Miles Upon Miles of Concrete

I have already had enough of these city streets

I want to step outside and scream at these miles upon miles of concrete

all these people so secure in their sleep

and their ideas of what they want people to think they are.

It's a bitter pill to swallow

I have too much time to wallow.

I want to go home

and it's easy to be different when one can choose to be alone

secluded on their own.

I thought that wherever he went would be okay because he was my home
I underestimated the depths to which the mountains were in my bones
what it would feel like when the trees no longer whispered in my ears
and the familiar stars no longer sung their songs in the dark.

I always knew that I didn't quite fit in this world

so I made my home

a place so far away that the stars aren't the same, 

where only the trees know your name
and the ability to survive reminds you that you are alive.
Where who you are is more important than what you have done.

It's lonely here.
Here in these city streets
with these miles upon miles of concrete
where no one knows your name
they just know that you aren't the same.

I don't care about fitting in

yet here I don't fit
and I have never before known
this homesickness which seeps into my bones
from the tiny cracks in my soul.

Over the years, I've spent lots of time alone
but never before have I known such consuming loneliness.

Well...

I got dressed presentably, trotted down to the school, and presented a solid case for the kiddo in a professional and confidant manner.
Then I went to the grocery store to buy milk,
After putting said milk away, I walked into the bedroom, looked down, and noticed a nice black thong creeping it's way out of my pant leg.

I have never prayed so hard that underwear began falling out of my pants in the grocery store...

I wish...Lol.

So Maybe I'm Still Bitching

Yes, well...Apparently I'm not done with the whole school rant.
I know that I have comments to reply to (thanks for sticking with me through the silence broken only by bitching, btw--I do appreciate it), I'll play comment catch up later. Promise!

In all fairness, my eldest is thriving. He's at the top of the class, but he's still being challenged and has a teacher who is adapting the work to accelerate him and push the whole class ahead a bit.

But...

My little guy came home and broke my heart last night though. He's six, loves learning, loves doing good on school work, picks concepts up quickly, and is the busiest human being most people have ever met.

Last night he came home, did an entire section of the month's four part math assignment in five minutes, sighed, and told me "I don't like school mom. It's boring and the class isn't for me." I inquired why he felt the class wasn't for him, and his response (in the heartrendingly way that only a little kid can) was, "Because they're not teaching me. They're just teaching the other kids. There's nobody like me in class. They don't know any of it". He was so. Very. Sad.

He's lonely because he's smart and I let him work at his own pace so he's a semester ahead of the curve. I thought that the middle of second grade would be too much for him, but I think I should have just tried to get him tested into it.
He loves learning so much--like the way I love it much. He's too young to lose that. At the moment, he's miserable, lonely, bored, and struggling with the dumbed down skills he skipped months ago because it was easier for him just to do it all the more advanced way that they teach after teaching the stupid shit.

It shocks me that his teachers are refusing to work with him. He feels like he's being punished for being ahead of the class, and I feel like it's completely contrary to the concept of schooling to leave a kid behind because he's doing "too" well. My sil's both have advanced children who's teachers are willing to work with them within the grade and allow them to do more advanced assignments...

I screwed up by not trying to stick him straight into second grade. So I'll talk to the counselor next week, and ask to get him tested into second grade. This whole public school thing? Not something I know anything about, but I assume that they can't refuse to at least give him a test...?
My impression is that the school system in general frowns on grade skipping. But my understanding is that even just getting tested for the gifted program could be four months out. And he's soo miserable--he can't even emotionally relate to the kids in first grade because they're just in different places developmentally. Apparently. Who knew having smart kids could suck so much?
*Sigh* if he was behind, they'd work with him!

I might at some point have something related to D/s...Maybe. Eventually. When the polar ice caps thaw completely...

Insufferable People

In my defense, this is really more of a rant than a whine...

From an educational standpoint, public school already sucks. The little one is bored to tears, and his teachers won't give him more challenging work (he asked for something more challenging that 3+3, and they weren't having any of it).
I know that they have to teach to the most common denominator, and they seem like very nice ladies, but I'll be damned if I watch him fall through the cracks because he's actually ahead of the class and is really only struggling with the concepts that have been dumbed down.

Though that's really a side rant today...Oh yes, I'm full of good things at the moment!

I enjoy a certain amount of humility in a human being. I should probably rephrase that...Well, maybe I really shouldn't, but I'm going to anyways: I hate pompous people who just know they are better than than the entire population of earth.

Seriously, I've met some pretty awful chess parents, but scholastic chess isn't big here. Why does the one parent I've met have to be an insufferable ass? What you have and how long you're willing to blather on about it doesn't make you a better person.

The irony? He's the type of person that looks down on clubs and kids like mine, yet his son, for all his "amazing classes, experience, and overall complete brilliance", is not all that great at the game.

