Through my eyes

I often wish that I could see myself through Your eyes--witness the beauty You behold, the strength You lean on, the whore You reach for. I wish I could see whatever it is in me that You find amazing, worth craving, what made You choose me out of the many you could have had.

And sometimes, sometimes I wish that You could see Yourself through my eyes. Because I see a brilliant man who can do anything He puts His mind to, who challenges what is humanly possible and walks out the other side victorious. When I look at you I don't just see a tall, well-built man, with eyes made for drowning in and a smile worth crawling for. I see strength to take shelter in, I see a man who has faced struggles many people cannot even conceive of and kept His faith in existence.

When I look at You I see the man who keeps my world turning. The man I love with all my heart and soul. The man who is worthy of being my Master.

And sometimes, I wish that You could see Yourself through my eyes. 

Inconvenient Inspiration

My best inspirations for blogging seem to come at two very inconvenient times--in the car on my way to work, or in bed right before passing out in a haze of submission. Neither one is conducive to my ability to retain and write about said inspirations lol.

Yesterday morning I felt like crap. Did not want to go to work in the least little bit. On my way out the door, Alpha grabbed me and pulled me in for one of those delicious hugs that make me want to remove my shoes, turn the car off, and settle back in for the day. "I want to shelter you and protect you and use you." Umm...."Now I really don't want to go!"

And I had lots of inspiration on my way to work. You know, those posts that practically write themselves and are perfect just the way they flow from mind to page...Can't remember any of them. Not one. Though, I work tomorrow, so recall should be great until I get back home lol.

Last night? Oh last night I was inspired as could be...At midnight dripping wet, used, incoherent, and tired to the bone. This morning? Ha, All I got is "I know I had something good dammit!"

I get one question after sex, hard use, abuse, love, whatever-the-fuck-you-wanna-call-it.
Yea, the man doles them out like chocolate to a PMS'ing fiend--keep me from going completely demonic, but always waiting for more.
And I was panicking again, about my illusions of being able to control my desires, my body's reactions, anything at all...He said "remember the realization you had about your parents when you were a kid, that the only thing that made you do what they said was you? It's kind of like that in reverse. You're not doing it just to please me any more." And then He went on to say something intelligent and confusing about control while I was busy drowning in my inability to be the least little bit coherent.

My body surrenders and my mind follows screaming insanely at it for the perceived betrayal. Then? My mind surrenders too.

My Place

Alpha doesn't like it when I get off track and can't seem to get back in my place. And I should have known I was headed for one of those funky "off" cycles. After all, I did have a bit of a breakthrough...Then I gave notice at my job and life got even more insane than usual.

He will let me wander a bit and wait for me to come around with gentle reminders. But it's hard for me to get back in my place. And He's taken it pretty easy on me since the accident (pain is apparently only fun if He is actively causing it. The whole "omg, something locked up and I can't turn my head" thing is a real downer for face fucking and a multitude of other crimes lol).

Alpha isn't happy when I'm not in my place. And truth be told, I'm not either. When I am secure in submission, held firmly by His Dominance, is when I am at my best. The most happy, stable, safe...complete. But for some reason it's difficult to get back to that place, the place where my submission comes before all other thoughts and actions, where our natural states consume us and we are simply Master and sub.

For a while He will softly summon me back. If that doesn't work? The rose He has extended grows thorns. And He makes me grab it, squeeze until there's nothing left in my mind besides Him, until the only pain that matters is the kind He causes, until every breath I take is His once again.

And I am back where I belong. At home in my place.

Does the Garden Grow

When I was growing up, my father's life revolved around the gardens. Not cute little gardens with flowers and water flowing abundantly--big gardens for food where flowers were only planted if they warded off bugs and every drop of water used was hauled from somewhere else.
Alpha grew a garden this year and now that He's going back to work for a little bit, I'll be the one taking care of it. And it's a lot of friggin work.

A garden is very much like D/s, or any relationship for that matter--they need constant care and upkeep, every plant has different needs, and if you stop tending to them they die. There are no substitutes for dedication and consistency, no shortcuts to a bountiful harvest, no such thing as a day off.

And the harvest is well worth the effort put into it.

Like watching relationships,you can tell a lot about someone by looking at their garden. You know if they value beauty or substance, or maybe a little bit of both. It's easy to see how hard they are willing to work at something and the care they put into the things they do.

