Warning: possibly whiny and completely humorless bitching ahead.
We might not be able to choose our families, but we can damn-well choose how we deal with them.
Thing1 called me the other day...I thought she was thing2, so I picked up the phone with a pleasant "What are you up to?" Yea...It was the typical "Lets pretend everything is peachy!"
Sigh (for new readers curiosity, and those who enjoy a good train-wreck, the whole story can probably be found under the labels "family" and "rants").
I told her that I had nothing to say to her, and asked her what she wanted...She cried and hung up with avid protestations of love.
I sound unreasonably cruel right, like I'm not giving her a chance to prove she has changed?
Here's the thing--nearly 15 years of experience has taught me not to believe a word that comes out of her mouth, and I simply do not care anymore.
I love her. And yes, I always will. But love is not to be confused with caring. And a relationship cannot sustain itself on only one of the two.
Many times I chose to believe her.
I chose to drag her out of the depths of shit she got herself into time and time again; I chose to take her home when everything in her life was broken; I chose to take her kid away in the hopes that babygirl wouldn't die in some crack house; I chose to send babygirl to thing2; I chose to sit in the emergency room time and time again while thing1 went through withdrawals; I chose to spend every last dime we had to get her into the 2 year rehab she stayed in for 3 weeks; I chose to kick her out of my life and say I was done.
And yes, I did not make these choices on my own--Alpha and I made them together.
Contrary to popular belief, love does not conquer all evils.
At the core of it isn't the heroin, it isn't the meth, it isn't the abusive relationships...It's a culmination of years worth of shit, and the part of herself that always and forever refused to give the one and only thing she was asked for--truth.
And thing2 hasn't called me since I refused to speak to thing1. It makes me sad.
We have had an extremely superficial relationship since she shipped thing1 out of rehab and didn't bother to tell us for weeks. After the months of shit we went through to take babygirl and get thing1 to where she was...And we never actually talked about it.
Thing2 is great at pretending everything is okay. Me? Not so much. But her kiddo was due for heart surgery, and there are things worth putting aside differences for. So I just let it slide.
In retrospect, that was probably not the best approach.
So if she resumes calling, we will talk about it. Chances are, we will agree to disagree, and the superficial relationship we have tenuously built will fall into the ashes once again.
We all make choices. We try to make choices we can live with at the end of the day, and I wouldn't go back on the choices I have made.
Alpha teasingly told me the other day, "You would be happier if you just lowered your standards!" And while that is probably quite true, it's not going to happen--my standards are part of what makes me like who I am. So they will stay as they are.
But it is lonely sometimes.
Man, coming from experience, I am so, so sorry. They are wonderful story tellers, aren't they? Not quite rooted in our reality and tend to change the rules, so to speak, when it comes to social conduct. Slippery fish!
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Senator,
Deleteoh yes--they are the most consummate storytellers of anyone you could ever know.
I don't think it's possible to realize exactly what it's like if you have never dealt with them.
lil: This all sounds so very tough. I think we can only deal with so much when it comes to people--even if they are family. And it sucks when our best efforts aren't acknowledged or seem to make no impact and patterns repeat themselves.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you and Alpha are on the same page with these issues--and that has to help a little bit. *hugs*
Blueame,
DeleteIt is tough. Though, the situation with thing2 came to a head this spring, I don't think she believed us when we said we were really finally done.
And yes, being on the same page always helps!
Thank you.
Sending you big hugs and lots of support. It is not easy, and I think you know you are doing the right things, but I will say that I would do the same. I see this in my future with a brother... I hope to have the same strength and resolve as you.
ReplyDeleteHugs!!
HisLilAngel,
Deleteit's been done for some time now...So I was a bit surprised at the need to drive that fact home for her.
Sorry to hear about your brother--it's really difficult, and as Senator said, they do tell the best stories.
If you ever need an ear to rant at about it, feel free to drop me an email! Been there, done that, and I know it just generally sucks all the way around.
You can't change other people you can only change your expectations of them. I think you've done that and you're done.
ReplyDeleteSunnygirl,
Deleteas usual, you are very very right (they can keep left heh).
lil- I applaud you for no longer being an enabler.
ReplyDeleteI speak from experience that walking away is the HARDEST thing to do, but it is also in extreme circumstances like yours the only answer.
Sending Hugs and continued strength your way.
~faithful
faithful,
Deletethat is so so true. And what we as family often see as help, is actually enabling them to continue on their downward spiral (enter here the biggest reason for my conflict with thing2).
Thank you.
It is never easy, often we have to back away for sanity.We cannot continue to put our own emotional and or financial health at risk.
ReplyDeleteThere are times when we just say I will listen, but that is all I can do for you. They need to find their own way often....or not.
ah Minelle, you are too good.
DeleteAfter a certain point, listening was no good--it simply served her need to have someone listen to her lies.
And they do need to find their own way...Or not. It's a choice they have to make themselves. Which, while difficult to accept, is really the only way in the end.
I have personal experience with this. My sister was on the same path for years. Stay strong, dont lower your standards. I went through all the rehabs and pulling her out of crap situations also. Everyone else in my family pretended everything was fine when i refused too. I think if you choose to ignore it than she doesnt even realize how bad it is because she can also pretend it doesnt exsist. It takes a stronger person to talk about things. Shes finally out of it and now she thanks me. Your doing the right thing, even if it is the hardest.
ReplyDeleteFrom One Submissive to Another,
DeleteI do agree that it's hugely problematic to pretend everything is okay. Which is why her sister and I aren't getting along...
Hey, Lil,
ReplyDeleteJust thinking of you today. It's a hard road you're on. You already know you're doing the right thing, you probably don't actually need me to tell your that, but i'll say it too. It sounds like you've taken the rights steps every step of the way.
Sending love,
aisha
Thank you aisha. It no longer emotionally rankles me the way it did...Adjusting to her sister refusing to speak to me because of it...Well that is slightly more difficult lol.
DeleteThank you for your kind words and lovely thoughts. They are always appreciated.