Owned, part I

She met Him at the door wearing only her collar. A piece composed of a series of small metal circles which lay comfortingly across her collarbone. Kneeling at His feet she removed His shoes and bowed her head. His bottomless brown eyes, surrounded by eyelashes that went on forever, glinted slightly as He touched her hands and motioned her gently to her feet. "Miss me little one?" "So very much Master" she replied feeling a slight shiver roll down her spine. He smacked her ass lightly, "help me out of these clothes." She slid His shirt up over His shoulders watching the muscles ripple in the soft candle light as He shrugged it off. Sinking back down to her knees she unfastened His belt. The sound His belt buckle made as she undid the fastenings made her shake slightly. The belt was more punishment than pleasure and He took His time when He chose to use it on her delicate flesh. She could feel Him smiling at the top of her head. He knew what she was thinking and found it rather amusing. She slipped His pants off and reached for His underwear, sliding it slowly down His legs. Looking up at Him from the floor, she felt like a miniature figurine. He towered over her all muscle and golden hair. "Go get in the shower little one--I want you clean and ready for inspection." She rose slowly to her feet, blushing at the thought of His face inches from her body, strong fingers prodding and checking as He assured Himself she had done the job properly.


Stepping into the shower she winced as unbearably hot water splashed across her skin. Turning down the temperature she melted under the water her mind consumed with thoughts of Him. She heard the bathroom door open and jumped slightly, aware that she hadn't even touched the soap yet. "I'm sorry, I'll be out in a minute she said." He raised an eyebrow slightly as He looked her up and down. His glance slid beneath her skin and invaded her soul as He took in every square inch of her physical form. He moved silently into the shower without taking His eyes off of her. With a steely grin, He reached for the water, she flinched as it returned to it's previously painful temperature. He settled His fingers firmly into her hair. It was not a rough touch, but one that forbid resistance as He pulled her under the flowing water. He motioned wordlessly for the soap and began washing her hair. Each one of her hands was the size of her head. A hand drifted down, grasping her throat and she floated mindlessly in the knowledge that He could snap her neck with one flick of his wrist. His hands continued to roam, spreading soap all over her body until He was satisfied with His work. He held her under the water for a minute. Then suddenly He pulled her head downward, in an unmistakable command. Sinking to her knees she felt His long hard cock slide into her mouth, continuing down her throat until she heaved involuntarily, her body pulling mindlessly away. His fingers tightened in her hair, motionless and unyielding keeping His cock buried in her throat. Suddenly He yanked her head back and pulled her to her feet. "Good job little one" He whispered in her ear as He steadied her. Somehow she had lost the ability to balance on her own. She tried to focus her eyes on His face. Her eyes told her He had a satisifed and slightly amused expression but her brain lacked the capability ot interpret it.

Need to serve

His finger traced a delicate line down the sweat on my back as I gasped for breath. "Come here." As I rolled towards Him He set a finger under my chin and lifted my face to meet His eyes. "It's to easy for you to fall into thinking that you serve Me because I want you to little one. You need to remember that you serve Me because you NEED to."
How very scarily true.

I have been thinking about the difference between submission and surrender. Is there a difference? I think so. To me, submission is an action. Surrender is a step beyond action into a state of being. It's like a need versus a want. Like speaking the word grace or being in a state of grace.
I feel like I never really knew what true love was. For 12 years I have loved M, not always with passion, not always with purity. But always deeply. Now, it feels as if He is all I live and breath. Leaving the house alone to go to work in the morning is almost painful. My mind feels hazy and I only want to be by His side. Our passion is all-consuming, He slides into my mind every time He slips into my body. When He explodes filling me with Him, I am complete. A whole piece of the intricate and never-ending universe. Sitting at His feet, I am where I was meant to be, resting on my knees, staring into His eyes, my soul is on fire, feeling an endless love that never tires.

And so the real world beckons with the screaming of children and the seemingly ever-present need to go to work. Meh.

All in

"You're either all in or out little one." So, we have been on this road for a while now, but there's something to say for evolution I guess. M spent a lot of time repressing parts of himself and I think He's done with that now. We were talking about other women. A subject that's a bit difficult for me to swallow as it's often accompanied with a heap of jealousy and a side-serving of guilt do to my past fuck-ups. M pointed out that I can't continue to submit within the box of my comfort zone and it's time to be all in or get off this train so to speak. "How far down the rabbit hole can you go little one?" The truth is, i don't know and M doesn't either. When He said it was time for me to chose to take the next step or step off the path, He said I needed to think carefully about my choice because there was no going back once the decision was made. Well, it's all in from here on out and I guess we shall see how far down the rabbit hole we can go.

