Thursday, January 22, 2015

Miles Upon Miles of Concrete

I have already had enough of these city streets
I want to step outside and scream at these miles upon miles of concrete
all these people so secure in their sleep
and their ideas of what they want people to think they are.
It's a bitter pill to swallow
I have too much time to wallow.

I want to go home
and it's easy to be different when one can choose to be alone
secluded on their own.

I thought that wherever he went would be okay because he was my home
I underestimated the depths to which the mountains were in my bones
what it would feel like when the trees no longer whispered in my ears
and the familiar stars no longer sung their songs in the dark.

I always knew that I didn't quite fit in this world
so I made my home
a place so far away that the stars aren't the same, 
where only the trees know your name
and the ability to survive reminds you that you are alive.
Where who you are is more important than what you have done.

It's lonely here.
Here in these city streets
with these miles upon miles of concrete
where no one knows your name
they just know that you aren't the same.

I don't care about fitting in
yet here I don't fit
and I have never before known
this homesickness which seeps into my bones
from the tiny cracks in my soul.

Over the years, I've spent lots of time alone
but never before have I known such consuming loneliness.


  1. Don't know what to say, but am thinking of you xxx

  2. Hug! I promise it will get better.

  3. ((Hugs)) Lil, I hope it gets better. Thinking of you.


  4. oh gosh, i need to go back and catch up on some of your posts, im guessing you have moved? right tomorrow im catching up, cant stand not knowing whats going on lol


    1. tori,
      yep, moved and not really loving it lol.
      In all honesty, I advise against trying to get caught up here. It's been very whiny and boring, with not even a smattering of D/s to make it in the least bit interesting...

      It really is good to see you though!

  5. (((hugs)))

    these lines in particular spoke to me -

    'I thought that wherever he went would be okay because he was my home
    I underestimated the depths to which the mountains were in my bones'

    1. mc kitten,
      it is a very odd an uncomfortable feeling...

  6. You are an amazing writer, Your words paint a picture and your emotions shine through.....this is a beautiful piece of writing. I just really wish you had not had the motivation to write it....HUGS...

  7. Awww Lil!!

    You are so very strong--keep hanging in.

    1. Thank you, Bleu. I must admit, I feel a whole lot more disillusioned than I do tough at the moment!

  8. Oh lil, my heart cries out for you. Hugs and strength are coming your way.

    1. Thank you, sunnygirl. I need all the hugs and strength I can get!

  9. lil,
    I've moved again and again over the years. I still have a homesickness for the area in which i grew up - the geography, the climate, the feel of it, the smells, the whole thing. Your home does come with you. But that doesn't make the difficulty of making your place where you are any easier. But it's there, your home and your loves.

    1. gg,
      omg, the smells! I haven't smelled a wet tree...

      Thank you. Really, just...Thank you.


Play nice.