Nice?

The missed chiropractic appointment has caught up to me. It's back to vicious neck pain and searing headaches every day until Monday (this is just background whining, I swear).

Alpha cornered me in the kitchen and grabbed the back of my head, giving me the distinct impression that his greatest desire in the moment was to yank my head back and take a bite out of my jugular.
He proceeded to glare at me and say, "How come the times I really want to be 'nice' to you are when you're annoyingly incapacitated?"

Umm...
"It's not my fault that I'm cranky when my head hurts! You could be 'nice' when it doesn't hurt..."

He growled and wandered off in search of smaller and, (as far as I'm concerned) more deserving prey.

That's all I've got. Except that the little guy and I somehow now magically have the head and chest cold the big kid had.
And now I'm off to make lemon cake at six AM because it's my mom's birthday and she likes to ask for lemon meringue cake, which is the only cake I know that has to be made the day you eat it.
On the bright side, we won't get her sick! lol. She's already sick.

January is not nice.
Though I did hear a rumor that temperatures were supposed to rise above freezing this week! Oh wait...That was last week. Next week maybe?
Not a nice month at all lol.

Parenthood is Overrated...

A few days ago, I would have said that parenting is hell because the kids were giving me hell. Constantly. And my mother seems to think that one night a year is a reasonable reprieve.

The night before last? I would have told you that parenthood is hell because there's nothing else that can make a person worry the way that kids can.

I'm spoiled--my kids are, for the most part, ridiculously healthy. Especially the little one. He's got the immune system of a friggin dragon or something.
Which is why I was quite surprised to be woken up at midnight by him crying bloody murder because his head hurt, and had a fever of 104.
He proceeded to freak me out even more by taking a drastic trip away from coherence and deciding to start laughing nonsensically in the middle of crying.

I spent about an hour on sleep. Come the morning, I had to cancel my chiropractic appointment (something my body is quite unhappy with), and haul the little guy to urgent care.
Interestingly, in the way that kids do what they do, he actually looked alive as soon as we walked through the door. They sent us home with no clue because he had a notable lack of any other symptoms besides fever. So we hope that it quits reoccurring before Wednesday.

Yep, parenting is definitely fifty shades of hell.

Yielding to Realization

I have this teensy-weensy problem...
I equate yielding with quitting, giving up, throwing in the towel, lying down on the battlefield and dying, etc. You get the picture.
To many medieval books as a child or something lol.

While the tendency to hang on with bleeding fingernails and never give up, works pretty good on a chessboard, and has served me fairly well in life, it's not a great recipe for submission.
Real shocker right?

Something interesting happened when I made a conscious decision to yield. There was no immediate and obvious change in our relationship. There was a noticeable lack of fireworks and incredible displays of power exchange.
But...
There were also a notable lack of battles of will.

Alpha always said that he wanted my will to be his. That Dominance and submission meant nothing without free will. Specifically, my free will and the fact that I would offer it to him of my own accord. Not in token form, not in the way of "If I give this, then I will get that," but in the form of yielding all with a complete willingness with the desire to be nothing more or less than his.
The surrender of a strong will being far more of a conquest than anything taken in duress.

There were no fireworks, no earth shattering shakes of the foundation.
But I felt...Different.
And I realized that I would be willing to go as far as he would take us.
I realized that I was far more willing to go to extremes than I wanted to admit to him or myself.
I realized that I had become malleable, and craved the molding process.
I realized that submission led to yielding, and surrender was a product of that process.
And I realized that it felt good. It felt...Right.

I began to wonder if my willingness and occasional overwhelming need to swim in the deep end, made me a nightmare or a wet dream for him.
Truth be told, I think he's still trying to decide which one.

I surrendered my free will to him. Ultimately, that means yielding to however he chooses to use it, whether that's just a little, or quite a lot.
Though, I hate to think of the possibility of a perfectly good and stubborn will not being used to it's full potential...

Question: First session with Dom?

I got a question...

"I've arranged to have my first session, with my first dom. I'm scared and excited. I see him as a friend, someone I trust and feel safe around. But I can't understand why I'm so nervous. Will he care if I'm insecure? Will he care about my looks? Is it safe? Is there anything I should worried about in terms of my dom? Please share if you recollect your first experiences"
                                                 Anonymous

My first experience was with my husband after we had been together for a number of years, so I don't think it is really applicable to your situation.

My personal opinion is that what you should be worried about is very situation dependent. Like how well you know, the Dominant. If it's a passing familiarity, I think that it would be a good idea to set yourself up with a safe call just in case anything goes wrong.
I would also recommend having some negotiation about limits, what is acceptable, and what you are both looking for before you play.

Is it safe? I don't know. I can't answer that question for you, but the fact that you asked it makes me think that you haven't met face to face, and a safecall would be a very important safeguard to put into place. Make sure that person knows where you are, and let them know if your location changes.
But ultimately, you have to use your better judgement--If you have never met face to face before, meet in public. If it feels wrong--don't have the session.

Will he care about your looks? As long as you haven't portrayed yourself as something you're not, I doubt it is going to rank very high up on the list of importance. I have been called beautiful with eyeliner smeared to high heaven and tears rolling down my face lol.
I think that the vulnerability and submission is often ranked far higher than looks in these situations. For me, it is very much about the rawness that happens when superficial things become inconsequential.

