Insanity

My day was nuts.

I did 7 hours worth of work in 4 (it hurts).

I had 2 traffic incidents that would have made me go seriously postal if I was more prone to mental breaks (seriously, it's a major peeve of mine when people drive like stupid maniacs with death wishes, then proceed to yell at me simply because I happen to be using the road too).

A rather intoxicated blood covered man followed me around the gas station trying to give me money (Your guess is as good as mine there. I don't look my best when I get off work, but it's impossible to look like a homeless hooker while wearing a hoody with 2 children and a checkbook in hand thank you very much!).

And yea...It took me 10 minutes to get a fire going when I got home--I swear that cardboard is fire resistant.

I wish I could find the riding crop!
On the bright side, kiddo hadn't found it when I caught him digging around in my room looking for Christmas presents...
That bedtime I have been begging for is sounding more and more attractive by the moment...

Recipe Exchange Reminder

I know that I mentioned this a while back, but it was kind of tacked onto the bottom of another post, and I feel like it deserves a post of it's own.

So, I just wanted to post a little reminder that it's nearly time for The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza , once again organized by the lovely Jz.

To participate, post a recipe on your blog on December sixth. It doesn't have to be cookies--any kind of goody is great (I'm no good with cookies myself). If you want to be on the official list of participants, just make sure that you contact Jz by December fourth with your name and blog URL.

Alpha grumbled a bit about giving away closely guarded family secrets when I told him which recipe I was going to share, but as long as none of you make it and bring it to our neighborhood, I think we're good lol.

It's lots of fun, and the more the merrier!

Girl

Girl.
I have been thinking about the term lately, and I'm not sure exactly why it's such a turn-on.
There are so many wonderful variations of use:

Good girl--be still oh my wobbling knees.
Bad girl--not quite as much of a fan of that one.
Girl--great by itself.
My girl--any form of address with "My" or "Mine" is delicious.
Little girl--okay, Alpha has been using this term occasionally, and I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it. I think he knows that, and he'll continue to throw it out there until I get over it.
Silly girl--yes, I do hear that one a lot...Can't argue with it...
Dammit girl--oh, I'm in trouble here. That shouldn't be hot...But it still kinda is.

So why is "Girl" in all its variations such a turn on?
It sounds a bit condescending...
And I'm a bit old for it to apply literally...
Maybe it's because it is a rather diminutive  term...

Oh I dunno...But I do know that I like it when he calls me "Girl." And sometimes, just that knowing really is enough.

Darkness is Not Necessarily the Absence of Light

As usual, I make no claims that this will make an inkling of sense to anyone else...My drafts folder has gotten out of hand again, and it feel a bit like having a cluttered house. So here's cleaning out the corners...

Overall, people (myself included) tend to view BDSM as the darker side of sex, desire, love, power...But there are different forms of darkness.

When I was seven, I had a dream of waking to a dark figure touching me and leaning over me asking me to go with him.. I told him no, that I was not for him. He repeated his request, and I gave the same reply and told him to go away. When I awoke for real, everything was as it had been in the dream, except that he was gone.

What struck me most about the dream (besides thinking that I was awake when I wasn't), was that the figure wasn't just dark--he was a complete absence of light. It is difficult to describe, and to this day I have never seen anything quite like it.
Laying in the garden contemplating the stars, is when I formed the theory that darkness is not the absence of light. But perhaps evil is.

I do love the darker pleasures--pain, control, humiliation, fear, giving myself to his sadistic desires...
But in those dark pleasure, there is not an absence of light.
There is a purity and sense of absolution that comes with giving in to my darkest desires at his behest and honoring his wishes, whatever they may be.

Oh yes--give me the darker pleasures that we whisper silently to lovers in the night, the ones we keep to ourselves because we are not always aware that we need not fear the darkness, the ones that wash away all that we think ourselves to be...

Because in the darkness there is purification and absolution, there is truth without the constraints of belief, and there is an unrivaled fire that warms me to the depths of my soul.

Because darkness is not necessarily the absence of light.

Family and the Choices We Make

Warning: possibly whiny and completely humorless bitching ahead.

We might not be able to choose our families, but we can damn-well choose how we deal with them.

Thing1 called me the other day...I thought she was thing2, so I picked up the phone with a pleasant "What are you up to?" Yea...It was the typical "Lets pretend everything is peachy!"
Sigh (for new readers curiosity, and those who enjoy a good train-wreck, the whole story can probably be found under the labels "family" and "rants").