Rules of the "game"

The rules of the game have changed tremendously over this last week. I don't know how well I'm adapting. "rules of the game" seems to be a very ironic suggestion since we have moved so far from "games" we aren't even on the same planet lol.
I'm dazed and confused. So confusion is no stranger, but still, my mind feels a bit wrecked. Over the last few days, M has been very intense. We have these intense conversations in bed that make me squirm, almost every sentence He speaks is followed with "do you understand?"
I'm a jealous person. I have been for a very long time. I suppose that I would be less so if I was a bit more secure with myself, but I haven't been able to change that either lol. I found someone online for M to play around with...Yeah, jealousy is a brutal bitch. I guess it helps if you know and like the person calling your Dominant "Master"...Does it? Dunno. M said something last night that kind of got me going. The funny thing is, it wasn't sexual in the least. He said something about if we bring another woman to bed, it should be someone I can sit and have coffee with in the morning. Coffee...Hmmm, coffee's really not more personal than sex lol. But coffee implies cuddling, some kind of relationship other than empty sex? I'm not well versed in empty sex, I suppose coffee afterwards is not rare lol. It just cast the idea in a different light for me I guess. It didn't help that I got to see someone else call Him Master yesterday. I felt...displaced. I know that's silly, but that is how I felt. I also kind of figured it was just deserts for me; having once said that to other men online myself (well, I'd be lying if I said I remembered exact instances, but I'm sure I did. Sigh*). If I had had any idea of what that really meant, I would have never typed the word lol. Funny how things can seem empty and meaningless until we discover the reality of what they are.
I'm not sure what triggered the changes of this last week, I'm not even sure I object. Well, that's not true. I do. I object vehemently, but somehow I'm losing the will to push back...Maybe that's what scares me. Master's angel did a post (if I wasn't lazy I'd make a link to her blog, but I am and it's listed over to the right) where she talked about fear of losing her Master. I sympathise with that feeling because I have been struggling with that one big time. Because yes, shit we have no control over happens. No matter how strong the Dominant, accidents happen, illness occurs, etc. The further I sink into Him, the more I realize that I couldn't survive without Him. Not just in the physical sense. It's the mental concept of living without Him that sometimes make me wish we had never discovered this thing we call Dominance and submission. Okay, now I'm really rambling incoherently. As far as the other girl goes, what bothers me most, that she called Him Master, or that she didn't send Him the pic that He requested...No, what bothered me most is that she called Him Master when talking to me, not my Master lol. And after all, just because you hop online and type the word, doesn't mean you are truly giving the respect it warrants. Okay, so I think I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping the fangs tucked in, I'm sure someone will disagree with me but oh well.

The conversations M has been having with me at night are melting my mind. He's so clear and concise, He expects answers that are the same, and He does not tolerate evasiveness. He expresses little emotion, there's no anger, no laughter, no fluffy expressions of love. Just this bubble of truth and control that's so pure and intense it almost makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Or maybe into His. I dunno anymore.
M can be quite sadistic. I'm learning that His expression of it is, more often than not, mental rather than physical. If the physical expression doesn't get the mental response He wants to see, it seems to lack quite a bit of satisfaction. I guess while it can be fun to whip someone, it's also fairly rewarding to make them squirm and beg in the same manner without touching them at all.
He asked me, "what scares you more, the thought of waking up in the morning and having coffee with a woman we fucked the night before, or waking up with me in the morning and realizing what you did with another man the night before, because I'm throwing him out when we're done" uhhh. Ouch my mind. I got so carried away with thinking about the coffee I was quite able to avoid thinking about the other. I guess the thought of waking up and having coffee with the woman makes me jealous. The thought of waking up and thinking about what happened with another man the night before makes me feel like I'm standing in town square naked with a leash on.

M seems to find it entertaining that I can't seem to form words when He's asking me things, yet I can sit and write on the blog like a fountain. I have this feeling I won't find it entertaining comes our nightly conversation.

Last night was painfully intense. Not so much physically, as mentally. M told me to get Him hard with words alone...When I couldn't seem to "connect that dirty mind with [your] mouth," M demanded I tell Him about the first time I had cyber sex. I couldn't remember.
M has decided that it's time for me to find another woman for Him to play with. He asked if I understood that He could only know that I really meant it when I said I would do whatever He told me to, if He actually called the bluff and I proved it. M can be a very serious human being. He is rarely as serious as He was last night. He told me that it was important I understand that everything He does is done with my best interests in mind. With His wants and desires forefront of course. By the end of the night I knew without a doubt that the day is coming where I'm tied at the foot of the bed watching Him fuck another woman. A woman I have to find. Ironically, I don't much like women. I don't mean sexually (though members of my sex don't exactly light my fire), I just find most women to be catty and intollerable. Yea I know, viciously betraying my own sex. Sadly, most of the ones worth talking to, would probably agree with me. I went to sleep and woke up feeling like my mind had been turned inside out and upside down.

