Dreams and other ramblings

I had dreams last night. Lots of them. The only one I remember woke me up. Alpha was using me. In a very extreme sense of the word. And it was Him...But not...Older perhaps. When I opened my eyes, it took me a minute to get back to reality...To makes sure that the dark quiet of our room was the real world, and not the intense dream I had awoken from.

Last night was a little...Off. Not bad, just not....

I always wonder why, sometimes it seems like we are closer than skin, and other we are just...close. It's a difficult distinction to put into words. Perhaps it just has to do with the space I am in. Sometimes sex is just sex, and sometimes it's more intimate than words can describe.

I realized something as I was laying there musing silently about this. It is, as most of my realizations are, a bit of a leap from one thought process to the next lol. There is one word He says to me more than any other when we are in bed, and it's non of the logical choices--relax.

At some point He had asked me what was wrong. And in all honesty? I had no clue. Then He asked me why I was so scared. I was quick to inform Him that I wasn't. Hmm, I committed cardinal sin #1. It wasn't exactly true. I wasn't afraid...exactly. Well I was, but there was no logic or reason to it.

I was scared. Scared of letting go, need, lust, that lack of control over my own body's responses.
I was afraid of that overwhelming feeling of total and complete loss of self in the moment. And I wouldn't let it carry me away, take me to that place where we are so close because there is no me...Just us.

And it seems a bit silly, to want and need something so badly yet be so terrified and fight it so friggin much...

A lot of times, I work through things on my blog, and eventually they fade into the archives as lessons learned and experiences gone by. But this one? This one is far older than the blog, if previously unacknowledged. And it keeps resurfacing.

I think that's one of the biggest reasons why the word He says most is "relax."

Ice Queen Melting

Yea I know, two posts in one day is a bit over the top. What can I say--the house is clean lol.

It was easy being the ice queen.

She was cold and solid like stone

unattached to love, lust, sex, the place we call home.

It was easy

being alone in His company.

It meant there was a part of self that could always be free

would never need

passion

approval

control that was not her own.

It was easy being the Ice Queen
she could never beg
wouldn't be caught dead crawling on her knees
trying to please.

It was lonely out there in the cold
but a heart of ice fears the fire
that comes with these raging desires

He climbed inside my mind and reminded me
that "mine" lasts for all time.

That we can be closer than skin will allow
that a queen on her knees
owned and never sold
is as free as she can possibly be.

He chipped away at the walls
melted the ice around my soul that I was so sure kept me whole
He peeled away the layers of who I thought I was
and wanted to be.

Now I am the queen at His feet
the whore on her knees
come crawling
begging to please.

Rambling about change

For the first time in over a year, I puttered around at the computer and watched Alpha get ready to go to work. Yes, a real project with a close deadline and good pay. In the freezing rain. But He doesn't care about the fact that He'll probably be putting in 80 hours or more a week to get it done on time, or that He's working in the freezing rain...Because He's got work.

Me? I'm down to one week left at my job.

It's been good for us, this last incredibly difficult and broke year. He's taken care of me since I was 15 and I had begun to doubt what I could do, to wonder if I was capable of taking care of us, of accomplishing something outside of the house--Because I had never really done it before. But I did.

And He got the first real break He's had in 20 years. It gave Him a chance to focus on the garden, the kids, us, living as opposed to always working. And our D/s grew in leaps and bounds, we became closer, our relationship redefined itself again. It has been good but difficult. It has been challenging to my submission and our sanity.

Really though, He was made for the provider role. It fits Him like a glove and makes Him happy.

And me? Maybe I'll end back up at another temporary job, or maybe He will be able to keep working and I can muse about going back to school and doing something I actually enjoy.
Who knows. For today, I'm going to watch the rain, clean my house, make sure there's a hot dinner on the table, and work on a new idea.

Did I mention how sexy a man is when He's enthusiastically getting ready to go work in the freezing rain?

Beautiful Conundrum

It's a beautiful conundrum, being in love with a man who can look me in the eye and state sincerely, "I worship you."

Then turns around two minutes later and says dismissively, "get your ass in bed and start without me. I'm going to use you."

And He does. Roughly. Leaving no room for doubt in my mind--that I am His dirty little whore.

Adjustable Torture, or Bull nose nipple clamps--Eden Fantasys Review

I swore off nipple clamps of any kind after my last adventure into torment their realm. Of course, Alpha sees anything I decide is horrific as an opportunity to break down my walls and open up my nasty little boxes. So naturally, when He saw nipple clamps as an option for my next Eden Fantasys review, out of all the sex toys we were looking at, He thought they were the perfect choice.
My first objection was the fact that they are coated in latex, and having had horrible reactions to latex condoms, I was not to keen on them.

The thing is...I absolutely love these nipple clamps. I had no reaction to the latex and I like the fact that they can be evil, or not-so-evil.

Bull Nose Nipple Clamps

As usual, I think it's necessary to point out that Eden Fantasys uses very discreet packaging which is a huge plus for anything coming to your mailbox.

