Saturday, October 1, 2011


I'm in one of Those moods...You know, the kind where Alpha walks up to me with the wooden spoon and I use my eyes to dare Him to beat the shit out of me. "Oh yes, beat me. I don't just want to know that you are bigger and badder--I need to feel it in the core of my being. Because I feel like the biggest meanest dog on the block. Prove me wrong. Bring it on."

Oh yea, I know that's a recipe for tears lol.

It's largely because the boy has taken rotten to a whole new level over the last couple of days.

I was watching this (ignore the advertisement), and there's a scene where he punches the wall next to her head. I laughed. There's a hole in my bedroom wall from years ago...My head was inches away from it when Alpha put it there. We used to rage at each other like caged animals.

I learned early on in life, even if you have nothing to prove? You always have something to lose. Weakness is like blood in the water. And you never ever let them smell your fear.

And just sometimes, that crazy raging little bitch rears her head.

Alpha's Dominance tames my rage. Sometimes I think it makes me weak, this being on my knees and striving to please.
But when I look at that hole in our wall? I wonder what I would have become without Him.

I would have probably found plenty of men willing to go straight for my head instead of the wall. And been a randomly fucked little whore chasing blood in the water.


  1. I know this isn't the point of your post.

    But a hole in your wall for years? It makes me want to fix it. Badly.

    I also identify with being so glad to have the man I do, instead of someone who'd be willing to go for my head.

  2. Conina,
    Lol, well it Is behind the door and a wall hanging.
    And even better than having a man willing to go for the wall instead of your head? A man who's grown enough self control not to hit the wall either lol.

  3. I kind of like the idea of leaving the hole there. It serves as a reminder of how far you've come, what you've left behind and helps you appreciate what you have now. I'm so glad Alpha is what you need him to be.

  4. I'm a compulsive wall-hole fixer. I love doing it. I was doing it several times a week and then, suddenly, we moved. Sadness, no more holes to repair.

    My man actually is very very self-contained. I've never seen him so riled up he'd hit anything. I'm grateful for that because I enjoy him hitting me, but an actually abusive man might have taken advantage of that and I'd be in a bad, bad place.

    So glad Alpha has grown his self-control as well. Not hitting the wall leaves less holes. :)

  5. maui girl, see, leaving things unrepaired isn't always a bad thing!

    Conina, lol, well I'm sure life will present you with more wall-hole-fixing opportunities.
    And yes, well, ahem, I suppose I should point out that I could probably make the pope throw things...And the hole may be surrounded by umm, knife marks (all me). I like to think we have both grown lol.


Play nice.