This world we live in and "why mom?"

If someone had told me that I would be sitting at the dinner table explaining the longstanding conflict between Palestine and Israel, the U.S occupation of Iraq, and why people do so many bad things to each other, I might have put a bit more thought into procreating. How do you best explain to your 7 year old, wars that have been going on since before you were born, conflicts that rage on for years, and why that 7 year old on the other side of the world has no legs? I love my kids. What makes them more important than that kid across the world who has no legs? Nothing except for the fact that they are more important to me. It seems like the world as a whole has devolved to the point where we think it's normal and okay to completely lack human empathy. Lacking empathy is what allows us to turn a blind eye to the suffering of others, to place our pain above that of others, to say, my life is more important because...it's mine.
Yea, I hate those discussions. I think our first nitty-gritty discussion that made me reevaluate parenthood was Thanksgiving. "Yes baby, it was a massacre, ummm, why do we celebrate it? Because we do so in the spirit of giving thanks for what we have been given, in the spirit of which those who died offered to share what they had with others. Not to celebrate the pain and suffering that occurred on the original day." Eeek. Well, I'm sure many people would be more than happy to disagree with my style of parenting. But I don't believe in lying to my children. Not telling them about the truth of this world is not going to make this world a better place, it won't make them become better men. It will only doom us to repeating the mistakes of humanity. After all, if we don't know, or cannot admit past faults, how can we learn from them?
Okay, that's my completely non-sexy and uninteresting philosophical rambling for the day lol.

I think all I ever do is clean. I clean all day at work, stumble home late, then spend my days off cleaning our house. Been averaging 5-6 hours of sleep which is making me just plain cranky. I forgot how hard it is to get a little one to sleep in their own bed. I just wanna be a big girl with my (well, His) own bed again lol.
I went into space the other night for the first time in a while. It felt really wonderful just to be able to let go and sink down. Of course, I did end up crying afterwards when M gave me shit about blowing out the candles when we had no lighter. Wow, how ridiculous that looks in writing. I guess I just get really super sensitive to what He thinks of me ( the irony in not minding being called a slut all night and being hurt about getting a little shit afterwards is not lost on me lol).

Anyways, I have philosophical meanderings on my mind that my kids are not interested in hearing this morning lol. I was thinking about love on the way home last night. Well, love and emotional suffering. I suppose it was a pretty basic realization, but it's something I hadn't really ever thought about in quite this way--love seems to be the one thing on earth that can bring the greatest joy and the worst pain. All surrounding that one emotion. If you didn't love someone, it wouldn't hurt when they died. If you never love, then you miss the most fulfilling emotion a person can experience. Why is it, that one emotion can cause feelings that are so completely opposite (I am welcoming ideas here lol)? Perhaps it's because love is such an intense emotion. It becomes something we hold onto like a lifeline out of the water. When we lose it, we feel like we have been swept away in the currents I guess. perhaps love really is a raging river. At the same time, experiencing it is like getting swept away. Being in love is so similar to losing love--you are carried down the river by forces of nature that are just to strong to control or resist. Hmmm, this all made some kind of weird sense in my head. Seeing it typed out it just looks contradictory and confused. Maybe it's because I'm not good at putting emotion into words. I'm done trying for today lol.

I had been kicking around the idea of taking a road trip with the boys and going out to see my father's family. I have done a lot of traveling, but never without M so the idea of driving across the country on my own is a bit scary. Ironically, it's something my father would probably have loved--me being able to take care of myself was very important to him. I doubt it will happen this year as the drive really needs to happen before snow falls or after it melts, and we just don't have the money. I have put off this particular visit for a very long time. After talking to my grandmother the other day, I feel I need to go. She can't come here and I would like her to meet our youngest son. I felt bad...She started to cry the instant I said my name. She sounds absolutely destroyed. The poor woman lost her husband, her youngest, and now, her eldest child within the span of one year. And her one living son appears to be going off the deep end. I told them to send him out to see me, but I guess he has a problem getting on a plane. I think he's afraid to come here. He's never been out here without my dad being a major presence. I just think that sometimes the best way to deal with an issue is to plow straight through to the other side. Meh, how did I get to be the adult here?

I have been having terrible cramps for no reason and my house is once again in need of cleaning. I had better start staring at it and getting up the motivation to do something with the mess.