Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Being is Confusion...

I think I live my life in a constant flux of confusion. I have tried to talk to Him, but I have a difficult time speaking clearly about my emotions and wants or needs. I just wish... I feel like a light switch someone keeps turning on and off. Some days I'm on, some days I'm off. I don't want to be allowed to be that way, and I can't control it myself. One month it's "tell me what to do, control me for your every whim, etc." the next it's "I don't want to, leave me alone." God I wish I wasn't like that. I can't stop! Having a toddler and zero privacy complicates everything so much. I just wish... I wish my actions had consequences, even if not at the moment I do something wrong, but consistent repercussions to faulty actions...Why do I crave punishment I would find terribly unpleasant to tell me I have done wrong? I love that He doesn't mind me being opinionated, I love that when I'm on my period He doesn't make demands. I love that I am still his queen, yet whore at the same time...but I don't know where the center balance is, or even if one exists. Maybe it's an impossibility of the laws of the Universe. I want to know without a shadow of a doubt that He means what He says and will do what He threatens. I want to be spoken to in a firm but kind manner while He releases His sadistic desires on my body.
I have told Him my kinkiest fantasies, yet somehow I could never spit out the subtle ones, the things I crave even more than physical Domination...the psychological aspects, are what I crave most, subtle exertions and reminders of his control. I know what He likes and I do things to please, making sure the house is clean, back rubs (though as sassy as I am about them it's a wonder He doesn't do awful things to me with ice every time I mouth off about it, I almost wish He did), but I don't know what He wants from Domination, or my submission I guess. I feel like I don't know how to please and there's no repercussions when I don't so maybe I don't please Him or it's not important...I have told Him He has the right to explore His sadistic side as much as He wishes, but He doesn't really. I don't know if that is due to the lack of privacy in our home, or perhaps a fear of losing control and truly damaging me, or maybe neither of the above. And somehow, as I sit here writing these words, I question my right to say them, to ask these questions, after all, this is not about my limits and what I want, it is about His and what He desires...but what are those wants and desires?
In the ultimate display of life's irony, the more I crave the less He notices, and the more He Dominates, the harder I fight Him...He says I don't want Him to ask, I want Him to "take" which is true in a way, but more than that I guess I want to be unlocked, to have submission so engraved in my mind that it's not about"taking" or "asking," that I know I Must, without the need for "taking" or "asking."
If anyone had asked me five years ago, if I wanted to be told whether or not I could wear underwear, have my email checked, be painfully punished for my past indiscretions and current shortfalls, not allowed to enter bed with clothing, to be told when to shower or shave, to know there were unpleasant repercussions to failing to do as I am told, etc. I would have said they were nuts with issues and go fuck off. I guess that's a big mind-fuck for him because I used to feel the exact opposite of how I do now and it's not fair of me to expect him to blindly flow with my 180 degree turns back and forth and it totally contradicts His Dominance. Most likely I'll be sitting here this time next month saying "I wish He would just lay off." In a way I hate that about myself and I wish that tendency could just be Dominated out of me or something.
Sigh* I'm not saying I want to be treated like shit, and my wants completely ignored.
I need to be protected.
To know that no matter what He chooses to do to me, I am still loved, still special.
I need to be nurtured.
I need to be loved.
I need to know He believes He has as much discipline as I think He does.
I want to reach the point where neither of us questions what is okay and what is not.
I need to be mentally controlled more than physically.
I need to be heard.
Do I want or need? Is it even my place to say...After all, it's not about what I want now is it.

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Play nice.