My beautiful queen on her knees.  Here we are back at the beginning of our 15th trip around the sun together.  I want you (and the world) to know how much you mean to me.  You are the sun that lights my day, the moon that brightens my night, the stars that guide my journey when I can't see the path.  Simply put you are my everything and I would be lost without you.  Life has its ups and downs, ins and outs.  My most comforting thought is always you.  YOU bring a sense of peace in this crazy existence,  YOU make it all OK.  Without you I would be lost adrift on a sea of loneliness.  Thank you for being my shelter in the storm, and the wind beneath my wings.  You my beautiful Queen On Her Knees.  My love for you shall always burn eternally........for ever more....................

Randomly Speaking...

Blogger is making me angry. I know it acts up sometimes, and I'm used to that. But it's been telling me for two whole days that I'm not following any blogs--in the past they have come and gone, but the refresh button fixes all. Then the blogs on the sidebar...Well, titles seem to be appearing and disappearing randomly...

In other news...

I think that I have figured out my greatest source of frustration with the writing process--it's different this time.
See, what I learned, what I tutored, what I focused on, was all research based non-fiction. The writing I learned was all about MLA and APA, correctly citing sources, making bibliographies, etc.
I must say, it's a completely different animal.

Not to seem to focused...

Thursday is our anniversary, and I persuaded my mom to take both the boys for 2 nights. It's a miracle!

They stay tomorrow and the next night. I have no idea what on earth we are going to do. I'm not-so-secretly hoping that Alpha will decide and surprise me lol.

And in the spirit of displaying excessive ADD tendencies...

I am now off to make orange curd to compliment carrot cake, for a birthday tomorrow. There's almost a pound of butter in this recipe...She won't have a heart attack if I don't tell her right?

Discoveries...

Over the last couple of days, I have discovered that I am capable of producing respectable amounts of writing.
Unfortunately, I have also discovered that the results are not respectable.
In fact, if I had to give it a label, I would say that it's absolute drivel.

I think that pretty much sums it up...

Alpha scoffed at my proposal to create a blog just for whining. You can blame the future deterioration of these pages on him. Lol.

No One Told Me!

I will not own a Kindle. I adore real books far to much for that. I did however, have to download the Kindle app onto my computer.

And I discovered something wondrous--you can find free books!

I mean, they aren't true paper and ink books where you can flip the pages and smell that lovely book smell, and slide a piece of paper between the pages, and put them up on the shelf just for pretties when you're done...

But!

Free stories!

No one told me!!!

And did you know that, if you type "free Kindle books" into the search bar on Amazon, you get 55,590 results???

I mean, I'm sure they aren't all worth reading, but omygoodies!

No one told me!

I had to add this after the fact, because really, was there ever going to be a better post for it?

A Question of How to Let Him Know...

"I feel like i've been hit with a mack truck! In a good way! Thank you for this site..Been with Fiance for 12 years, kids. I've always been an independent, stubborn, headstrong woman who has just been kinda going along with the motions over the years until... i just found out i was preggy with 4th baby at an older age recently. I have an overwhelming deep desire to finally submit to him fully and unconditionally. I now have a insatiable craving surrender my control and give in to him on all levels. It's like he's finally "won" me over and i crave his discipline and guidance. I actually want to wear skirts now instead of jeans to please him. He has known in the past that I like to be treated roughly in bedroom but has no idea what i'm feeling now. It's gone off the charts and it's like i finally feeling like a real woman for the first time in my life. I don't want him to think i'm weird but need tips on how to let him know. I even actually want to give in and get Married although I have fought that this whole time.. I'm not sure what's going on but I am feeling more free in a way than i ever have.."

 I think that  none of us want our significant others to think that we are weird! There comes a point however, when we just have to have some faith in them. You have been together for a long time, and chances are that it would take a lot more than a desire to submit to make him think you are weird.

And really, there are often times where we initially think that something is weird, then we adapt to the idea and it becomes normal.

As far as tips on how to let him know...Variations of this question are by far the most common subject that I am asked about. I think that I am probably about the worst person to ask when it comes to queries of communication!

I believe that the first step is always to examine oneself--why you want to really submit, what that submission looks like to you, how far you think is realistic, questions of that nature. Because it is immensely helpful to have some clarity in our own minds before bringing these ideas to them.

My opinion is that you are going to have to take the leap--after some serious introspection, sit down and just tell him how you feel.
You have to believe in him enough to know that its okay if he thinks it's weird. Really. You have been together for a long enough period of time, that a revelation like this shouldn't break your relationship.

In my mind, the straightforward approach is always best. Even though it can be somewhat difficult.
I think that the secret is to really examine yourself first, have a respectful approach, and be open minded to whatever his reaction might be.

Best of luck.

Finally Friday

Yay! Soccer week is over! Quite frankly, I have no idea where it went. Though if I had to hazard a guess, I would say someplace unpleasantly warm, and well stocked with flaming pitchforks...

My brain is on melted overdrive. You know, that place where you have a shitload of thoughts, but there are too many of them for any possible sense of coherence whatsoever?