I told her that I had nothing to say to her, and asked her what she wanted...She cried and hung up with avid protestations of love.
I sound unreasonably cruel right, like I'm not giving her a chance to prove she has changed?

Here's the thing--nearly 15 years of experience has taught me not to believe a word that comes out of her mouth, and I simply do not care anymore.

I love her. And yes, I always will. But love is not to be confused with caring. And a relationship cannot sustain itself on only one of the two.

Many times I chose to believe her.
I chose to drag her out of the depths of shit she got herself into time and time again; I chose to take her home when everything in her life was broken; I chose to take her kid away in the hopes that babygirl wouldn't die in some crack house; I chose to send babygirl to thing2; I chose to sit in the emergency room time and time again while thing1 went through withdrawals; I chose to spend every last dime we had to get her into the 2 year rehab she stayed in for 3 weeks; I chose to kick her out of my life and say I was done.
And yes, I did not make these choices on my own--Alpha and I made them together.

Contrary to popular belief, love does not conquer all evils.

At the core of it isn't the heroin, it isn't the meth, it isn't the abusive relationships...It's a culmination of years worth of shit, and the part of herself that always and forever refused to give the one and only thing she was asked for--truth.

And thing2 hasn't called me since I refused to speak to thing1. It makes me sad.
We have had an extremely superficial relationship since she shipped thing1 out of rehab and didn't bother to tell us for weeks. After the months of shit we went through to take babygirl and get thing1 to where she was...And we never actually talked about it.
Thing2 is great at pretending everything is okay. Me? Not so much. But her kiddo was due for heart surgery, and there are things worth putting aside differences for. So I just let it slide.
In retrospect, that was probably not the best approach.
So if she resumes calling, we will talk about it. Chances are, we will agree to disagree, and the superficial relationship we have tenuously built will fall into the ashes once again.

We all make choices. We try to make choices we can live with at the end of the day, and I wouldn't go back on the choices I have made.

Alpha teasingly told me the other day, "You would be happier if you just lowered your standards!" And while that is probably quite true, it's not going to happen--my standards are part of what makes me like who I am. So they will stay as they are.
But it is lonely sometimes.

That Which Dwells Inside

 I have been thinking again...

I do believe that compartmentalizing parts of oneself can go a long way to avoiding immediate and extreme mental trauma. The problem is, it's not healthy to keep parts of your self locked up for ages on end--it has to come out sometime.
Every part is essential to the whole, and ideally we integrate all that we are into a healthy and complete form. Sounds great...

But the longer you keep part of yourself separate from the rest of you, the harder it is to reintegrate.

This pretty little critter ties in with something about myself that I have been thinking on quite a bit lately. It might not all tie together smoothly, or in a way that makes sense to anyone else. So for that I apologize in advance and say: At least you get a cup (or two), of coffee out of it right?

An often timid lover, I am generally shy and reserved, with a low sex drive...

I consider myself to be a rather desire/sexually repressed person. All of it self-imposed. My theories regarding the reasons for that are probably floating around here somewhere already.

The thing is, I see that part of me as very much like the creature in this picture--a beast that is not easily controlled, often misjudged, and very very dangerous.
Unlike the picture, it is not simplistic. Or perhaps it is. Perhaps it is the most simplistic and basic thing of all.

As animalistic as it is, the creature is also very much like a raging fire.

A very long time ago, I took that fire and tucked it away. Ever since it peeked out, I have known that I couldn't control that part of me. So I attempted to extinguish it's spark as best I could. But there it still sits, very much like this

And there it burns. Too hot to touch, too strong to extinguish, too dangerous to release, too terrifying to acknowledge.
Trust in Master to control it you say? A logical and valid solution, I'll admit.
But there is no logic here, and many things are easier spoken than experienced. His ability to control the fire is not in question...After all, the yearning to escape my own confines is merely in order to enter those of his making.

The creature of my darkest desires, my wanton abandon, the whore I hoard inside...she is beautiful. Deadly and dangerous, she stalks my mind. For now I am prey. But if she should come out to play, I become predator.

For that part of me, there is only dark desires. A willingness to do anything in order to feed the needs of that hungry beast. She is insatiable and wanton, with no care for those who stand in her way. The ultimate whore in predator form.

