Thursday, January 26, 2012

Fitting In and Doing it Wrong

I changed the comment format so hopefully there won't be any more issues with not being able to post comments. Sometimes I think that Blogger just likes messing with me...

I read this post by kytten, where she muses about the possibility that she doesn't fit in here. Then I read one by kaya, who says her Master and herself don't fit the M/s mold.

They got me to thinking--what is a M/s or a D/s relationship, what defines whether we are "doing it right" or not? Perhaps the solution is simple and we are all just doing it wrong lol.

So what is the typical D/s relationship? An omnipotent Master who never makes mistakes, doesn't fall in love, and never bows to anyone? A submissive who is always on her knees, never falls on her face, and lives her life chained to the bed wanting only to serve?

Truth be told, I have come to believe that the "typical" relationship is a fantasy. It's propagated across social boards, various websites, and in the minds of ourselves when we doubt our relationships or ourselves.

It's easy to compare and contrast, to see where we fall short and others soar above. But for the most part, we see only what we are allowed--we get the glimpses we are given. And not everyone wants to say they were up all night with puking kids, or their car broke down, or they had a knockdown dragout fight. Sometimes it's simply because they feel such things have no place on their blog or place of expression and that's completely understandable.
Other times I think it's because people don't like seeming less than perfect. As if the reality of life should not be seen because it is...Less than perfect. Less than fantasy.

Which leads me to a comment Jz once wrote, about the individuality of ttwd. She felt that the single biggest thing every beginner should know is that each relationship is unique, that ttwd is different for each person because it is an individual experience.

That's not something you see scattered across message boards or displayed prominently on websites. And I think that is perhaps a disservice to people who are just starting to explore the nature of ttwd.
There is a fantasy of the perfect Master. The perfect slave. And it's a fantasy outside of reality. A fantasy that we occasionally fall prey to believing, or we simply shake our heads and wander off to browse pastures that appear less green.

So what is ttwd?

It is a relationship entwined in the exchange of power. The rest is simply what we figure out along the way, how we grow together, and what works for us as individuals.

There are a million ways to do it wrong, but is there really any one "right" way where we all fit in perfectly? I doubt it.
There's simply the fantasy of such. Otherwise, we would all just be doing it wrong wouldn't we?


  1. I have had that thought that I don't really fit in anywhere, for the most part that doesn't bother me. I never strived to be part of the crowd, lol. I had thought that I just did it kind of backwards, but lately I have been rethinking that. And I'm still thinking about it, no conclusions yet.

  2. I honestly thought for a long time there is a right way and a wrong way for ttwd and the only thing I have learned to be true is that you need at least two people in the relationship. One Dominate/disciplinarian and one submissive/disciplinee...(That's not a webster word but it works for me) The rest is up to the couple or more that are involved because, yes we are all unique and everyone's needs are different.

  3. Thoughtful post. Just doing the best we can is the goal and how we achieve that is up to each of us - no set pattern.

  4. There is no mold, there's only myth.
    If it works for the two of you, that's all you need to worry about.

    (Perhaps if we all started wearing this on a t-shirt...?)

    A point well worth repeating - thanks, Miz lil!

  5. Ok I've been up all night with puking kids and I could take a brick to my car if it keeps being disobedient with starting ....... kidding of course but bear in mind I WILL be back here tomorrow if I've somehow tempted fate :) !
    Ttwd, being new to it, being new to blogging about it, I would have to agree that the need to 'fit in' and 'doing it like everyone else is doing it' is very hard to resist. Now that I'm finding my way around blogland better, you see a slightly bigger picture. I've never been one for following a crowd either, I prefer making my own mind up and if anyone had ever felt 'different' or are a little bit of an 'underdog' - well experience tells me that these are the kind of people who can be most interesting to get to know. Different is good :)

    Dee x

  6. The only one who does it wrong is Blogger... on that we can probably all agree.
    The rest of us manage our lives as they suit us. How can that possibly be wrong? Oh that's right we judge ourselves constantly and find ourselves to be so.
    Ironically the rest of the world probably doesn't have the time...

