Sunday, September 11, 2011

Dreams and other ramblings

I had dreams last night. Lots of them. The only one I remember woke me up. Alpha was using me. In a very extreme sense of the word. And it was Him...But not...Older perhaps. When I opened my eyes, it took me a minute to get back to reality...To makes sure that the dark quiet of our room was the real world, and not the intense dream I had awoken from.

Last night was a little...Off. Not bad, just not....

I always wonder why, sometimes it seems like we are closer than skin, and other we are just...close. It's a difficult distinction to put into words. Perhaps it just has to do with the space I am in. Sometimes sex is just sex, and sometimes it's more intimate than words can describe.

I realized something as I was laying there musing silently about this. It is, as most of my realizations are, a bit of a leap from one thought process to the next lol. There is one word He says to me more than any other when we are in bed, and it's non of the logical choices--relax.

At some point He had asked me what was wrong. And in all honesty? I had no clue. Then He asked me why I was so scared. I was quick to inform Him that I wasn't. Hmm, I committed cardinal sin #1. It wasn't exactly true. I wasn't afraid...exactly. Well I was, but there was no logic or reason to it.

I was scared. Scared of letting go, need, lust, that lack of control over my own body's responses.
I was afraid of that overwhelming feeling of total and complete loss of self in the moment. And I wouldn't let it carry me away, take me to that place where we are so close because there is no me...Just us.

And it seems a bit silly, to want and need something so badly yet be so terrified and fight it so friggin much...

A lot of times, I work through things on my blog, and eventually they fade into the archives as lessons learned and experiences gone by. But this one? This one is far older than the blog, if previously unacknowledged. And it keeps resurfacing.

I think that's one of the biggest reasons why the word He says most is "relax."

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Play nice.