So...

Yea...

Breaking my Own Rule...

I have this little rule for myself--nothing gets published immediately if I am depressed, really angry, or upset. It sits in the drafts folder until I cool down and decide if I want to post it or not.

Yea...
I'm gonna break that rule.

My body has been doing odd things you see. Starting with "unspecified pelvic pain". Such a useful diagnosis, no? Then came the weight gain. Averaging ten pounds a month actually. Oh yay.

Of course, my tests are all perfect. Couldn't be healthier. There's that minor issue of the ovary that hurts being twice as large as the other one, but the radiologist person classified it as normal.

Naturally, there was an objection to my refusal of the chlamydia test...Until I looked at the nurse and told her straight out, "We have the kind of relationship where if he wanted to screw someone else, he would just tell me he was going to, and that would be that. If you really want to though, you can run your little test"
And that my friends, was the end of that conversation.

So back for blood work next week. Then the week after for results. And if I still appear healthy as can be, off to a specialist.

The silly  thing is, none of this bothers me. The fact that there might be something wrong doesn't bother me. The tests, the doctors, the specialists, none of that bothers me. Feeling like shit...Well, that bothers me a little.

But what bothers me, what really fucking bothers me, is suddenly weighing nearly as much as I did when I was pregnant with my first kid. And gaining it at the same fucking rate too.

This and That, Here and There...

I know the blog has been unusually quiet lately. I just haven't had a whole lot to say, though I have learned a few things lately:

I am an inch taller than I thought. Spent my entire adult life believing that I was 5'7, turns out I'm 5'8. Who knew?

Spring does not occur ever year--sometimes it's straight from freezing misery to heatstroke in the blink of an eye!

The office manager at my chiropractor's office is a huge fan of the fifty shades series. Am I the only living female on earth who hasn't read it?? One of these days I'm going to give in...If I'm going to end up discussing it with random people, I should at least be able to blame my familiarity with BDSM on a book, right?

There is apparently a prerequisite character model for books in the fifty shades category. Okay, so technically, I have only read a few, but the Dominant character was the same in all of them. And the same on the back of the book I glanced at the other day...Oh never mind, that may be a post of its own.

Every year, I will inevitably regret signing my kids up for soccer camp and necessitating driving three hours a day every day for a friggin week. You guessed it, starts tomorrow! 

In other random news...

We discovered that writing and sharing a computer are not compatible activities.
So he bought me a laptop. With the necessary software.

It arrives in a few days, and I have to admit that I'm rather excited.

I did have one more excuse up my sleeve though...
About the technical rules of writing, and how I never quite mastered them.
He scoffed at me and rolled his eyes.
I'm not allowed to roll my eyes, wtf!

I Googled something...And now every time he plays chess on the computer, this awesome bright yellow ad pops up, "Be brave. Write!"
Lol.

And that's all I got.
Except, Happy Father's Day to the dad's of the world. And most of all, to the one who puts up with my offspring, yet loves them anyways.

A Question of Someone to Talk To?

"So I "discovered" my love/interest/need what-have-you for BDSM at a young age (like, think 4th grade) - as in i realized I wasn't wrong, I wasn't "sick" and it was okay...anyway. Now I'm just kind of stuck at a crossroads. There's not really a "mentor" I can find, and I feel like i've almost exhausted the available self-research opportunities. Is there anywhere or anyone I can more-or-less talk to about this? I...am tired of feeling more alone, then in the community." 

Sorry it has taken me so long to get to this question. Better late than never right?

Alright, I'm gonna be honest here--this is a tricky question for me. Not because it is inherently complicated, but because, having stopped by your blog, I realize that age is an issue.
Technically, this blog is for 18+ readers, and there's all sorts of laws that can create serious problems for "adults" who interact with underage people when things like sex or BDSM are the topics of conversation.

Realistically?
The world doesn't work like that.
If everyone confined themselves to those rules, I wouldn't be married to Alpha.

All that being said, I don't know that I can really offer you any solutions.
Scarletteen is a site just for teens that does have some posts about BDSM if you search it.
It is possible that Luna at Submissive Guide may have some information on her site that you will find useful. There is also a possibility that she could point you in the right direction or offer you advice that you may find helpful.

As far as mentors and people to talk to go, I think that you need to be extremely careful.
Chances are that anyone worth talking to, will be somewhat hesitant because of your age, and people who jump at the chance to mentor you, may not have your best interests in mind and will possibly view you as easily exploitable.
If you are absolutely dead set on finding a mentor now, I would advise that you stick to people of the submissive persuasion, and keep in mind that anyone can pretend to be anything they want to be on the internet.

Often, it is a condition of humanity to feel as if we simply cannot wait for something. That is a condition I myself seem to be particularly afflicted with lol. However, it doesn't hurt to wait.
I think that if you were to spend some more time discovering who you are as a person and exploring your place in the world, you will find that being a bit older will be beneficial when it comes to interacting with people in the BDSM community.

