Warning: possibly whiny and completely humorless bitching ahead.
We might not be able to choose our families, but we can damn-well choose how we deal with them.
Thing1 called me the other day...I thought she was thing2, so I picked up the phone with a pleasant "What are you up to?" Yea...It was the typical "Lets pretend everything is peachy!"
Sigh (for new readers curiosity, and those who enjoy a good train-wreck, the whole story can probably be found under the labels "family" and "rants").
I told her that I had nothing to say to her, and asked her what she wanted...She cried and hung up with avid protestations of love.
I sound unreasonably cruel right, like I'm not giving her a chance to prove she has changed?
Here's the thing--nearly 15 years of experience has taught me not to believe a word that comes out of her mouth, and I simply do not care anymore.
I love her. And yes, I always will. But love is not to be confused with caring. And a relationship cannot sustain itself on only one of the two.
Many times I chose to believe her.
I chose to drag her out of the depths of shit she got herself into time and time again; I chose to take her home when everything in her life was broken; I chose to take her kid away in the hopes that babygirl wouldn't die in some crack house; I chose to send babygirl to thing2; I chose to sit in the emergency room time and time again while thing1 went through withdrawals; I chose to spend every last dime we had to get her into the 2 year rehab she stayed in for 3 weeks; I chose to kick her out of my life and say I was done.
And yes, I did not make these choices on my own--Alpha and I made them together.
Contrary to popular belief, love does not conquer all evils.
At the core of it isn't the heroin, it isn't the meth, it isn't the abusive relationships...It's a culmination of years worth of shit, and the part of herself that always and forever refused to give the one and only thing she was asked for--truth.
And thing2 hasn't called me since I refused to speak to thing1. It makes me sad.
We have had an extremely superficial relationship since she shipped thing1 out of rehab and didn't bother to tell us for weeks. After the months of shit we went through to take babygirl and get thing1 to where she was...And we never actually talked about it.
Thing2 is great at pretending everything is okay. Me? Not so much. But her kiddo was due for heart surgery, and there are things worth putting aside differences for. So I just let it slide.
In retrospect, that was probably not the best approach.
So if she resumes calling, we will talk about it. Chances are, we will agree to disagree, and the superficial relationship we have tenuously built will fall into the ashes once again.
We all make choices. We try to make choices we can live with at the end of the day, and I wouldn't go back on the choices I have made.
Alpha teasingly told me the other day, "You would be happier if you just lowered your standards!" And while that is probably quite true, it's not going to happen--my standards are part of what makes me like who I am. So they will stay as they are.
But it is lonely sometimes.