He asked about Alpha's work, and quickly changed the subject because it's complicated, and he didn't understand so he couldn't know it all in the conversation. I suppose that when you already know everything, there's not too much room for anything else...

I think that how a person thinks of themselves says a lot about them. Chances are, if you know with absolute certainty that you are the salt of the earth and far superior to anyone with less education or material means than yourself, you're actually just an asshole with a big paycheck and a couple of bratty kids.

My son lost his first tournament game here, and he misses his tutor and old coach. I told him something along these lines:

And that it's important to never forget where you came from. He has earned his ratings fighting tooth and nail, one slow month at a time, in a club lacking the economic ability to travel to big tournaments. He was one of the best scholastic players in the state, and he conducts himself with appreciable humility. Much like me, albeit to a far lesser extent, he knows what it's like to come from nothing, and he doesn't respect people based merely on how they feel about themselves, or how high they scored on the luck of life's draw.

Here. Right now. In this moment. I want so very fucking badly to just go home.

I miss our club. And standing out there last night, listening to that man go on? I would have given damn near anything to have my son's tutor or old coach standing next to me rolling their eyes in the dark and reminiscing about the amazing ability of mankind to be so lost in their own self-absorption, that their kids will never even have a shot at being good people. Because they don't actually care about good people--they care about being better than other people.


I was good--no random thoughts took an inappropriate stroll out of my mouth...Next week I'll meet the mother. Alpha seems to think that she'll probably be far to good to speak to me. One can always hope right? Because really,

Nobody Told Me!

Nobody told me that school supplies for two children were going to cost what I've been spending on the textbooks for an entire grade, or apparently, the cost of being a new client at a chiropractor's office.
I feel deeply betrayed by life--everything one could imagine within nearby driving distance with no ability to drive myself, and no way I'm getting into one of those offices anytime soon.

And that my dear friends, concludes the first official whine session of 2015 in lil's crazy corner. There will be coffee and real wine for those who wish to hang around for the next one. Shouldn't be too much of a delay lol.

Last Keywords of 2014

Here's my roundup of somewhat entertaining searches that got people here last year. With, of course, the necessary commentary. It's not quite as entertaining as some have been in the past, but maybe that's just because I've been rather boring...

"BDSM turns me on but I don't want..." Omg, I hate blogger stats--don't want what?? To be bossed around, to be hurt, pigtails (I mean, I certainly don't want pigtails), to submit, what??

"How to make my wife submit to my power." Really dude? Good luck with that one...Let us know how you feel about living in your car!

"Anal dominate with my wife - porn". This one is really only funny because I feel that I owe the poor man an apology, given the the vast discrepancy between what he was looking for, and what he actually got.

"Pee in a cup every morning thing." Whatever, I don't want to talk about it!

"local submissive slave needing a master" Looking for him here, is she...Oh no she didn't! 

"slap face fuck cry" I am absolutely blown away by the eloquence...

"How to be a good submissive" Oh honey...You won't find that here I mean, I wish you could, but...Yea...I'm too much a of a work in progress.

"I am a needy submissive." I would say welcome to the club, but that's not really what I want to be known for....

"Master withdrawals submissive." See? It's a real condition thingy!!

"How is it okay for my husband to rub on a stripper?" Ooh...Well...?

"We think things" Of course we do.  Love it!

"mama always said calm" Well, my mama didn't, but I'm sure somebody out there has a nice calm mother...

"go bad moment" C'mon, it's cute!

"submissive to my husband's gf" I think I'd rather die. And I say that with complete sincerity.

A New Year

Has it really been 7 days since my last post? Dunno how that happened...Actually, I lie--I know exactly how it happened. Kids, people, investors, more people, business stuff, broken car, dog drama, and did I mention all the fucking people?

I fell off the wagon. I know that's not news, I fell off a long time ago. Just how far I fell is only sinking in now though. You know, that point when the change becomes almost normal, then one day you wake up and realize that it's not actually your normal?

Yea...It's really difficult for me here--this whole power exchange thing. I was already drifting when we left, and now...If I want work, people need to see me as independent, and take away the fact that my car hates me and I can't drive myself anywhere, I am...It's hard to leave it at the door when most of the work is starting at home.

And I get attached to Little Miss Independent. She's competent and confident, shit gets done like it should, when it should. I have little interest in ever letting her turn off, tone down, or let go enough to be anything else.

The thing is...It's showing on us. We're good. Hell, even at our worst, we're still pretty damn good. But we're not us good. There's more snark, less harmony, less intimacy...

We will get it all figured out, all ironed out, all...But this whole entirely new life thing? It's complicated.

I want to be here more, and I will. I just gotta wrap my head around life as I know it now.

Did you notice? It's a whole new year.