Attention Whore

Okay, so I figure I should probably be pretty attached to money because it buys food, keeps the lights on and the kids clothed. But really, I find that I hate it with a passion. I suppose if we had more of it, I probably wouldn't feel that way lol. I'm an attention whore and I admit that. Not so much of one that I am not realistic about the life needs of a family and His responsibilities for providing. Just enough of one to really resent the idea of M working basically two jobs if it's not totally necessary for survival. The kids have been on a rotten monster roll, the little one has been up and in our bed more than he sleeps in his own, we are contemplating huge life changes, and there's a load of shit to do all the way around. Mmmm, maybe I'm cracking under pressure, or contemplation of pressure as the case may be. I just know that it will raise the stress level a lot for both of us. Anyways, I got shit to do.

My Love

I was reading a blog post I found tonight, and it got me thinking. It was like reading a description of a moment between you and I. She is on her knees begging not to do something (never said what it was), and she's getting mad about it. He whips her and she starts crying but won't give in. He takes her and kisses her and pets her and tells her she doesn't have to do it, he just wants to see her do something she doesn't enjoy just because he told her to and wanted it. They did whatever it was...
Written communication is not working well for me tonight...Verbal would probably be even worse lol. Anyways, when we had that talk and you said I was your queen too, I realized that I wouldn't feel the way I do if things weren't like that with us. I love the way you make me feel, not just physically, in a way, I guess I just feel high on us. Our Dominant and submissive mix of tender and harsh, unyielding and give, pleasure and pain...Life really is meant to experience, and something about our perfect spectrum of opposites blows my mind...
It is okay to love me yet get off on seeing me in pain, it is okay to seek my opinion, yet also command me completely, It's okay to follow your dreams.
I am a queen, a whore, a pain slut, a masochist, your equal yet also your possession, scarred and naive. I am yours. I need more than anything in this world to be yours. And it is okay to play with me as you wish. We are, and exist, as we were meant to be baby, and as long as we don't forget us, everything will always be okay no matter where we go or what we are doing. This, us, you and me, that is my dream.

I love you

Dirt or Dreams?

Okay, so I was browsing BDSM stories yesterday, and I read a couple that left me feeling icky. Yea I know, if you don't like it, don't read it, right? Well, I guess it would be fair to say I skimmed them. Anyways, it got me to thinking about what is clean so to speak, and what gives me that icky feeling. At the end of one of the stories, the author had written that consensual BDSM with a sub who really wants it is more pure than with someone who does not really want it and is just obliging because they want to keep the relationship afloat. And I realized something that I already knew, but had not really solidified in my mind. While just reading some of the things that people do to other people made me feel funky, M could do any of that to me and it wouldn't make me feel the same because I trust Him absolutely and completely. Well, I also have faith that carving words into my body and sharing me with multiple men is not on his menue of desired activities lol. Anyways, I dunno, this was all running through my head in a very smooth and sensible manner and has not quite gone into writing as I had imagined. Dishes won't do themselves, so I had better get to gettin.

"Careful what you ask for little one."

So it really is true, we get what we ask for. Most of the time we just didn't put enough thought into that asking, key little things you know, like "I want a day without the kids," but naturally, we never think to add "without being sick, without drama, etc." So, inevitably, we get that day without the kids, or whatever it was we asked for, yet naturally we forgot to put out all the specifics so we are either sick, or the day just otherwise does not turn out how we imagined. I am beginning to be used to getting what I ask for with a nice dose of Murphy's Law on top. This thread of thought was inspired last night when M, with a sexy sadistic little twinkle, told me I had best be careful what I ask for because I will get it. So here's to hoping Murphy's Law takes it easy on me this time around. I just see no real reason for M to keep suppressing his desires purely to avoid damaging me. I think we have reached the point where it does more harm than good to us both for Him to do so. I can say this because I have faith in M and I know that, even if I find some of our experiences unpleasant (yea yea, the masochist squirming in the sadists playground, I am aware of the irony), he will always keep my well-being in mind.
I came to the conclusion that the meaning of life is to live the most vast range of experiences and emotions possible. Life is love, pain, laughter, joy, sadness, sex, magic, blood, pleasure... All to often we spend our days categorizing people and experiences into good or bad, doing anything we can to avoid submitting to the grey areas of experience that life throws our way. Pretending that life can be painted in a pretty picture of perfection. Doing whatever it takes to keep people from noticing that we are all whores, sadists, masochists, submissives, Dominants, and primal beings at heart. And so the human race continues to lie to itself every day. Thinking that we can wrap life up in a pretty little bow and pretend there's no blood, no pain, no passion in the dark reaches of our hearts.
I am
a whore
I am
a queen
I am
submissive
I am a
slave to another's desires
I am
tears in the dark
I am
that passionate spark
I am
human being being human
I am
damaged
I am
scarred
I have been washed clean,
seen to the very roots of my being,
I have
swam on the waves of Master's breath
I am a child of the Earth
until she calls me home to the dirt, I will continue to be nothing more and nothing less than simply
me.

