Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Missing Pages

I'm feeling a bit less whiny today. Something about being nice and warm and my terrible weakness for a man with a chainsaw, I suppose...

If you've been reading here for more than a few days, you know that I have issues sticking to just one background, or even maintaining a certain subject matter. It's no secret that I would rearrange the furniture all the time if it wasn't against the rules.
As usual, I'm getting sidetracked.

For some time, there were several pages at the top of the blog. They were part of the things that are really never changed.
I had a not so little identity crisis surrounding this whole submission thing, and really put some thought into the whole concept of being, "Fraud or flawed" (an interesting and thought provoking term that I cannot take credit for).
So down came the page titled Submission, because I never really meant to give anyone the impression that I thought I knew what I was talking about, and maybe I changed my mind about what submission was because I never knew what I was talking about to begin with. Then down came the page about Dominance because it didn't really say anything since I couldn't make up my mind what to write.
The About Me and Our Story pages...In all honesty, I get more traffic than the one person I have always  imagined would be my only reader, and I felt that perhaps there was too much of our/my story in one easy read.

After our fight, I was 90% certain that the answer to my question of identity was fraud. Then we had some serious conversations, and he made me see how much I was really just holding us back from deeper explorations by being so tripped up on the basics.
It's one thing to say "I'm ready for more" it's another thing entirely to be required to prove it. And in that process of proving, I realized that I wasn't, yet I became so.
Reading that sentence, it sounds so innocuous...Yet, for me, it isn't--it seems like it should be printed across the sky in bright neon caps. Even if it doesn't seem to make sense...

In that process, my definitions and the labels that I apply to myself and my relationship began solidifying in a direction that I have known we were headed for some time.
Does it really matter whether I define myself as submissive or slave? Whether I define the parameters of our relationship as being Master and slave, or Dominant and submissive? In the grand scheme of things, probably not. They are merely places on the road in the journey of infinite possibility that is power exchange.

Yet...It does matter, because how I define us impacts my behavior and the way I view our relationship. If I think of myself as submissive, I also apply forms of thought that are not acceptable with the scope of a Master/slave oriented power exchange.
Looking back, while I would vehemently deny it and truly believe my own denials, there have been so many times in the past where I approached ttwd as a game. And it's one of the only things that really pisses him off. Because this is the way we live, not something we toy with and put away when it suits me us.

He pointed out that it was impossible for us to move forward while I was still struggling with the basics. As much as his statement made me cringe, I have to admit that he has been true to his word--when I quit wallowing in the shallow end, things began changing rather drastically for the better.

Some of the missing pages will not return. Others will. My definitions and the way we live D/s are evolving, and so must they.


  1. I love rearranging! It's like getting a new room without spending money :)

    As for the rest of your post...
    I've actually been thinking a lot about what the difference is between M/s, D/s, and TTWD. There's so many facets which very with each relationship and, as you said, they evolve so who is to say someone is M/s, unless they consider themselves that?

    When my husband told me he wanted me to call him Master I was like no way! You are not a master and I am no slave and we are not living a M/s relationship, you don't call an apple an orange! It was the meaning behind the words I couldn't apply to our dynamic, not that I don't want M/s, it is just not what we have now. But, once I got over myself and with the help of another blogger, I realized the name was what he wanted, and that's exactly what this is about, doing as he wishing; it is a state of mind, not a category to put myself in. And I, reluctantly, admit that once the name was changed something changed in me as well, but that's besides the point. :)

    1. Misty,
      I knowright! I love rearranging, and it's strictly against the rules around here...That's probably why my blog has an identity crisis on a weekly basis lol.

      Calling them that feels awkward at first, doesn't it? I have been calling him that for years, but I wouldn't have said that meant we were M/s...

      I think that you got it exactly--we are what they define us as (I think I just took a pretty clear statement of yours and made it unnecessarily complicated lol). As long as we acknowledge and accept that, we are exactly what we are supposed to be...

      Reluctantly admit away! I far prefer making such admissions on other people's blogs. Call it a communications avoidance issue on my part...

  2. I notice the background changes, but never noticed the pages. What can I say.

    Sorry about the wood cutting, hard work and the stacking isn't easy either.

    1. sunnygirl,
      I once had a visitor say they had just found me, only to return later and announce that they had just gotten confused by the background lol.

      Stacking is like the ever elusive unicorn this year...But chopping it up....

