unfortunately, it's a good question.
Because I know what it's like to be truly taken against my will? Because I had a man talking dirty to me before I was old enough to know what he was talking about? Because love is supposed to be sweet and kind? Because when it comes right down to it, I crave the Dominance, the humiliation, the force, the loss of control and we are all taught how wrong such things are? Because I am, at heart, the dirty little whore Alpha calls me? Because I don't think I deserve the amazing feelings that come with letting go?
Because I am afraid of what will happen when I let go completely? Because I'm scared that Alpha will wake up one day and see only the whore not the whole? Or that He will no longer accept it Himself.
Yes. I am terrified that, if I accept the way I am, it will consume me. Refusing to just accept it and...Be...Is the only straw I have left of who I once was and what I used to believe in. Not that either Alpha or I was served particularly well by it...And if I accept it and am consumed perhaps there would be nothing left of me worth loving. Most of all? It's a terrifying thought that Alpha might wake up one day and not accept what I am.
To think that once I was afraid He loved me to much to Dominate and own me. The irony is not lost.
Ttwd can be such a beautiful quandary--to be whipped and used, told what a filthy whore I am, and then have Him look me in they eyes, caress my cheek, and tell me He loves me.
Damnable man, answering one question with another.
I guess it really is a question of self acceptance.
His response was that I was asking the wrong question. He said the real question is, why does it matter? Why can't I just accept the way I am?
Hmmm. Unfortunately, it's a good question.
Because I know what it's like to be truly taken against my will? Because I had a man talking dirty to me before I was old enough to know what he was talking about? Because love is supposed to be sweet and kind? Because when it comes right down to it, I crave the Dominance, the humiliation, the force, the loss of control and we are all taught how wrong such things are? Because I am, at heart, the dirty little whore Alpha calls me? Because I don't think I deserve the amazing feelings that come with letting go?
Because I am afraid of what will happen when I let go completely? Because I'm scared that Alpha will wake up one day and see only the whore not the whole? Or that He will no longer accept it Himself.
Yes. I am terrified that, if I accept the way I am, it will consume me. Refusing to just accept it and...Be...Is the only straw I have left of who I once was and what I used to believe in. Not that either Alpha or I was served particularly well by it...And if I accept it and am consumed perhaps there would be nothing left of me worth loving. Most of all? It's a terrifying thought that Alpha might wake up one day and not accept what I am.
To think that once I was afraid He loved me to much to Dominate and own me. The irony is not lost.
Ttwd can be such a beautiful quandary--to be whipped and used, told what a filthy whore I am, and then have Him look me in they eyes, caress my cheek, and tell me He loves me.
Damnable man, answering one question with another.
I guess it really is a question of self acceptance.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Control
It's kind of funny, when we first started exploring D/s, Alpha was very attracted to the control aspect. Me, I wasn't to keen on that at all lol. I wanted pain and lots of it (or so I thought).
As Alpha began letting His sadistic side out of the box, I developed a different opinion of pain--I don't want lots of it lol.
The funny thing is, as time goes by, I feel very different about His control than I did in the beginning.
I crave control far more than I ever craved pain.
And in a way, it kind of seems to go against everything we are taught to believe and be. We are supposed to want to be the masters of our own fate right, to control our own existence and direction.
I think that after taking that initial leap, things began changing in my head. Alpha's control began to feel more like security and less like an intrusion. It's kind of like that stupid exercise where you fall back and trust someone to catch you (I was dropped btw, and no it wasn't Alpha. Can I blame all my trust issues on that?)
It takes faith. Not blind unwitting faith, but faith in the knowledge that the person who has control is going to make better decisions for you than you might make for yourself. That they will keep you safe and always have your best interests in mind.
Alpha has an amazing amount of self control (I like to think that I helped Him develop it. Ahem. Always happy to be of assistance you know). His ability to control Himself gives me the faith to let Him control me.
After a certain point, it's not even "letting," it's accepting. Then damn if that doesn't turn into needing. A ridiculous craving like PMSing and chocolate. Only worse, because it's not just once a month lol.
It's scary because when that control isn't there it feels a bit like floating out in the ocean without a life jacket--you probably won't sink, but you don't know for sure.
Ahhh yes, yesterday I was plotting rebellion it's true. But c'mon--that was 24 whole hours ago lol. And yea, sometimes I resent His control, the fact that He defines our boundaries, has the final say, gets to make the curtain call. But we tried it the other way--and it really didn't work for us.
Being in control of someone else requires the ability to first control yourself. And giving up control requires trust.
And now my coffee deprived thought process has run out of inspiration. The boy broke my french press this morning so it's goodby to my most beloved kitchen utensil. It now rests in pieces but the child lives. See, I do still have some self control. Though it's possible Alpha contributed just a little.
