Friday, November 4, 2011

Love and ttwd

I started thinking about this after greengirl's comment on my last post. I was inspired to do some navel gazing today by a post she did at whatiwonder, which led to comments that inspired this post over at Aisha, and got me to put some more thought into how love and ttwd relate to each other.
Run-on sentences much?


I could not really submit if I didn't love Alpha. I would never be able to really let go if He didn't love me.

Well, I would submit. But I couldn't surrender.

Is love the same thing as submission? I don't think so. But I do think that submission can be an expression of love.
When you combine D/s and love there is a certain intimacy and passion. A connection deeper than skin. And it is like nothing else. For me, love is what makes ttwd what it is. It makes an experience that could otherwise be terribly scarring, and turns it into something so incredible that I cannot even find words for it.

In ttwd love opens doors that would otherwise stay closed to us. And there are some amazing experiences behind them.


In the spirit of complete randomness...

Somewhere along the line recently I became picky in my submission. I felt like I wanted Alpha to dominate me completely, but I wanted to choose when and how. 
Just award me the "worst brilliant submissive" award now.

D/s and sex are closely related in our relationship. And I've got some serious disconnect going on. Case in point, we watched porn last night and I wasn't turned on in the least little bit. Zip, zilch, nada, nothing, "can I just go to bed and pass out?"
Yet, unbeknownst to me, my body had a completely different reaction (we are not currently communicating well apparently).

And we need the expression of connection inherent in ttwd. I have learned enough to check back in and submit. That submission doesn't need to be a reaction. But sometimes I feel like I am separate from the act (I have totally given up on trying to make sense to anyone besides myself at this point lol).

Do I need Dominance to inspire my submission? Yes. I'm like an addict and I want my fix. But I also feel like that fix should come from submission itself--not necessarily just from dominance.
Being picky with submission doesn't work. That's not what it's about. If He was how I wanted Him to be all the time, and only did what I wanted, then it wouldn't really be D/s at all.

Edit: I love seeing a post take off and inspire posts on multiple blogs, so I thought I would add that sin has one up about D/s and love here. And sfp has one here.


  1. Thought provoking post. I think I understand what you mean :) I'm still struggling with saying the word submission never mind doing it but I have never in the past had any inclination to submit to ANYONE the way I would like to now. Saying this, I've never felt the dominance I feel now before either. Yeah... I know what I'm trying to say! :)

    Dee x

  2. I agree with you about how submission can be an expression of love. For me I couldn't submit to Chess if I didn't love him, especially in those moments when I do not want to submit, in those moments it is the biggest expression of love from me because I am submitting out of love not out of a desire to. If that makes sense, it seems rambly. Anyway, I think I get what you mean by feeling separate from the act. I can feel that way too, like my act of submission is just an act and it in no way is what I want to do but I'm submitting anyway because it is what I'm supposed to do and what I agreed to.

  3. and i really do understand the mind/body mind will say "oh, geez, not this again" and my body will be doing the 'let's have sex now''s that for not making sense?
    Yeah, i get it.

  4. I love your posts. :) While love is not necessary for submission I think it is vital for long term submission. A long time ago I tried submitting to someone without love and it slowly tore me appart inside because I couldn't help but develop feelings in the vulnerable moments and he saw our time a a fun workout.

  5. Can you expound a bit on how you're an "addict" and you need him to dominante in order for you to feel submissive? I think for a lot of subs it goes the other way. How does this work for you guys? Can you give specific instances?

  6. That makes complete sense lil, love enhances submission and yes even the Dominance side.


  7. Interesting thoughts you have. It reflects the gray area between love and submission. I believe the words submission, Dominance are use without them having any flex. But yet, the more D/s blogs I read, I see a lot of flex, between couples. That flex to me, is the gray area...

  8. lil,
    Your navel gazing is pretty damn profound. But i do think you nailed it - i don't know any other kind of relationship except the one i'm currently in - we had the love first, before we'd ever heard of D/s. But the D/s has brought and intimacy and a connection and an intensity we couldn't have imagined before. As far as the sex/body/mind thing - yea - i have a feeling a lot of us have been there too.

  9. Dee,
    I'm always glad to here I provoked thoughts.

    your rambling made perfect sense and I agree with you completely.

    gotta love the Tango eh? Though I really think that my mind should at least get a notice or something lol.

    Thank you and I think you make a valid point--a long term relationship needs some form of love to survive. That holds true for all relationships.

    Making me work for it today eh, lol.
    I had kind of a hard time with this post so I'm not sure how clear I will be but here goes.
    I feel a bit like an addict because I get a certain "fix" out of being Dominated. It puts me in that submissive place with no particular effort on my part. When life is crazy and I don't get as much Dominance from Alpha I crave it and start feeling unbalanced.

    I don't Have to have His Dominance to feel submissive, but it inspires my submission beyond what is there without the active Dominating on His part.
    It's much easier for me to stay in a submissive frame of mind if I get daily moments of Domination--being grabbed just for a moment, being reminded that I am His, doing something I don't really want to do just because He wants it, just generally being reminded of my role.
    And it's not absolutely nesessary, but it helps a lot.
    I'm not sure that all made much sense...

    Southern Sir,
    Nice to know I made sense!
    I know that some people feel like love ruins D/s. I guess it really just depends on what you are trying to achieve--a long term relationship or a D/s experience for the fun of it.

    I think the flex occurs partly because D/s is such an individual experience. What works without love for some will not work for others and vice-versa.

    Yes, it seems to solidify certain lines in our relationships that needed strengthening. A completion of the whole kind of thing maybe.

  10. And lil, you did indeed inspire me to write a blog so here it is!


Play nice.