Monday, October 3, 2011


It's kind of funny, when we first started exploring D/s, Alpha was very attracted to the control aspect. Me, I wasn't to keen on that at all lol. I wanted pain and lots of it (or so I thought).
As Alpha began letting His sadistic side out of the box, I developed a different opinion of pain--I don't want lots of it lol.

The funny thing is, as time goes by, I feel very different about His control than I did in the beginning.
I crave control far more than I ever craved pain.

And in a way, it kind of seems to go against everything we are taught to believe and be. We are supposed to want to be the masters of our own fate right, to control our own existence and direction.

I think that after taking that initial leap, things began changing in my head. Alpha's control began to feel more like security and less like an intrusion. It's kind of like that stupid exercise where you fall back and trust someone to catch you (I was dropped btw, and no it wasn't Alpha. Can I blame all my trust issues on that?)

It takes faith. Not blind unwitting faith, but faith in the knowledge that the person who has control is going to make better decisions for you than you might make for yourself. That they will keep you safe and always have your best interests in mind.

Alpha has an amazing amount of self control (I like to think that I helped Him develop it. Ahem. Always happy to be of assistance you know). His ability to control Himself gives me the faith to let Him control me.

After a certain point, it's not even "letting," it's accepting. Then damn if that doesn't turn into needing. A ridiculous craving like PMSing and chocolate. Only worse, because it's not just once a month lol.

It's scary because when that control isn't there it feels a bit like floating out in the ocean without a life jacket--you probably won't sink, but you don't know for sure.

Ahhh yes, yesterday I was plotting rebellion it's true. But c'mon--that was 24 whole hours ago lol. And yea, sometimes I resent His control, the fact that He defines our boundaries, has the final say, gets to make the curtain call. But we tried it the other way--and it really didn't work for us.

Being in control of someone else requires the ability to first control yourself. And giving up control requires trust.

And now my coffee deprived thought process has run out of inspiration. The boy broke my french press this morning so it's goodby to my most beloved kitchen utensil. It now rests in pieces but the child lives. See, I do still have some self control. Though it's possible Alpha contributed just a little.


  1. i wanted to post this eloquent comment, about how i understand the process you're talking about...but my brain stuttered to a halt with the broken french press. you let the kid live? Really? your level of self control obviously exceeds mine.

    Still, the part about floating without a life jacket...that i really do get. The control, the structure, has become more important...i find myself floundering now, when He's just not able to give it to me. i won't sink, you say? i hope not! How does one make coffee underwater, anyway?

    ps. Bodum makes a French press that is constructed from Lexan...unbreakable! And Starbucks sells one that is solid stainless steel, also unbreakable. Good to have, with kids around!

  2. Yes, control. What a wonderful concept. So freeing when you can turn things over to someone willing and able to take it for you. You're a lucky woman!

    P.S. I agree with pepper about the french press material - mine is small but it's made of SS and lexan. Whew.

  3. pepper,
    lmao, well, Alpha's role in the child's survival might have been slightly understated.
    Umm, I'm pretty sure you won't sink. My advice is to stick with shark-free saltwater and don't stop breathing!

    maui girl,
    It is a bit ironic how freeing it can be to turn over control isn't it.

  4. Excellent post. So much food for thought. I'm going to show this to Alex.

    French press? Never heard of it. Guess I'll have to google it....LOL.....

  5. Katherine,
    Thank you, glad you liked the post.
    A french press is the most awesome coffee maker on earth.

  6. I can only hope that the more control I give, the greater trust there is. It does start to feel more like security. Love this post.


Play nice.