As Alpha began letting His sadistic side out of the box, I developed a different opinion of pain--I don't want lots of it lol.
The funny thing is, as time goes by, I feel very different about His control than I did in the beginning.
I crave control far more than I ever craved pain.
And in a way, it kind of seems to go against everything we are taught to believe and be. We are supposed to want to be the masters of our own fate right, to control our own existence and direction.
I think that after taking that initial leap, things began changing in my head. Alpha's control began to feel more like security and less like an intrusion. It's kind of like that stupid exercise where you fall back and trust someone to catch you (I was dropped btw, and no it wasn't Alpha. Can I blame all my trust issues on that?)
It takes faith. Not blind unwitting faith, but faith in the knowledge that the person who has control is going to make better decisions for you than you might make for yourself. That they will keep you safe and always have your best interests in mind.
Alpha has an amazing amount of self control (I like to think that I helped Him develop it. Ahem. Always happy to be of assistance you know). His ability to control Himself gives me the faith to let Him control me.
After a certain point, it's not even "letting," it's accepting. Then damn if that doesn't turn into needing. A ridiculous craving like PMSing and chocolate. Only worse, because it's not just once a month lol.
It's scary because when that control isn't there it feels a bit like floating out in the ocean without a life jacket--you probably won't sink, but you don't know for sure.
Ahhh yes, yesterday I was plotting rebellion it's true. But c'mon--that was 24 whole hours ago lol. And yea, sometimes I resent His control, the fact that He defines our boundaries, has the final say, gets to make the curtain call. But we tried it the other way--and it really didn't work for us.
Being in control of someone else requires the ability to first control yourself. And giving up control requires trust.
And now my coffee deprived thought process has run out of inspiration. The boy broke my french press this morning so it's goodby to my most beloved kitchen utensil. It now rests in pieces but the child lives. See, I do still have some self control. Though it's possible Alpha contributed just a little.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Random nothings...
He's been so tired I haven't been getting so much as a second glance...In all fairness, He's only had two days off in three weeks...But still, the attention whore in me is about to stage a mutiny.
Which in all likelihood, would be completely ignored until a later date...When I have accumulated enough points to really regret it and it's to late run away screaming that I wasn't That bad lol.
The thing about mutiny is that it sounds reasonable when thinking about staging one, completely justifiable even...And then suddenly, when the hanger comes out and it's bottoms up? It becomes clear that a fatal error in judgement has occurred.
Which in all likelihood, would be completely ignored until a later date...When I have accumulated enough points to really regret it and it's to late run away screaming that I wasn't That bad lol.
The thing about mutiny is that it sounds reasonable when thinking about staging one, completely justifiable even...And then suddenly, when the hanger comes out and it's bottoms up? It becomes clear that a fatal error in judgement has occurred.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Rant
I'm in one of Those moods...You know, the kind where Alpha walks up to me with the wooden spoon and I use my eyes to dare Him to beat the shit out of me. "Oh yes, beat me. I don't just want to know that you are bigger and badder--I need to feel it in the core of my being. Because I feel like the biggest meanest dog on the block. Prove me wrong. Bring it on."
Oh yea, I know that's a recipe for tears lol.
It's largely because the boy has taken rotten to a whole new level over the last couple of days.
I was watching this (ignore the advertisement), and there's a scene where he punches the wall next to her head. I laughed. There's a hole in my bedroom wall from years ago...My head was inches away from it when Alpha put it there. We used to rage at each other like caged animals.
I learned early on in life, even if you have nothing to prove? You always have something to lose. Weakness is like blood in the water. And you never ever let them smell your fear.
And just sometimes, that crazy raging little bitch rears her head.
Alpha's Dominance tames my rage. Sometimes I think it makes me weak, this being on my knees and striving to please.
But when I look at that hole in our wall? I wonder what I would have become without Him.
I would have probably found plenty of men willing to go straight for my head instead of the wall. And been a randomly fucked little whore chasing blood in the water.
Oh yea, I know that's a recipe for tears lol.
It's largely because the boy has taken rotten to a whole new level over the last couple of days.
I was watching this (ignore the advertisement), and there's a scene where he punches the wall next to her head. I laughed. There's a hole in my bedroom wall from years ago...My head was inches away from it when Alpha put it there. We used to rage at each other like caged animals.
I learned early on in life, even if you have nothing to prove? You always have something to lose. Weakness is like blood in the water. And you never ever let them smell your fear.
And just sometimes, that crazy raging little bitch rears her head.
Alpha's Dominance tames my rage. Sometimes I think it makes me weak, this being on my knees and striving to please.
But when I look at that hole in our wall? I wonder what I would have become without Him.
I would have probably found plenty of men willing to go straight for my head instead of the wall. And been a randomly fucked little whore chasing blood in the water.
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