Touch of Ownership

I love the touch that says "I own you." It can be sweet and gentle or harsh and painful.

But there is a possessiveness that runs through every moment of it.

There is no hesitation.

No thought of asking for permission.

When He touches my skin like it is merely an extension of His own.

And my mind stills.

There is an intimacy that doesn't come with other kinds of touch. A bare feeling of nakedness and vulnerability.

And in those moments, there is nothing besides the taking and yielding of self.
Simply us in that place where I am His and His alone.

Limbo

I was standing in the kitchen doing dishes when Alpha walked up and gave me that sincere look that just melts me and makes me weak in the knees. Cupping my face gently with His hands He looked me in the eye, and asked if I needed leniency or strictness (see, He fuddles my brain and I can't even remember exactly  what He says. That's my defense from now on).

He has been lenient since the accident. And I needed that.

What, for some reason, fuddled me up was that He asked. It's not that He never asks what I need--it's that there were two very different options. It wasn't open-ended and it's pretty clear that sitting here in limbo isn't going to work anymore. For either of us.

So I asked Him why He asked me (oh hush), and He gave me a smarmy answer ("why is the sky blue? It doesn't matter why"). I told Him the truth in a suitably chicken-shit way--I did need leniency.

It would be a lie to say that I don't know what direction we are going in from here.

But thankfully, it's out of limbo.

And hey, we were headed deeper into the abyss anyways right. Now is as good of a time as any.

Pain

I was musing to myself about pain last night. Specifically the different kinds and their effects.

Pain and the way we process it is an individual experience.

I once read something that said the difference between a pain slut and a masochist is that the pain slut wants pain because she gets off on it. The masochist needs pain but doesn't  want it as much. (I'm paraphrasing here. I would link to it if I could remember where the hell I read it. It was much more eloquently put and made a lot more sense).

Maybe I am a masochist after all...

Anyways, pain takes multiple forms and since it is such an individual experience, I believe those forms vary for everyone. And my love of categorization naturally led me to create the following list lol.

Growing pains--When events happen in life that make you feel emotional pain to your core but also present an opportunity for personal growth.

Bad pain--like burning yourself on the oven or smacking the side of your head on a sharp corner (was a great way to wake up this morning. They all seem to think I'm mean now).

Pleasurable pain--the kind that hurts but it's oh so fucking good because it makes you fly.

Cleansing pain--It's the kind I love to hate and it's also the pain I crave most. Ironic since I will go to great lengths to avoid it because this kind of pain isn't really enjoyable.
It's almost bad pain because it comes without pleasure. But the feeling afterwards is incredible.
Like a form of redemption, this is the pain that strips away all sins, crimes committed by and to oneself, and takes you to that place where everything external no longer matters.

Sometimes it is what it is...And sometimes hormones are not your friends

"I love that you think and question things baby. But no one can be everything all the time. And that's okay. It is what it is."

It is what it is.

And I think I need to work on the ability to accept that.

But this time? This time I think it's safe to say that hormones are not my friends. And it had actually occurred to me that I was feeling a bit PMSish. But I thought "no I still have more than a week left before the monthly hell hits!"

And my dear body replied. It said "fuck you bitch, back to a three week cycle. how do you like that!"
I don't like it. Not in the least little bit tyvm.
Ironically, it has taken me many years to recognize the signs--of how hormones are really shitty friends and they like to fuck with me.

But the concept of "it is what it is," is just so much more interesting. Because I have a hard time just accepting things. I can analyze something to death. Alpha says that isn't always necessary. And He's right.

I guess it is what it is. This time? It was hormones from hell lol.

Void

Believe it or not, this post isn't related to the previous one. That was an accumulation of those moments that just happen. We laugh, sometimes I cry, it goes in a post and we both laugh while I cringe about the possibility of paying for old offenses again.

This is different.

Sometimes I feel like there's this void where my submission should be. But it's not just my submission, it's the things that are so tightly entwined in it too, like sex.

But sometimes there's a void where my submission should be. An empty space with...nothing. And I wonder, why? How something so consuming and integrated into my life can cycle down the way it does.

And Alpha knows just by looking at me, they way I respond to His touch, the words I cannot find...And He asks me what's going on. But I can't find answers in the void so I return His questions unanswered. Usually He has some form of answer for me, or a different question that will lead me to what I am looking for.

This has been one of those reoccurring themes that makes me feel like I'm on the crazy-coaster.
I need submission. I crave Dominance. The exchange of power is deeply woven into our relationship. It has become part of who we are and how we live. "His" is who I want and need to be.

For a long time I have believed that, much like everything else in life, D/s goes through natural cycles.

But sometimes, just sometimes, there's this silent little void where my submission should be. And I feel like I am upside down and inside out. Looking for answers in the emptiness.

It always ends the same--with me and a pillow asking to sit at His feet and trying not to cry. Well, me not the pillow. I'm sure that wet substance on the pillow is just something the kids spilled.

For Future Reference

"That's not my fucking problem!" is an unacceptable answer to "I'm out of clean socks baby."

"You wouldn't!" Is always translated to "I dare You to do it!"

"Fuck You!" is not the appropriate response to a spanking.

"Can I bite You? Pretty pretty please?" Is never rewarded like it should be.

Saying "I want to take that away and hit You with it!" seriously lacks both wisdom and common sense.

The phrase "do you understand?" requires verbal acknowledgment otherwise there is clearly a need for more "reinforcement" of the message.

Should your Dominant happen to whack Himself with one of His own implements, laughter should be choked on and not shared (hey, it's been a long time but I'm saving that memory forever).

When your ass is up and your air supply depends entirely on His whim, is not the appropriate time to disagree.

"No" is only an acceptable response if you can run faster and intend to never return.

Jumping up and down singing "I told you so!" is never properly appreciated.

When you are shrieking "I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!" It's already to late.

This public service message brought to you by someone who has clearly Never made any of the statements quoted above. I mean, after all, He reads this and it's like a printable page of punishable offenses.

When One Partner is Worth Less

I like to watch relationships, how couples interact with each other, what makes them tick, who lasts and who does not.
And I've noticed something about the majority of vanilla relationships--they tend to have a lot of power struggles, or one partner has a vote that, for the most part, doesn't count. Without the perks lol.

This particular train of thought was inspired by some friends of ours.They have a vanilla relationship based not on equality, but functioning within a system of thought where what she does and wants matters. And it's a one way street. His opinions, thoughts, needs, and ideas hold no value to her.
In their relationship, he is clearly seen by her as being worth less.

It's not a huge surprise that she doesn't like us much, but I digress.

Alpha and I have a relationship that is, by definition, not one of equality; however, we are of equal worth. Just because He gets the final say does not mean that my thoughts and opinions are without value. If my idea's weren't better than His at times, He wouldn't have married me in the first place lol.

I don't know how people live in relationships where one partner is clearly seen as being worth less than the other.

I'll admit that I do sometimes see myself as being worth less than Alpha--but that's an issue of my own self esteem. He holds me in high esteem, He values who I am. Our relationship is on unequal footing yet we are beings of equal worth.