Of course, you could also draw the conclusion that they are completely insane. What kind of maniac plants eight 30 foot rows of tomatoes and fills most of the remaining 20 rows with things that have to be watered twice a day??
Speaking of which...I'm an hour late getting out to water it.
Grumbles. The food is awesome, but the man that planted it all is a sadistic bastard.

Another Crazy August

August has turned into a crazy month for our family. Not just this August, every August lol. For one, there are three children under five who have birthdays within two weeks of each other (I have lobbied strongly for the week of Thanksgiving to officially be renamed abstinence week. Alpha denied that very reasonable request).

Tomorrow our youngest boy will be three. I get to start reminiscing about his birth days beforehand though since he took his sweet time arriving lol.

Yesterday I gave notice at my job. Those of you who have been reading for some time, will know that doing so is a pretty big deal for me. For one, because my client can be a real creep and I have wanted out of there for a very long time; for two, because we really need my job.
Alpha wanted me to quit and told me "I think it might be the right thing to do." Um, as opposed to He thinks it might be the wrong thing to do...The difference is...?
September 16 is set as my last day. Alpha has a small project lined up (not enough to make it through winter, but enough for me to take a couple months off and give one of us time to find something else).
It looks like the babysitting I so carefully lined up may have fallen through and Alpha will have to take his days off on the days I work to take care of the boys. It's a rotten schedule because we won't see each other at all since we will both be working crazy hours, but we can pull it off for a couple weeks.
Honestly? I'm torn between elation and complete panic. All last night I dreamed about frantically putting in job applications and not getting work lol.

Will the year ever come where I get shit wrapped early and don't have to wait till a kid is sound asleep and find myself wrapping things after ten PM?

A Cornucopia of Bad Ideas

 The kids were finally both asleep, and I really just wanted to join them in that ever elusive land of dreams. with deep respect and abounding hope, I informed Alpha that "some subs have a bedtime, and can mine be 8:00 please?" Ahem, He laughed at me.  "I'm barely even done working in the garden by then!" So I guess early bedtime was pushing it a little bit.
I'm quick on my feet so I made a counter offer, complete with batting eyelashes and protestations of how great it would be..."how about 9:00 then?" Sigh, He thinks I'm funny.

Apparently, I had not completely exhausted my cornucopia of bad ideas.

We had just gotten in bed and were curled up together all sweet, and warm, and comfy.
Then He tried to pull my nipple off...I'm going to blame the doctor who prescribed me muscle relaxers for what happened next. It must have relaxed that muscle I use to keep insane words from spewing out.

The mistake came as soon as I opened my mouth. In my defense, I was just glaring fiercely and He made me say it. "I'm sure you are doing it all wrong! You're supposed to ease into the pain shit!" Unfortunately, He still had a death grip on my nipple.

I apologized profusely. Within ten minutes I had said something smarmy funny again. Something about a ball not liking me and attempting to escape my attentions...By the time He was done laughing at me, I was pretty sure I had emptied that cornucopia of bad ideas. Though somehow I managed to pull a few more before sleep.

The whole affair ended with me biting back screams and gasping for air. I guess I count myself lucky it was from pleasure.

And I did get to keep the nipples. Which was nice.

On a completely unrelated note, is it possible to find a small functioning lock made out of sterling silver without browsing through 3,000 Google pages?

Evolutionary Issues

Evolution is a concept that has always fascinated me. Not in the biological sense of the word, more on a human and spiritual level. Evolution is a process of growth and development.

It is however, a process that is not always easy or pleasant to undergo.

In one way or another, I have always had issues surrounding my sexuality. And I have had some struggles with my kinks too. For some reason, the kinks are easier even though the two are deeply intertwined. Perhaps it's because I have been carrying my other issues for longer lol. Or maybe it is because of Alpha's acceptance of my kinks, or the fact that the kinks I get to experience are the ones He chooses to indulge.

It is possible to completely detach oneself from a situation. And it is also possible to be so immersed in a moment that the experience pours out of you for days.
I spent many years perfecting the former.

And that feeling of drowning in need, passion, sex, submission, pain, love...It is the very close to the opposite of what I have always been. Or at least, what I have always let be forefront in my personality.

The other night while I was panicking about my inability to control my own desires, He said "you're waking up little one." Matter of fact. Like an outside observer watching a long awaited process begin--and observer who never had a doubt as to the outcome.
Alpha is a patient man. But that patience is a give and take. Because when He's done being patient? It's gone, over, done, finished. And He has been patient for a very long time.