If you have a severe allergy to latex, I might be hesitant to try these, but I had no reaction to them at all. Much to my dismay, He attached them to my clit (mean I tell you, so mean). I was just waiting for the horrible reaction, but I didn't have one. Well, besides the whole "I will be any kind of filthy whore you want--please don't tighten them up any more!"

These clamps seem quite sturdy and so does the chain. It's not something delicate that you are afraid to yank on (unfortunately).
I'm a fan of easing into pain, and since these are adjustable, you can put them on and crank them down as time goes by (though anything that's cutting off circulation should only stay on for so long. At least that's what I'm always swearing to Alpha lol). The little screw thingies on the side are how you adjust them (yea, so I don't always have a way with words, so what), but they aren't as cumbersome as I thought they might be. And hey, if He's not paying enough attention to be able to tighten or loosen them I don't want Him doing mean things to me anyways lol.
Alpha has large hands, and He did say that He wished the handles were a little bit longer because they were difficult to get off in a hurry. Overall though, that was really our only complaint regarding these clamps

I don't know how well these would stay on if you had really large nipples, because I experimented with attaching them to different body parts (I had reached that space of being so far down where insanity kicks in and self-preservation becomes a lost skill), and the more fatty the tissue, the less grasp they had. I suppose if you have very small nipples, they might not have quite enough bite.
There was no problem with them coming off my nipples though, even when He decided it would be fun to yank my chain.

I'm quite happy with these nipple clamps and think that we will be using them regularly. They are reasonably priced and quite versatile. The serious pain sluts seem to be fond of the type of clamps I hate with a passion, so I don't know how happy they would be with these. Though like I said, they are very adjustable so I would think anyone could get their fix from them.
These would be especially great for the newbie or someone seeking to increase their pain tolerance because you have the option of making them more or less vicious.  

A page just for newbies?

In our early explorations of ttwd, I did a massive amount of reading--blogs, websites, anything I could lay my greedy little eyes on.


Much to my surprise, my crazy little blog eventually ended up listed on a couple of them.
The thing is, blogs come and go. And it's rarely the ones I have little interest in.
Yesterday, much to my dismay, I discovered that one of my favorites was no longer in existence (reading blogs is addictive ya know, some become part of the morning coffee ritual which should never be disturbed).

This got me to thinking about all that early reading I did, how greedy I was for information, how difficult it can be in the beginning to separate fantasy from the facts of reality, and how much complete crap is out there.
So I started thinking about creating a page on the blog just for newbies (my admitted fucked-upness and the fact that I'm always confused and questioning does not disqualify me from giving advice tyvm. Geez, free advice is worth what you pay for it after all lol).

Anyways, because ttwd is individual like the people who do it, needs for knowledge are different. What I needed to learn was different than what another will need, though there are some basic concepts that I think apply to everyone.

I rarely ask for input from my readers, probably because it saves me from the rudeness of disagreeing with advice I asked for lol; however, if there was one (or more, why not) thing you wish you could have discovered about ttwd before learning it the hard way, what would it have been?

Nothing I have read anywhere ever came near to substituting for the things I have learned from and with Alpha, but occasionally they have clarified my confusion or prompted thoughts that helped me to evolve as a submissive.

And I was so shy that first year, I never commented or asked questions, I just lurked around and hoped that I would find my answers in someone elses question. More often than not, my answers were waiting for me when I plucked up the courage to ask Alpha.

But still, for every great blog and website, there are fifty more that are not realistic and completely lack anything helpful for the new explorer.

So, if there was one (or more, why not) thing you wish you knew about ttwd before learning it the hard way, what would it be?

From Morning to Night

 Early morning:
"I want to shove my cock down your throat till you cry. It's been to long...." Note my self preserving respectful silence (I have learned that sometimes it's really best to treat Him like a wild animal--don't make eye contact, no sudden movement, don't breath to loud, etc).

Mid-morning
"You can't beat me into happiness!" I squealed making a hasty retreat towards the fridge. It was an unfortunate choice of direction--there is no hidden escape route around the milk and over the eggs. He knows it too. So of course, He continued to advance menacingly purposefully. Raising His eyebrows He said smugly, "are you quite sure about that?" As I neared His height gasping for air (He's almost a foot taller than me, it's really not physically possible...), I had to admit...Maybe He can.

The aforementioned activities usually turn the day around in a good way, however...

By afternoon:
He says the three words I never want to hear: "I'm scared too baby."
And I'm on the couch in tears wanting to crawl to Him and absolutely refusing to loose the inner war with myself and actually do it.

After bedtime:
He had promised me the riding crop...I squirmed and insisted it was quite alright if He didn't keep His promises. He dismissed my claims with a growl "But you will think less of me if I don't keep my word."
Smart man.
"No really, I won't think less of you at all, not this time, I promise!" He never did find the riding crop...But He settled for that damnable wooden spoon.


I was whipped, clamped, fucked to tears, called a filthy whore, and told how loved, amazing, and precious I am.


All in all, for it's mid-day mess, yesterday ended quite happily.