Saturday, June 15, 2013

A Question of Someone to Talk To?

"So I "discovered" my love/interest/need what-have-you for BDSM at a young age (like, think 4th grade) - as in i realized I wasn't wrong, I wasn't "sick" and it was okay...anyway. Now I'm just kind of stuck at a crossroads. There's not really a "mentor" I can find, and I feel like i've almost exhausted the available self-research opportunities. Is there anywhere or anyone I can more-or-less talk to about this? tired of feeling more alone, then in the community." 

Sorry it has taken me so long to get to this question. Better late than never right?

Alright, I'm gonna be honest here--this is a tricky question for me. Not because it is inherently complicated, but because, having stopped by your blog, I realize that age is an issue.
Technically, this blog is for 18+ readers, and there's all sorts of laws that can create serious problems for "adults" who interact with underage people when things like sex or BDSM are the topics of conversation.

The world doesn't work like that.
If everyone confined themselves to those rules, I wouldn't be married to Alpha.

All that being said, I don't know that I can really offer you any solutions.
Scarletteen is a site just for teens that does have some posts about BDSM if you search it.
It is possible that Luna at Submissive Guide may have some information on her site that you will find useful. There is also a possibility that she could point you in the right direction or offer you advice that you may find helpful.

As far as mentors and people to talk to go, I think that you need to be extremely careful.
Chances are that anyone worth talking to, will be somewhat hesitant because of your age, and people who jump at the chance to mentor you, may not have your best interests in mind and will possibly view you as easily exploitable.
If you are absolutely dead set on finding a mentor now, I would advise that you stick to people of the submissive persuasion, and keep in mind that anyone can pretend to be anything they want to be on the internet.

Often, it is a condition of humanity to feel as if we simply cannot wait for something. That is a condition I myself seem to be particularly afflicted with lol. However, it doesn't hurt to wait.
I think that if you were to spend some more time discovering who you are as a person and exploring your place in the world, you will find that being a bit older will be beneficial when it comes to interacting with people in the BDSM community.

I am sorry to hear that you feel alone and not part of the community. But, I would advise you to not take it personally. You could, quite rightfully, be considered very dangerous to the health of anyone over 18 (I suppose there is an age variance in legalities depending on place).
Regardless of the realities of life, you are still considered to be a child in the eyes of the law. And that's murky shark-infested water that most decent people want to stay away from altogether.

Please don't think that I am preaching down to, or attempting to minimize you because of your age. A fair amount of my life was spent being treated as if I was too young for intelligent thought, and that is not a favor I would wish to return to anyone.
I am simply trying to point out possibilities as to why you are having difficulties finding people to interact with in the community. And I also think that it's very important for you to know just how dangerous it can be out here--rare is the person who will have your best interests at heart.

I think that you can learn a lot from yourself. You said that you have done research, but we often overlook ourselves as the greatest source of information--why do you want a mentor, what interests you about bdsm, why do you feel you need someone outside of yourself to interact with, who are you and what makes you tick, etc.

To really explore bdsm, or anything for that matter, we have to first begin exploring ourselves. No matter what age we are.
An understanding of ourselves helps us to a greater understanding of the world, what we do, and who we are within it.

On the sidebar, there are a few links to websites that you might find of interest, and at the top of the sidebar, there is a link to contact me, should you wish to use it.

I recommend keeping an eye on the comments on this post because there are some lovely people who drop by here, and hopefully, some of them will have thoughts that you will find helpful.


  1. What good advice. My heart feels for her but as you said it is a "slippery slope". I hope she takes your advice and finds her way.

  2. This is such wonderful advice Lil,

    I like what you said about it not hurting to wait, and that we first need to explore and understand ourselves. Also very sound advice in relation to searching for a mentor. I too hope that she takes your advice and is able to find her way and what is right for her.


  3. Your advice is written from a perspective of somebody who has lived thru her pain in some ways. Beautifully written well thought out advice.

    She still young. Of course I grew up in a completely different culture, but I feel that there are so many little rituals she can practice by herself to become more aware of who she really is. The possibilities are quite vast. Not all rituals have to be centered around BDSM. Even the simple act of walking or breathing can bring a tremendous sense of awareness and thru that awareness help her along the journey she wants to take. Mindfully sitting, standing, laughing, smiling, talking, the list is just endless. Every one of those acts can make you feel incredibly submissive and all without any mentor

    1. Desi Daasi,
      What wonderful and applicable advice.
      Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts!

  4. ...I fully understand what you, lil, and all of the rest of you are saying. I also can agree, I AM young - I'm on the cusp of turning 18 actually. And as to issues legally, I do apologize for that; I also got my mother's permission to not only view this material but to discuss it if someone would be willing, because she doesn't want me to be in the dark when there are adults out there who have far more knowledge then she will or I do.

    All the research in the world won't help me with the questions and the lack of belonging I feel. Its less that I want to talk about sexual acts or kinks in particular, its more that, Like when I came to terms with my orientation, I had to talk to others who were Pansexual or bisexual about it. I just wish I there was an adult switch or submissive I could talk to, someone with more life experience then another teen like myself. I've come to the point that introspection and meditation, online research and such, just isn't enough anymore. I've been caught in this place since I was 15. And frankly the laws that restrict the ability to talk about "sensitive" subjects anger me, since as human beings, we are bound to have questions and sometimes, they can't wait till we are legally adults;
    Waiting to ask certain questions resulted in the deaths of some close friends of mine, because the issues they wanted to ask about were legally a problem at the time. Now, they never can ask. I may be stronger, but I also know the value of asking when the need arises, and my mom agrees. Again, sorry if its a problem at all for ANY of you. It is never my intention to cause problems.

    As a Wiccan and an Aikidoka, I have done a lot of soul searching...I'm just simply at what I feel is the end of what I can do on my own.

    Thank you for all your heartfelt replies. I will and have taken them to heart (this I am posting after the 4th time reading them over the course of several months).

    Blessed Be.


    1. Beni, glad to see that you have had a chance to read the post.

      I am always open to questions, even though I cannot guarantee that I have any of the answers.

      As to a sense of belonging, I think that difficulty is most often forefront when we are young and establishing our place and person in the world. Though I will admit, that it doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes we just have to create our own space where we belong, and that can take time.

      I do wish you the very best, and hope that you find the answers you are seeking.


Play nice.