Sunday, October 16, 2011


Believe it or not, this post isn't related to the previous one. That was an accumulation of those moments that just happen. We laugh, sometimes I cry, it goes in a post and we both laugh while I cringe about the possibility of paying for old offenses again.

This is different.

Sometimes I feel like there's this void where my submission should be. But it's not just my submission, it's the things that are so tightly entwined in it too, like sex.

But sometimes there's a void where my submission should be. An empty space with...nothing. And I wonder, why? How something so consuming and integrated into my life can cycle down the way it does.

And Alpha knows just by looking at me, they way I respond to His touch, the words I cannot find...And He asks me what's going on. But I can't find answers in the void so I return His questions unanswered. Usually He has some form of answer for me, or a different question that will lead me to what I am looking for.

This has been one of those reoccurring themes that makes me feel like I'm on the crazy-coaster.
I need submission. I crave Dominance. The exchange of power is deeply woven into our relationship. It has become part of who we are and how we live. "His" is who I want and need to be.

For a long time I have believed that, much like everything else in life, D/s goes through natural cycles.

But sometimes, just sometimes, there's this silent little void where my submission should be. And I feel like I am upside down and inside out. Looking for answers in the emptiness.

It always ends the same--with me and a pillow asking to sit at His feet and trying not to cry. Well, me not the pillow. I'm sure that wet substance on the pillow is just something the kids spilled.


  1. I totally, completely understand where you're coming from in this post. *hugs*

  2. You're lucky he and that pillow are usually around.
    Mine isn't, (well, the pillow is, but not the Dom) so I usually end up just kind of checking out on the whole thing, and hoping I can get back when I need to. (So far, that has worked. But it does worry me sometimes...)

  3. This is a rough spot to be in, lil, and it's one that nearly every one of us has dealt with or will deal with in our lives as submissives. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling the void (I like your description of it), but I'm very encouraged to see that you are stripping the issue down to what is most important/glaring. You know that you are a submissive and that you crave Dominance - you're not doubting your true self nor your convictions. You're going through a momentary loss of focus - the void. That inside-out feeling can be brought about by hormonal issues, stress, and even the day-to-day mental fluctuations that can make life interesting...and a pain in the you-know-what!

    Unfortunately, I don't think I've given you any solid advice that can help you get out of the void, but perhaps I've given you some perspective? At the very least, I can give you some big HUGS! :) I hope you're feeling better soon - I'm so glad that you shared this with us, lil... :)

  4. I think it is normal and we all go through it. Chin up! :)

    Hope you do not mind I added your blog to our blogroll. Also have to mention that my Master said He thinks you and I think very similar to one another based on what He has read here...


  5. I don't think very many people go through life without fluctuating sureness in what they feel and know. At least, i think those who do are mostly delusional. But when i feel that void (that's a perfect word for it), i'm never so far in that i can't recognize that it is a state different from my usual state. I may feel like i have no way to get back, but i still know that the void is the abberation. It sounds like you do also. And i think that's the key: that fact that i know this void isn't where i am supposed to be is the thing that keeps me looking for the way out.

  6. Are all submissives/slaves all on the same wavelength or something? I feel the same way. Its like i can go from being completely happy one minute to not knowing what to think. I have a lot of moments where i feel like there is a void for sure at lots of moments and then others its like i have nothing there.

  7. Yes... I think we are all on the same wavelength! Your description was perfect. I do feel a void... I should be feeling submissive but I don't... sometimes I feel nothing... I need Him to remind me where my head is supposed to be.

    Thank you for sharing your insightful thoughts!

  8. yep, me too! One more voice added to the chorus!

  9. My opinion hey? Nice one lil! (you found the edit button ;) )
    I would also like to point out that "your followers" section is looking awesome as well :) I too am one of those people who seem to enjoy your crazy ramblings :)

    I honestly don't know what you are feeling because I didn't understand the void... I am trying to figure it out as I type.

  10. Perfect description of that empty feeling. I understand it a little too well right now. Sitting at his feet is a really good way to begin to fill that void again. That small act says so much.

  11. agog, always good to be understood!

    Jz, yea, that helps. I always worry too--am I gonna snap out of it this time?? So far so good though lol.

    Baby girl, I have found that stripping things down to the core issue tends to help a lot. Thanks for the thoughts.

    viemora, I do not mind in the least. I'm honored. And if we are alike, I feel like perhaps I should apologize lol--depending on the day. In all seriousness though...It's kind of funny you said that because I read one of your recent posts and said "ooh, someone else who grew up on a mountain, sounds just like me!"

    greengirl, at least I'm not delusional lol. And I agree, you can't find your way back to the way things are supposed to be unless you acknowledge that you are in the wrong place. Kind of like taking a road trip without a map.

    Lil one, maybe it's a spectrum thing--we are all in different parts with similar colors. Umm, that made a lot of sense before I saw it written lol.

    Mikki, you are welcome. And at least we have them to help us get our heads back where they belong.

    sin, at least I'm in good company!

    Naida, lol yes I found it. Thank you. It's in far to obvious a place lol.
    As to the void...It's kind of like reaching for something you know should be there, but finding empty space instead...

    Serenity, it's kind of amazing how the simplest things can hold the most meaning isn't it.

  12. I totally get this. If I don't get SOME form of dominance from him, daily, my brain takes me the most silly places.

  13. Vixen, it's amazing what your own mind can do to you isn't it.


Play nice.