I don't know if your insecurity will bother him. My first response would be, don't worry about your insecurities, the worry makes them worse.
I know that for a fact because insecurity is one thing I have down to a science.

I think the question about whether or not you should worry is really dependent on your situation and how well you know the Dom.
If you are friends and have known each other for a while, I would just try to go with it and not weigh yourself down with unnecessary concerns.

Having never been in a situation similar to yours, and not having had my morning coffee yet,  I'm not sure that this advice was very helpful...But I noticed the question was aging, and wanted to get to it before you had your session.

Show--Don't Tell

I don't have time to fight with Blogger before going to work, but I wanted to thank everyone who left such sweet comments on my last post--I appreciate your kind thoughts.

I had what I'm pretty sure was the most amazing sex of my life last night and I have no idea why...I mean, I felt it in my toes until I went to sleep. My toes!

But I'm not here to talk about that this morning. Maybe I'm still processing, or maybe my thoughts are needing to leave in the order received lol.

One of the things that all my English teachers preached, (besides that I have a consistent problem with comas) was show--don't tell.
One of the written words biggest drawbacks is also one of it's greatest beauties--you use just the right amount of description for the reader to form their own images. You don't "tell" until you are blue in the face. You "show", and the reader creates the rest in their own minds.

I don't think one can tell their Master they're ready for more. It has to be shown. Especially me. I tell him lots of things lol. And I'm usually right. Until it comes to me--my track record there isn't nearly as good.

I can't tell him I want more and balk at a simple command.
I can't tell him I'm ready to go deeper, then quiver when I look down.
My behavior and actions have to show that my words are more than ill-conceived thoughts.

He will do whatever he wants with me, whenever he wants to. It's how our dynamic works. But it only works well when I accept and surrender to that fact.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to do a lot less telling, and far more showing.

Did I mention that there was mind blowing sex last night?

Blogger and Other Bitches

For some reason, Blogger is being snarky about my attempts to respond to comments on my blog.
While I'm complaining about Blogger, does anyone have any ideas why I can't add blogs to follow from my dashboard? I mean, I can, but whenever I do, every other blog I follow vanishes until I remove the new one. It's rather irritating...

Oh right, comments...The bed is lovely, and I would probably live in it if I could. Ooh...I could do my reading there...See, I really could live there! If only I was allowed to have coffee in bed...

The first night, I changed my stance on the riding crop--maybe I didn't like it as much as I remembered. Though, by morning, I had reverted to my previous belief that is was my favorite implement.
Alpha says that I'm a fickle creature...I think it's my duty to disagree with that statement.

Anyways...I have been thinking again. Hazardous stuff to be sure.

We are somewhat limited by the reality of having children in the house 24/7, (I love my mother dearly, but I daresay that I would love her a bit more if she showed any interest in taking them both for the night more than once a year).
However, I feel like he doesn't push me. Now I know that doesn't sound so bad, but...

I have a few theories as to why that is. Of course I do. You wouldn't expect anything different here right?

One: He simply isn't interested in pushing things further.
Oh...I don't much like that one...But I have come to understand that a big part of submission is accepting that it will ultimately always take the form he chooses.

Two: He thinks I'm not ready for it and can't handle it.
Hmm, That might very well be true, but I don't think so...

How to phrase number three...
I'm willing to go too far? As in, further than he has interest in going, and therefore he deems it better to stay in the safety zone? That place where it isn't really necessary to actively curtail my activities and desires...

I'm not complaining...Oh fine, maybe a little bit. More correctly perhaps, I don't feel that I have a whole lot of right to complain.
I know that I have been a bit of a brat lately. You know, the kind of brat who's screaming for guidance and control, but doesn't make it easy for someone to exert those things.

Maybe it's because I feel like I have stalled out on growth in many aspects of my life, and I feel like D/s is a realistic area to expand...

Still I wonder...My comfort zone has expanded over the years, and when the comfort zone expands, stepping out of it becomes less and less simplistic, but more and more attractive...

Ooh La La...

We did something irresponsible...And it's awesome.

Anyone who has spent twelve years sleeping on a pillow-top mattress with a large man can tell you--it's great for the first few years. After 12 years? It's lumpy, you roll to the center, and you fold like a tortilla the instant you lie down. There's also this annoying recurrence of waking up feeling far worse than you did when you went to bed.

We bought a king size mattress. And it's awesome. Even if it wasn't the most financially responsible choice to make in mid-winter.
Okay--technically, we slept on the foldout couch last night so I still have no idea how glorious the mattress is. Something stupid in the instructions about letting it re-form for 24 hours...

But I know it's going to be wonderful. Not just the new mattress, but the fact that there's so much space on it! See, Alpha likes to sleep with his elbows out. He has long arms, and I often roll over and give myself a good blow in the side of the head. But now...

And...
The arrival of aforementioned mattress also meant doing some rearranging in the house, an activity that is not often allowed around here. So it's a win win!
In the process of rearranging, I found the riding crop that has been missing in action for months...

Ooh la la...

It is bedtime yet?