Monday, October 10, 2011

When One Partner is Worth Less

I like to watch relationships, how couples interact with each other, what makes them tick, who lasts and who does not.
And I've noticed something about the majority of vanilla relationships--they tend to have a lot of power struggles, or one partner has a vote that, for the most part, doesn't count. Without the perks lol.

This particular train of thought was inspired by some friends of ours.They have a vanilla relationship based not on equality, but functioning within a system of thought where what she does and wants matters. And it's a one way street. His opinions, thoughts, needs, and ideas hold no value to her.
In their relationship, he is clearly seen by her as being worth less.

It's not a huge surprise that she doesn't like us much, but I digress.

Alpha and I have a relationship that is, by definition, not one of equality; however, we are of equal worth. Just because He gets the final say does not mean that my thoughts and opinions are without value. If my idea's weren't better than His at times, He wouldn't have married me in the first place lol.

I don't know how people live in relationships where one partner is clearly seen as being worth less than the other.

I'll admit that I do sometimes see myself as being worth less than Alpha--but that's an issue of my own self esteem. He holds me in high esteem, He values who I am. Our relationship is on unequal footing yet we are beings of equal worth.


  1. I've seen this idea explained often over the past few years. It was a huge mental roadblock for my husband in fact - knowing how he saw me and not understanding how that worked with the D/s ideas. I was able to see it - or maybe not see the conflict. But could never explain it to him adequately. To bad this wasn't around then - you've explained it perfectly.

  2. Oddly enough Master and i had a discussion about that last night. Lately i have felt that ive struggled with listening to my vanilla friends and how i should take notes and how Master should be doing things for me. He made me realize, much like you said above, that we live a completely different lifestyle and it may appear to others that my opinion doesnt matter when it does. He values my opinion, it is just that He has the final say. Thanks for saying what i couldnt fully put into words last night.

  3. I loved your post! * applause* I think so many of us struggle with this one!

    Before Dd... I was the "boss"~ I ruled the roost! We were miserable... we both were.

    I brought Dd to my husband and he was reluctant, but he likes having his opinion count. I can tell by the way he acts that he not only cherishes me more now... but he is also kind when he does make his decisions.

    Dd doesn't make me feel worth less... very much more!

  4. I guess since Daddy has always been the one in control and I was so young and have never known any different, I just accept his control easier. That doesn't mean I don't fight it at times, but I never resent him and I value his opinion and leadership. To me, he's wonderful.


  5. I really enjoyed this! You put it perfectly.

  6. It's those power struggles and bickering over inequality that makes me extremely happy to not have to worry about "vanilla" relationship balances any more...amazing how D/s can clearly define our power dynamic and keep us perfectly balanced and equal in our own way, huh? :)

  7. My first marriage was to a domineering and controlling woman. I was trying to be the nice guy and was constantly being run over. After she left, I woke up, thankfully.

  8. I agree there is a dynamic in D/s relationships that places far greater worth on the value of both partners, their psyches and their opinions, even as contradictory as that seems when the Dom's opinion is the final word. I think D/s relationships are far stronger and healthier as a whole than their vanilla counterparts. Of course, I could be biased but I'll never admit it. :)

  9. greengirl, I think Alpha and I both put a fair amount of thought into this topic in the beggining. For me, it really revoled around the humiation aspects.

    Lil one, glad I could put it into words for you.

    Mikki, thank you. When you have seen both sides, you realize that there's a huge difference between the relationships where one partner is worth less and the ones where both partners are of equal value.

    Kitty, I think things are very different when you get together young (I was about 15 when Alpha and I got together, though D/s comes later). Maybe it's because you have more time to grow together. Though I guess it also has some drawbacks at certain points.

    Heather, thank you.

    Baby girl, right? you already know the outcome to any given power struggle, so if there is one you aren't actually expecting to win it lol.

    William, I think relationships like that are proably hard on both sides--no one can be worth less in a relationship and the one who thinks they are worth more is quite likely to end up being a rather lonely person.

    maui girl, I am biased too lol.

  10. I think that sometimes this is the blessing D/s can give. It requires so much honesty and value placed in the other person. Yes, there is an inequality in POWER, but not in WORTH. I wish I could "like" this, or +1 it because it is wonderfully put.


Play nice.