I am sorry to hear that you feel alone and not part of the community. But, I would advise you to not take it personally. You could, quite rightfully, be considered very dangerous to the health of anyone over 18 (I suppose there is an age variance in legalities depending on place).
Regardless of the realities of life, you are still considered to be a child in the eyes of the law. And that's murky shark-infested water that most decent people want to stay away from altogether.

Please don't think that I am preaching down to, or attempting to minimize you because of your age. A fair amount of my life was spent being treated as if I was too young for intelligent thought, and that is not a favor I would wish to return to anyone.
I am simply trying to point out possibilities as to why you are having difficulties finding people to interact with in the community. And I also think that it's very important for you to know just how dangerous it can be out here--rare is the person who will have your best interests at heart.

I think that you can learn a lot from yourself. You said that you have done research, but we often overlook ourselves as the greatest source of information--why do you want a mentor, what interests you about bdsm, why do you feel you need someone outside of yourself to interact with, who are you and what makes you tick, etc.

To really explore bdsm, or anything for that matter, we have to first begin exploring ourselves. No matter what age we are.
An understanding of ourselves helps us to a greater understanding of the world, what we do, and who we are within it.

On the sidebar, there are a few links to websites that you might find of interest, and at the top of the sidebar, there is a link to contact me, should you wish to use it.

I recommend keeping an eye on the comments on this post because there are some lovely people who drop by here, and hopefully, some of them will have thoughts that you will find helpful.

Self Image and Personal Atrocities of Perception

I know that I have a question which has been waiting for me for a while...I'm still working my way up to it. Promise I'll get there before the end of the century.


I have spent the majority of my life underweight, and striving to gain an ever elusive 5-10 more pounds.
Suddenly, there's no need to strive for that anymore--because a magic 15 pounds appeared on it's own.
Which is why my fucking clothes don't fit.

But that's not really what this post is supposed to be about. It's supposed to be about how we perceive ourselves. Or more accurately, how I perceive myself.

I love this picture because she knows she is beautiful as she is, and that knowledge makes her beautiful.
She doesn't want to be nipped and tucked into someone elses idea of beauty to fit some popular mold of what is attractive.
She is who she is, and she's happy with it.
I respect and admire that.
So why exactly can't I, who nearly fits inside those little marker lines, feel the same as she does?

It's not that I don't think that we should take care of ourselves and be in good shape, I do.
Taking care of myself is something that hasn't been a big priority for me in my life, with the exception of my teen years, which were admittedly vain.
Somewhere between life and kids, I decided that taking care of myself meant achieving more that 2 hours of uninterpreted sleep a night, eating enough to not fade away completely (though my success at that was debatable at times), and consuming enough coffee to stay awake for an entire day.

Over the course of the last year, taking care of myself has become one of my priorities. I eat well, make time for that extra shower that just couldn't happen when the kids were small, workout consistently, and am probably in better shape than I've been for years.
These are good things, you say?
Well...
Here's the catch:
I don't take care of myself because I like my body and I think that it's worth taking care of--I do it because I don't like my body, and I don't want my husband to wake up one day and decide that he feels the same way as I do about it.

Now, my screwed up particular motivation does not negate the physical improvements made by taking care of myself. It does however, prevent me from appreciating the results of my efforts.

Why is it so extremely difficult for me to take the simplistic and healthy view?

Terrible with Titles

I think that I might be slowly working my way back to the land of the living. Perhaps I will even be counted among the sane soon! Well, maybe...

I have to say, there are occasional moments in life when I resent his ownership. None of them have held a candle to this week though.

Apparently, it is completely possible to make someone give up an addiction. For a pig-headed, overbearing, stubborn, and completely unreasonable Dominant anyways.

Hmmm, Maybe I was giving myself a bit too much credit in my opening paragraph...

Anyways, this post has been knocking around in the drafts folder for some time, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to to wrap the thought up with a neat little bow...

There is a slight chance that this post might all tie together though!
 
One thing that I occasionally find myself struggling with, (yes, I said one. Oh hush) is that I have always believed that one must do things out of a sense of personal motivation, and that success is dependent on an inner desire for oneself--not outside forces.

In a way, that view is compatible with D/s. And in a way, it is quite contrary.
I realize that those are opposing views, but I don't think that fact negates them.

Anyways...
I found a thought that seems to clear up many of my self- created, over-thinking, obsessive issues that revolve around this particular subject...

Clearly, I am NOT the Problem...Probably...Maybe

I smoked what is supposed to be my last cigarette yesterday...

My kids are driving me crazy
my husband made the unfortunate mistake of giving me the solution to a chess puzzle...Now for some inexplicable reason, he has things to do away from the house today
the dogs are driving me crazy--I think that I am going to bite the one who keeps growling at everything
the cat who was crazy enough to ask for love is driving me crazy.

For the life of me, I cannot understand why no one else can see that the sky has clearly fallen...

And did I mention that right around the corner...

Damn grass. Who does it think it is anyways, all green and pretty and shit...