Last night after the first rough sex since my accident (June for fuck's sake. My self pity has gotten overwhelming), I asked myself why I am the way I am. Self being the obstinate person it is, I got no answer. So I asked Alpha.
His response was that I was asking the wrong question. He said the real question is, why does it matter? Why can't I just accept the way I am?
Hmmm. Unfortunately, it's a good question.
Because I know what it's like to be truly taken against my will? Because I had a man talking dirty to me before I was old enough to know what he was talking about? Because love is supposed to be sweet and kind? Because when it comes right down to it, I crave the Dominance, the humiliation, the force, the loss of control and we are all taught how wrong such things are? Because I am, at heart, the dirty little whore Alpha calls me? Because I don't think I deserve the amazing feelings that come with letting go?
Because I am afraid of what will happen when I let go completely? Because I'm scared that Alpha will wake up one day and see only the whore not the whole? Or that He will no longer accept it Himself.
Yes. I am terrified that, if I accept the way I am, it will consume me. Refusing to just accept it and...Be...Is the only straw I have left of who I once was and what I used to believe in. Not that either Alpha or I was served particularly well by it...And if I accept it and am consumed perhaps there would be nothing left of me worth loving. Most of all? It's a terrifying thought that Alpha might wake up one day and not accept what I am.
To think that once I was afraid He loved me to much to Dominate and own me. The irony is not lost.
Ttwd can be such a beautiful quandary--to be whipped and used, told what a filthy whore I am, and then have Him look me in they eyes, caress my cheek, and tell me He loves me.
Damnable man, answering one question with another.
I guess it really is a question of self acceptance.