If you've been reading here for more than a few days, you know that I have issues sticking to just one background, or even maintaining a certain subject matter. It's no secret that I would rearrange the furniture all the time if it wasn't against the rules.
As usual, I'm getting sidetracked.
For some time, there were several pages at the top of the blog. They were part of the things that are really never changed.
I had a not so little identity crisis surrounding this whole submission thing, and really put some thought into the whole concept of being, "Fraud or flawed" (an interesting and thought provoking term that I cannot take credit for).
So down came the page titled Submission, because I never really meant to give anyone the impression that I thought I knew what I was talking about, and maybe I changed my mind about what submission was because I never knew what I was talking about to begin with. Then down came the page about Dominance because it didn't really say anything since I couldn't make up my mind what to write.
The About Me and Our Story pages...In all honesty, I get more traffic than the one person I have always imagined would be my only reader, and I felt that perhaps there was too much of our/my story in one easy read.
After our fight, I was 90% certain that the answer to my question of identity was fraud. Then we had some serious conversations, and he made me see how much I was really just holding us back from deeper explorations by being so tripped up on the basics.
It's one thing to say "I'm ready for more" it's another thing entirely to be required to prove it. And in that process of proving, I realized that I wasn't, yet I became so.
Reading that sentence, it sounds so innocuous...Yet, for me, it isn't--it seems like it should be printed across the sky in bright neon caps. Even if it doesn't seem to make sense...
In that process, my definitions and the labels that I apply to myself and my relationship began solidifying in a direction that I have known we were headed for some time.
Does it really matter whether I define myself as submissive or slave? Whether I define the parameters of our relationship as being Master and slave, or Dominant and submissive? In the grand scheme of things, probably not. They are merely places on the road in the journey of infinite possibility that is power exchange.
Yet...It does matter, because how I define us impacts my behavior and the way I view our relationship. If I think of myself as submissive, I also apply forms of thought that are not acceptable with the scope of a Master/slave oriented power exchange.
Looking back, while I would vehemently deny it and truly believe my own denials, there have been so many times in the past where I approached ttwd as a game. And it's one of the only things that really pisses him off. Because this is the way we live, not something we toy with and put away when it suits
He pointed out that it was impossible for us to move forward while I was still struggling with the basics. As much as his statement made me cringe, I have to admit that he has been true to his word--when I quit wallowing in the shallow end, things began changing rather drastically for the better.
Some of the missing pages will not return. Others will. My definitions and the way we live D/s are evolving, and so must they.