All in a nights talk

Okay, most of the house is clean and my kids are off in the other room destroying the cleanliness.
I guess I can't refer to my husband as "Him" throughout the entire blog, so I'll call Him M. M and I had a good talk last night. Of course, I asked to talk and then clammed up like I had forgotten the English language altogether. He dragged it out of me anyways though lol. I expressed basically what I said in my last blog post, just far less eloquently. M said He's willing to delve a bit deeper, but He's afraid that He will break me. The eyebrow tweak at my mention of more psychological type Domination falls right in line with his statement about not wanting to break me. I guess I can understand it. M has the kind of energy and persona that has a way of bending even strangers to His will to a certain extent, and He has always been pretty careful not to really exert that on me. I think M might be afraid of losing His self control and doing serious physical or mental damage to me and that I will let Him. Which accounts for M's reluctance to further explore His obvious sadistic tendencies. While I appreciate that concern as an expression of how deeply M loves me, I have more faith in his ability to control Himself. I have watched Him develop an extreme amount of self-control over the years. Though honestly, I have no idea what it's like for M when I am in space and He's in control of everything. I get so carried away on the wave that I have no concern for my own safety or anything else in the world.
You know, there's a lot out there about D/s relationships leading to marriage, but not so much about bringing it into an established relationship. I have nothing to compare our relationship to, but I think the circumstances are very different for us than they are for people who start out their relationship in a D/s aspect. Funny thing is, without all the years we have spent together and the vast amount of love we have for eachother, I would be to terrified to even try.

Being is Confusion...

I think I live my life in a constant flux of confusion. I have tried to talk to Him, but I have a difficult time speaking clearly about my emotions and wants or needs. I just wish... I feel like a light switch someone keeps turning on and off. Some days I'm on, some days I'm off. I don't want to be allowed to be that way, and I can't control it myself. One month it's "tell me what to do, control me for your every whim, etc." the next it's "I don't want to, leave me alone." God I wish I wasn't like that. I can't stop! Having a toddler and zero privacy complicates everything so much. I just wish... I wish my actions had consequences, even if not at the moment I do something wrong, but consistent repercussions to faulty actions...Why do I crave punishment I would find terribly unpleasant to tell me I have done wrong? I love that He doesn't mind me being opinionated, I love that when I'm on my period He doesn't make demands. I love that I am still his queen, yet whore at the same time...but I don't know where the center balance is, or even if one exists. Maybe it's an impossibility of the laws of the Universe. I want to know without a shadow of a doubt that He means what He says and will do what He threatens. I want to be spoken to in a firm but kind manner while He releases His sadistic desires on my body.
I have told Him my kinkiest fantasies, yet somehow I could never spit out the subtle ones, the things I crave even more than physical Domination...the psychological aspects, are what I crave most, subtle exertions and reminders of his control. I know what He likes and I do things to please, making sure the house is clean, back rubs (though as sassy as I am about them it's a wonder He doesn't do awful things to me with ice every time I mouth off about it, I almost wish He did), but I don't know what He wants from Domination, or my submission I guess. I feel like I don't know how to please and there's no repercussions when I don't so maybe I don't please Him or it's not important...I have told Him He has the right to explore His sadistic side as much as He wishes, but He doesn't really. I don't know if that is due to the lack of privacy in our home, or perhaps a fear of losing control and truly damaging me, or maybe neither of the above. And somehow, as I sit here writing these words, I question my right to say them, to ask these questions, after all, this is not about my limits and what I want, it is about His and what He desires...but what are those wants and desires?
In the ultimate display of life's irony, the more I crave the less He notices, and the more He Dominates, the harder I fight Him...He says I don't want Him to ask, I want Him to "take" which is true in a way, but more than that I guess I want to be unlocked, to have submission so engraved in my mind that it's not about"taking" or "asking," that I know I Must, without the need for "taking" or "asking."
If anyone had asked me five years ago, if I wanted to be told whether or not I could wear underwear, have my email checked, be painfully punished for my past indiscretions and current shortfalls, not allowed to enter bed with clothing, to be told when to shower or shave, to know there were unpleasant repercussions to failing to do as I am told, etc. I would have said they were nuts with issues and go fuck off. I guess that's a big mind-fuck for him because I used to feel the exact opposite of how I do now and it's not fair of me to expect him to blindly flow with my 180 degree turns back and forth and it totally contradicts His Dominance. Most likely I'll be sitting here this time next month saying "I wish He would just lay off." In a way I hate that about myself and I wish that tendency could just be Dominated out of me or something.
Sigh* I'm not saying I want to be treated like shit, and my wants completely ignored.
I need to be protected.
To know that no matter what He chooses to do to me, I am still loved, still special.
I need to be nurtured.
I need to be loved.
I need to know He believes He has as much discipline as I think He does.
I want to reach the point where neither of us questions what is okay and what is not.
I need to be mentally controlled more than physically.
I need to be heard.
Do I want or need? Is it even my place to say...After all, it's not about what I want now is it.