  7. Bra and VO, lil.

    I've always thought this - that people who say things like "You're doing it wrong," are riding a little high up on their horses.

    It can't be wrong if it works for you.

    Unless there's illegal stuff going down and/or you're kept drugged up all the time so you don't know what the heck you're doing.

    Somehow I don't think folks like that (poor things) have blogs.

  8. What I've found in this little blogging community, is that we're all different and each of our TTWD relationships is different. There's no judgement. What works for two people may not be to someone else's liking, but we all respect each other and their choices. I don't think I've ever seen/read where someone mentioned we were doing it "wrong" Just another reason I love this community and love learning more about TTWD.

    Thank you for a very insightful post, Lil.

    Fondly. Skyv

  9. There is no right or way way to do things in TTWD. Don't feel a need to follow the crowd. The only important thing is that each couple do what works for them. But whatever you do, you can be sure someone else is doing it, too. As the book A Billion Wicked Thoughts points out, nobody has a fantasy that nobody else has. Anyway, the key is to enjoy what you are doing. If it works for you, don't worry about what anybody else does.


  10. faerie, doesn't really bother me either. And hey, if you are doing it backwards and it's working--full steam ahead to you!

    Lily, very true--two people, and exchange of power, and all the details fill themselves in according to the individual needs of a couple.

    sunnygirl, I think we all just do the est we can to make things work. Everyone creates their own pattern, and what beautiful patterns they are.

    Jz, t-shirts! Or a tattoo...You know, to accompany that "queen of everything" one lol.
    And yvw.

    Dee, Okay, so if fate has been tempted, I would like to absolve myself of all responsibility immediately lol. And I agree--different is good.

    mp, yesssss, blogger is constantly doing it wrong. Some days I almost feel special...And yea, if I don't judge myself, who else is going to? Someone's gotta get the job done lol.

    Conina, the thing about high horses is that it's a very long way to the ground lol.
    And I agree--those are the people we are likely never to hear from.

    Sky, you have hit upon one of the things I love about blogland specifically--judgement is not passed around like salt, and there's a lot of individual expression.

    FD, I haven't tried to "follow the crowd" since I was a teenager--it didn't work for me then and I have no intention of starting again now lol.
    And it's all been done?? That's almost disappointing...

  11. I am of the opinion that the only right way is the way that works for the indivduals involved and as long there happy and fulfilled thats all that matters.

    Sometimes its easy to take peoples comments to heart i know i have done at times, but ultimatley there is no right or wrong way when it comes to the alternative lifestyle.

    I have little tolerance for the "a sub/dominant should behave this way..." brigade it reeks of narrow mindness and ignorance....ok rant over.

  12. painspleasure, I think ignorant narrow mindedness sums it up pretty well.

  13. I'm new to blogging about TTWD, but have been lurking around the community for some time.
    Your statement in the comments hit's the nail right on the head!
    "two people, and exchange of power, and all the details fill themselves in according to the individual needs of a couple."

  14. DD, thank you. I try not to miss all the time lol.

  15. How introspective, I, too wonder of what I want, what he is capable of giving me, and whether I truly wish to test or explore those lines. I wish you the best. We each walk this journey, alone but hopefully with a partner, Master, Dom, Husband or whatever you call your mate. Words are words but it's the feelings that truly make it worthwhile.

  16. Molded By Him, feeling makes such a difference doesn't it.

  17. I agree with most of the others here. . it is right when it is right for you as a couple. . you ought to make up your own rules. . the only wrong thing is. . well when it is wrong for you.

  18. I used to worry/wonder about "doing it right" - and then through this community, I saw as many of you did that everyone does things a little bit differently. Now, I will take a peek at how others have done it, just for ideas, but it's not a manual. My Dirty Old Man and I figure things out together, and we're the only ones that put pen to paper in writing our relationship manual.


Play nice.