Sunday, November 25, 2012

That Which Dwells Inside

 I have been thinking again...

I do believe that compartmentalizing parts of oneself can go a long way to avoiding immediate and extreme mental trauma. The problem is, it's not healthy to keep parts of your self locked up for ages on end--it has to come out sometime.
Every part is essential to the whole, and ideally we integrate all that we are into a healthy and complete form. Sounds great...

But the longer you keep part of yourself separate from the rest of you, the harder it is to reintegrate.

This pretty little critter ties in with something about myself that I have been thinking on quite a bit lately. It might not all tie together smoothly, or in a way that makes sense to anyone else. So for that I apologize in advance and say: At least you get a cup (or two), of coffee out of it right?

An often timid lover, I am generally shy and reserved, with a low sex drive...

I consider myself to be a rather desire/sexually repressed person. All of it self-imposed. My theories regarding the reasons for that are probably floating around here somewhere already.

The thing is, I see that part of me as very much like the creature in this picture--a beast that is not easily controlled, often misjudged, and very very dangerous.
Unlike the picture, it is not simplistic. Or perhaps it is. Perhaps it is the most simplistic and basic thing of all.

As animalistic as it is, the creature is also very much like a raging fire.

A very long time ago, I took that fire and tucked it away. Ever since it peeked out, I have known that I couldn't control that part of me. So I attempted to extinguish it's spark as best I could. But there it still sits, very much like this

And there it burns. Too hot to touch, too strong to extinguish, too dangerous to release, too terrifying to acknowledge.
Trust in Master to control it you say? A logical and valid solution, I'll admit.
But there is no logic here, and many things are easier spoken than experienced. His ability to control the fire is not in question...After all, the yearning to escape my own confines is merely in order to enter those of his making.

The creature of my darkest desires, my wanton abandon, the whore I hoard inside...she is beautiful. Deadly and dangerous, she stalks my mind. For now I am prey. But if she should come out to play, I become predator.

For that part of me, there is only dark desires. A willingness to do anything in order to feed the needs of that hungry beast. She is insatiable and wanton, with no care for those who stand in her way. The ultimate whore in predator form.

Yes, Alpha would match her every step of the way. Because inside, he is all of that beast and then some.
I think that he keeps it contained to a certain extent, in consideration of me.
Yet I wonder...
Would it be possible for him to truly love the beast? If she could not be controlled, she would be contained, forcefully chained back into her cage. He has said as much.

Yet still I wonder. And watch the flames as they quietly flicker...


  1. Beautiful imagery. If the care, determination, and electricity that you've posted about between you and Alpha is anything to go off of, Alpha already loves the tigeress within you. She is part of you, a completion of yourself.

    Trust yourself, and dance within the flames of your desires.

    (and then please share about it) :P

    1. Senator,
      I think he loves her more than I do lol.

  2. As Senator said, beautiful imagery. But I don't think you are being fair to yourself or Alpha to hold back your feelings and emotions. Trust.

    1. sunnygirl,
      the interesting (or completely annoying), thing about compartmentalizing traits for too long, is that when you decide you want to explore them, they can be surprisingly difficult to coax back out.

  3. I can so relate, hugs

    1. trazuredpet,
      I don't think "thank you" does this comment justice, but still, thank you. Really.
      Not easy is it?

  4. It is a terrible thing to be afraid of a large part of yourself. Being with someone that accepts all of you should allow that fear to subside, but it doesn't always.

    I think there is more here to explore...

    1. Kitty,
      Oh it seems that there is always more to explore here lol.
      Since beginning to explore ttwd, it has gotten considerably better.
      But i do think that the huge drawback to compartmentalizing like this, comes when one tries to reintegrate everything. No matter how much I want to, doing is not nearly as easy as saying I want to.

  5. Hi Lil,
    I think that you have to trust Alpha enough, that he Will still love you. Even if he can never controll this part of you. You all have been together for a long time for him not to. Since this hidden part of you, that you think closely matches Alpha i think he will love it.


    1. Jodi,
      I have never actually been able to control it myself.
      When it comes right down to it, I think I am far more afraid that I won't be able to draw it out.
      It's not that it's always locked up, I just have no dimmer switch lol.

  6. I love this post! Beautifully written. I have to agree with some others. Talk to Alpha. Maybe not ask him to control it, but to help you explore it slowly and comfortably. Good luck!

    1. Kitty,
      Welcome to my crazy little corner.
      We have discussed it on many occasions and have been exploring it for some time...But it is difficult to reintegrate things that have been so tightly locked up for so long.


Play nice.