I fell off the wagon. I know that's not news, I fell off a long time ago. Just how far I fell is only sinking in now though. You know, that point when the change becomes almost normal, then one day you wake up and realize that it's not actually your normal?
Yea...It's really difficult for me here--this whole power exchange thing. I was already drifting when we left, and now...If I want work, people need to see me as independent, and take away the fact that my car hates me and I can't drive myself anywhere, I am...It's hard to leave it at the door when most of the work is starting at home.
And I get attached to Little Miss Independent. She's competent and confident, shit gets done like it should, when it should. I have little interest in ever letting her turn off, tone down, or let go enough to be anything else.
The thing is...It's showing on us. We're good. Hell, even at our worst, we're still pretty damn good. But we're not us good. There's more snark, less harmony, less intimacy...
We will get it all figured out, all ironed out, all...But this whole entirely new life thing? It's complicated.
I want to be here more, and I will. I just gotta wrap my head around life as I know it now.
Did you notice? It's a whole new year.
Maybe it's not about turning Miss Independent off, maybe it's about figuring out how to fit her in?
ReplyDeleteOh, I like that Misty. Never thought of it like that!
DeleteMisty,
Deletedamn you for making so much sense! But yea...That does make a whole terrible lot of sense. At the moment it feels more like trying to figure out how to drag the save back in, but yes, there needs to be some sort of coexistence thing happening here!
Wishing you luck as you work through all the changes. Never a full moment in this thing we call life! Hugs xx
ReplyDeletelittle girl,
DeleteI'm not quite as adaptable to change as I would like to think. Apparently. Lol.
Thank you! I need all the luck I can get.
Much along Misty's line, I was going to say that it's really more an issue of figuring out how to frame Miss Independent. I don't think it's her or your lifestyle, per se. It's more a case of letting go of past habits that no longer work for your new realities.
ReplyDeleteIt's like your relationship is going through adolescence... ;-p
Jz,
Deletethere you go with that whole making all kinds of sense thing...
Adolescence? OMG! We're, like, totally screwedddd! Lol.
Happy New Year lil. Embrace the changes, don't fight them. It'll be easier on you and those around you. Make it work, you know how.
ReplyDeleteThank you sunnygirl. I'm trying!
DeleteHappy New Year Lil! Wishing you the very best as you negotiate the changes. As for Miss Independent, I have to agree with Misty also :)
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
Roz,
DeleteHappy New Year to you as well! And thank you.
Changes are so much easier to navigate from the driver's seat of a working car...I'll get there!
Hey...hey...this sounds so very...crazily familiar...scary....
ReplyDeleteLil,you made it. You're at that Big Thing Change Thing...it will all settle, but its super cool that you are there and you are living it..
Bleueame,
DeleteIt is cool to be here living it. After so much planning and uncertainty, it's nice to have a solid, if somewhat overwhelming, reality. Huge adjustment, (still occasionally feeling like pinching myself when I wake up in the morning) but very cool.