  3. Labels can be useful. Very useful. Its how they are used and applied that can be complex. Personally, I do believe there is a difference between being "owned" and being a "bottom". A difference between "dom" and "top. Little differences between D/s and M/s (I still interchange those, depending on what feel I'm trying to convey)...having said that:

    If something isn't working for you or serving you, then it isn't useful and I believe definitions can evolve and change and be added to :o)

    Interesting comment about ttwd being a game: I've never thought of it that way and that thought gave me something to mull over.

    The wood cutting sounds like my version of hades. Maybe you will have a very, very, very, warm winter?

    1. Bleuame,

      I believe there is a difference in all those things too, so why I struggle with the concept at all is a bit silly perhaps...
      I have never felt like ttwd is a game, because for us it isn't. Though, I can see and have to acknowledge that there have been instances where I have treated it as such.

      You are exactly right about changing and evolving definitions!

      Getting wood is okay the first one or two trips...Then it gets colder, the body still hates me from the time before...We will certainly not freeze to death! Always a plus.
      We could pretend it wasn't my idea to get it ourselves this year...

  4. i have issues with labels that started long before TTWD. Being bisexual, having a family member who is gay, poly, etc. i don't feel like i (or anyone) should have to cookie cutter my life into something that is pre-defined. So what if my Dominate wants to be called Master but our relationship is more D/s than M/s?

    Do you have to be one or the other? Can you (the both of you) define your relationship in your own terms?

    1. scarlet,
      labels can be tricky, but also very useful sometimes (I like the way Bleuame put it).

      I would guess that many of us define ourselves as D/s, yet call him Master. I've been doing it for years--we call the one's in charge by whatever title they want and have earned.

      I don't think that one has to necessarily be one of the other, and often we are a bit of both. But I also think that one's overall approach is impacted by how one defines themselves, and that matters. To do so on one's own terms is fine, but if there are already understood and defined terms that work, why not go with them?

      I haven't had coffee yet...

  5. i love moving furniture. but when it comes to our D/s, i've stopped thinking. it gave me way too many headaches. I just think of it as fluid and accept that it can morph into different variations as the situation requires. at the end only one thing is constant - I respect BIKSS as my Dom / Daddy.

    1. Fondles,
      I do so adore moving furniture...

      I like the no thinking thing! Really wish I could pull it off for more than one day at a time...

  6. Hmm, reading this, maybe I am looking at it too simplistically, but it just seems to me that maybe it just took your head longer to accept what your heart already knew?

    1. geekie kittie,
      I think that you've got it exactly!

  7. I really like what Bleaume said, and cant really add anything more useful to that.

    On a personal note, its odd that when i first started out down this road i relished in calling myself slave but yet i had little understanding of what it meant....or rather what it meant to him.

    I think its a useful term to 'define' they type of relationship one is in, but other than that i dont dwell too much on the label itself, its how i behave (which sometimes is not as i should lol) that defines who/what i am not what im called.

    And behaviours need to be learned, through experience etc and as we experience we grow and better ourselves..pretty much i think as it is for the dominant...and sometimes it does seem like its 5 steps forward and 2 back..but yet its still progress isnt it?


    1. tori,
      I do think it's less about what we think it is, and more about what it means to them, and sometimes it takes a bit for us to realize that.

      5 steps forward and 2 steps back is certainly progress! It's those days I take 5 steps forward and 6 steps back, that get to me...

  8. Labels give me a headache - I think because so many of them apply to us in some ways and not so much in others. There sure is a lot of power in a name though - nothing takes me out of my 'submissive head' faster than when I'm in a situation where I have to use his real name or he uses mine.

    One of my first punishments was for treating TTWD like a game. Sometimes when I got mad at him, it was easy in the beginning for me to feel like we could go back to our 'normal marriage' (what we had before D/s). But he made it clear that this now was our 'normal marriage'.

    And I do miss your pages - your blog was the first one I found where the D/s came after you were married, and I remember how your story gave me so much hope. You've never seemed fraud or flawed to me -- just very honest and real.

    1. Aurora,
      Ooh, real names are never good! When he calls me by my actual name, it's much like when I use one of the kids full names--never a good sign for the one being named. Lol.

      It's tricky to adapt and change those set in ways of thinking and interacting, isn't it?

      Thank you Aurora. I really appreciate your kind words.
      You have given me much to think about regarding the pages. Perhaps the our story page should remain...

  9. I have been following the comments here, not something I normally do, and I have to say I am thoroughly confused LOL. I think I'm just going to be whatever it is that I am now, and maybe one day I can happily label myself... and if not, I'm sure, someone out there can do it for me :)

    1. Misty,
      LOL! That's awesome. Sounds like a perfect approach to me.


Play nice.