Fear

I used to be absolutely terrified of submitting. As time goes by, my fear evolves. No longer afraid of submission, I often seem to find myself surrounded by fear of loss. For a long time I avoided giving myself completely to avoid the devastation that loss would cause me. Now that I can truly say "I am his, mind, body, and soul," I now must admit to the fear that accompanies this experience. I am having a hard time coping with the fact that there is a possibility that, one day, I may lose Him. I mean, we all die eventually right. Dunno why mortality has been on my mind so much lately, but I do know, that without Him, my Dominant, my Master, my Love, my Life, I am nothing. Perhaps it is unhealthy to so fully define oneself by another being, but He is so intricately entwined in mine now, that I could not possibly imagine living beyond him.
Each day I pray, that no matter how long we are for this earth, He will be here for long after I have gone. And I will wait for him there, as I have many times before, to be reborn into this passionate dance we call life.

How it all began...

Somehow, nothing was ever enough. Sweetness and kisses never brought me the pleasure I felt they should. Well, it's not to say that I don't find those things incredibly enjoyable, but they don't necessarily turn me on. For me, sex and intimacy was something to run from. Not that I was extra good at not giving it up, I just didn't like it. I felt dirty and damaged. I disassociated myself as soon as either was a prospect. I would lie in bed and pretend I wasn't there. Truth be told, I don't know where I went, but I wasn't home. Seven or so years, and one child later, my marriage began to disintegrate. I found myself online, in D/s rooms, interacting with Dominants. I thought about telling my husband, I don't know whether I kept it to myself because I was afraid he would find it repulsive, or because online just isn't real and I was afraid he would make it my reality. Perhaps both. Then again, I knew how angry he would be when he found out.
He was pissed. Our relationship already seemed to be circling the toilet and I thought we were over. We had always lacked a certain level of intimacy because of my tendencies to turn off. Lights on and no one home. I thought it would always be that way for me. I thought disassociation was a step in the right direction because it was just emptiness, not memories of the men who came before, leaving me damaged and dirty.
He had almost always been extremely gentle and caring with me. He knew of the experiences that left me scarred and tried to kiss them away. Yet they stayed. I doubt they ever really disappear, but something changed when we began exploring Dominance and submission. They began to fade. I wanted desperately to be Dominated, yet lived in fear of it as a reality and I struggled deeply with conflicting beliefs. To a certain extent, I still do. How could I, someone who had been raped and abused, want to be Dominated, whipped, controlled, owned, how was that okay? And then something odd began happening... I no longer dreaded intimacy, I began looking forward to his arrival home once again, but even more so now.
I had spent years repressing any thoughts of desire, while he constantly repressed his Dominant tendencies in a desperate effort to keep our love and life together. I had squashed the masochist in me, the fantasies that were to dirty to share, locked up a part of my being where I thought not even he could reach.
We decided to explore this thing people call D/s and see where it led. Life has never been the same since. I got pregnant with our second child not long after. It was difficult because we had just really began exploring, and so much of what we did was not compatible with pregnancy. It is still difficult having a toddler around and continuing the journey, but it is not a path I would wish to leave behind.
Being owned, mind, body, and soul, completes me and makes me whole. In a way, the Dominant sadist in him, has washed clean the submissive masochist in me. This may sound backwards, but being owned has set me free in ways that nothing else ever could. It has removed the quandaries of right and wrong and left only the experience of being. It gives me a chance to step away from all the things I have to control in daily life, and gives him complete control over some aspect of life. It has taught me that really living once is worth a million years of existing in the fog that so many of us call our reality.