Yes, Alpha would match her every step of the way. Because inside, he is all of that beast and then some.
I think that he keeps it contained to a certain extent, in consideration of me.
Yet I wonder...
Would it be possible for him to truly love the beast? If she could not be controlled, she would be contained, forcefully chained back into her cage. He has said as much.

Yet still I wonder. And watch the flames as they quietly flicker...

The Second Half of Liebster

So ancilla had some questions that I thought were very good...A few of them just got the squirm/denial factor of my mind going full force, so I decided to put my answers to her in a post of its own. And I'll do 11 more facts about us.
Sorry that this ended up posting on Thanksgiving ancilla. Thank you for thinking of me!

1. "When did you realize you were 'kinky,' if ever?"
Oh...Ouch.
Six or seven years ago in a yahoo chat room when a Dominant approached me I guess. At that time it was more of a game than anything else. The realization hit home when Alpha caught me and decided that if I wanted to play, it would be with him and him alone. And it wouldn't be a game.

2. "What is your favorite fantasy?"
 Now who doesn't do easy questions? Sigh.
Begging to suck another man's cock while Alpha fucks me. And getting permission after sufficient begging and humiliation.

3. "What is the fantasy that you wish would get out of your head, but keeps coming back, if there is one?"
Oh for fucks sake! *Squirms down in her chair and tries to disappear.*
I guess it would have to be being caged and used against my will then rescued.
I have a valid hypothesis as to why that one won't go away...

4. "Where do you feel most at home?"
My first response would be the valley I grew up in where I still live. But it doesn't feel very much like home when Alpha is away, so I'm going with wherever he is.

5. "What do you most want from the person you are with, whether that is a partner/Dom/sub/slave/Master?"
Do I have to pick one thing? Foremost I would say control. Of course, there's love, loyalty, truth, and trust too...As Alpha would say, "I want it all baby."

6. "Why do you write a blog?"
I'm a (mostly) shameless addict, and I enjoy the interaction it allows me to have with others...
Sometimes to tell Alpha the things I can't bring my mouth to say, sometimes because getting the thoughts out of my head and quiet the noise, sometimes to make sense of things that I am trying to understand.
I suppose it depends on the day...

7. "What is your favorite TV show?"
Oh I dunno...Could I go for an unlikely pair and say The Middle and Walking Dead?

8. "Favorite desert?"
Anything with coffee or chocolate. Preferably both.

9. "Favorite time of day?"
Believe it or not, early morning just as the sun begins to light up the sky.

10. "Do you believe in God/ are you a spiritual person?"
I do consider myself to be a spiritual person. I don't know that it would be correct to say that I believe in "God" though. Religiously I have always identified as Pagan. I feel that, while she might not be gentle in the use of her own, the Mother has always done right by me.
Overall I would have to say that I believe all Gods/Goddesses are one and the same--we simply give them names and meanings that are easiest for us to comprehend and identify with.
It is the intent behind our prayers that matter. Not the name and face we choose to give that which we believe in.

11. "What is your favorite sexual position?"
This question shouldn't be complicated should it?
Ass up, face down, with his hand on my back. Given my physical limitations, on my back with him beside me is the surest way for me to enjoy myself though.

Now, in a moment of insanity, I did say that I would come up with 11 more random things about Alpha/us didn't I?

1. We always disagree about who finished the coffee--it's become a daily tradition. Only problem is...I never win.

2. He is positively gorgeous dressed in black (yes I'm biased, and yes it's still true).

3. At full height, Alpha is 9 inches taller than me.

4. Few things are sweeter than watching him hunkered down in a group of small children.

5. I'm asthmatic and Alpha pays very close attention when depriving me of air. Though he says that being choked makes me wet--like pushing some magic button. I'll neither deny or admit to that.

6. He tells me that I can do anything he says I can do. Oddly enough, I believe him.

7. He seems to believe that laundry baskets are for decorative purposes only. I have spent fourteen years trying to persuade him to see the error of his ways--to no avail.

8. He can start a fire without paper or a lighter in the time it takes me to walk to the bathroom.

9. There was an impressive display of lightning and thunder on our wedding day. Some said the Gods gave us their blessing, or maybe complained--but either way, they were watching.

10. Alpha always believes me when I say that the car made funny sounds when I was driving--even if they don't happen while he's in it.

11. He rarely does it, but Alpha is a very good cook. Though the obscene mess he usually leaves in the kitchen makes me cringe...