Somehow, nothing was ever enough. Sweetness and kisses never brought me the pleasure I felt they should. Well, it's not to say that I don't find those things incredibly enjoyable, but they don't necessarily turn me on. For me, sex and intimacy was something to run from. Not that I was extra good at not giving it up, I just didn't like it. I felt dirty and damaged. I disassociated myself as soon as either was a prospect. I would lie in bed and pretend I wasn't there. Truth be told, I don't know where I went, but I wasn't home. Seven or so years, and one child later, my marriage began to disintegrate. I found myself online, in D/s rooms, interacting with Dominants. I thought about telling my husband, I don't know whether I kept it to myself because I was afraid he would find it repulsive, or because online just isn't real and I was afraid he would make it my reality. Perhaps both. Then again, I knew how angry he would be when he found out.
He was pissed. Our relationship already seemed to be circling the toilet and I thought we were over. We had always lacked a certain level of intimacy because of my tendencies to turn off. Lights on and no one home. I thought it would always be that way for me. I thought disassociation was a step in the right direction because it was just emptiness, not memories of the men who came before, leaving me damaged and dirty.
He had almost always been extremely gentle and caring with me. He knew of the experiences that left me scarred and tried to kiss them away. Yet they stayed. I doubt they ever really disappear, but something changed when we began exploring Dominance and submission. They began to fade. I wanted desperately to be Dominated, yet lived in fear of it as a reality and I struggled deeply with conflicting beliefs. To a certain extent, I still do. How could I, someone who had been raped and abused, want to be Dominated, whipped, controlled, owned, how was that okay? And then something odd began happening... I no longer dreaded intimacy, I began looking forward to his arrival home once again, but even more so now.
I had spent years repressing any thoughts of desire, while he constantly repressed his Dominant tendencies in a desperate effort to keep our love and life together. I had squashed the masochist in me, the fantasies that were to dirty to share, locked up a part of my being where I thought not even he could reach.
We decided to explore this thing people call D/s and see where it led. Life has never been the same since. I got pregnant with our second child not long after. It was difficult because we had just really began exploring, and so much of what we did was not compatible with pregnancy. It is still difficult having a toddler around and continuing the journey, but it is not a path I would wish to leave behind.
Being owned, mind, body, and soul, completes me and makes me whole. In a way, the Dominant sadist in him, has washed clean the submissive masochist in me. This may sound backwards, but being owned has set me free in ways that nothing else ever could. It has removed the quandaries of right and wrong and left only the experience of being. It gives me a chance to step away from all the things I have to control in daily life, and gives him complete control over some aspect of life. It has taught me that really living once is worth a million years of existing in the fog that so many of us call our reality.