Musings on Life and Love

This started out as a comment over at Misty's place, but it got ridiculously long and went way too far off topic...I'm pretty sure that I have already used this title at some point, and my images were exceeding uncooperative, but I have other things to do today that are not nearly as interesting as musing about philosophical concepts...

The other day, I was thinking about something in the general vein of being afraid of need and something being too good to be true...Only, unlike her posted thought process, mine sounds way stupid in print.

Around the time that I met Alpha, I made a conscious decision not to ever fall in love. Now, I suppose that doesn't sound so bad until you tie in my reasoning--I wasn't afraid. I wasn't afraid of life's tragedies, of the things I couldn't control, of losing anything or everything, and most of all, I was completely unafraid of death. However, I was afraid that love would change that--love would create need and dependence. So, since being in love was obviously the most terrible of Achilles heels, I was determined to never actually feel it.
For a while, it worked. And it was terribly heartbreakingly unfair to him. I decided that maybe it was better to give in to the thing that brought me so many fears, instead of letting my life revolve around fear of those things. And regardless of whether or not I actually deserved him, for some inexplicable (to me) reason, he had chosen me.

In retrospect, I was right, of course (couldn't resist and opportunity to say I was right. Clearly). I am now ridiculously afraid of losing him, of death and any such journey that either of us must inevitably take without the other.

Yet...Which is really worse--to deny oneself the feeling of actually being alive that comes with needing something so overwhelmingly much from someone and never actually allowing oneself to feel the need and looking back on life only to realize that we never truly allowed ourselves to LIVE because we were too afraid to do so?

Or knowing that it was glorious and beautiful and it hurt unimaginably badly and we bled for it, cried for it, gave it our all until our existence was merely the dust of that feeling and we flew through the stars; even knowing that eventually the landing would crush our hearts? Because it will, of course. Nothing we know, love, or experience will last forever as we know it. Nobody lives forever, and nothing is immune from the sands of time. But the trick, I think, is to really be alive. It is better to crash into dust like a flaming star across the sky than it is to skate carefully to one's end--because one would have spent too much time dead already.

Anyways, who's to say that what we see as the end is not really just the most terrifying and beautiful beginning, something so vast and beyond our thought processes that we simply cannot comprehend it until we become it...?

Above all my fears so vast, this...

Questions of Vacation, Music, and Implements

From Roz, "If you could vacation anywhere, where would it be? What is your favorite music? What is your favorite implement"

Ooh, anywhere...Suddenly, I can't decide!

At this point, I'd say back home. In the grand scheme of things, that seems a bit too lame, even for me! So, I'm going to stick with Wales because that one's been on my list forever.

Favorite music...My favorite music tends to change with my mood...Some days I like rap, some days I like classic rock, other days Celtic music or folksy stuff...Really pretty much just depends on how I'm feeling at the time!

Implements...I have to say, the riding crop. Of course, I'm prone to changing my mind mid-use, but that applies to all implements (wuss here). I don't like thuddy things, or extra stingy things. I feel like the riding crop falls right in the middle...

Questions of Kink and Munches

This round comes from tori:
1) is there anything kink or even non-kink wise that you would like to explore that Alpha has no interest in?

2) Would you like to go to any kinky clubs or munches, why? or have you been to any and if so experiences?

So this is a little difficult because I tend to use his okay as justification for the kinks that I find attractive--if he likes it, I can justify it to myself as being okay. If he doesn't like it, I dismiss it until the idea no longer holds interest for me. If that makes any sense...

I would like to check out kinky clubs or munches. I've never had any face-to-face interaction (that I am aware of anyways, lol) with people who have relationships like ours, and I think that it would be an interesting experience. You know, just to physically be around people who live like we do, and have it be openly accepted...
This is maybe one of those areas where I have more interest than him. Though, I'm not sure that's accurate...Where we were before, there just wasn't really any opportunity that didn't have to be traveled to. Now, his job makes keeping this part of our lives to ourselves private pretty important, and there's nothing quite like opening announcing it to a group of strangers to make a person feel like their secrets are going to get hung out to dry.

I feel like I didn't really do these questions justice...It's  bit difficult to get into the kinky mindset these days--he's working 80 hours a week, and I have somehow once again found myself rewriting operations manuals which are larger than the average book--we're both drowning a bit at the moment...

A Question of Favorite Dishes

Courtesy of his slut (with a chime in from Jz for recipes), "What is your favorite dish to cook? What is your favorite dish to bake? What is Alpha's favorite meal that you cook?"

Oh geez, I'm not a huge fan of cooking these days. I'm still learning how to use the electric range and the results are...Less than stellar lol. Couple that with the drastic change in elevation, and it's like learning to cook all over again! My fool-proof recipes are not so fool proof anymore.

At the moment, I have no favorite dishes to cook--if it's not moving on the plate, and is edible, I'm down with that.Terrible, isn't it?

My favorite dish to bake is chocolate ream pie. While I'm not sure that it technically qualifies as a "dish", deserts are the only thing I really tend to bake. The recipe can be found here.

Alpha's favorite meal that I cook is bacon wrapped shrimp drenched in cream sauce and piled on steak. If' I'm feeling rich, he likes the cream sauce with crab in it.

Keep in mind that this is one of those things fibbed up in my kitchen upon request, so it's not an exact science by any means.

Recipe:
Large shrimp (raw) prawns are best, but definitely more pricey.
Bacon (raw)
Crab
Heavy cream
Butter
Garlic (as much as you want. If you use too much, it does overpower the crab though)
Small amount of flour
Flank steak to pour everything on top of

Directions:
Wrap the shrimp in bacon and run a toothpick through to keep from coming unwrapped. Saute until bacon is cooked through, turning occasionally. While that's cooking, I sear up the steak until cooked (I like mine bleeding, he prefers his a little more well done). For the cream sauce, melt butter with minced garlic, add a bit of flour and whisk for about a minute (easy on the flour, if you use to much, it comes out like gravy. You can always add more if you need to, but it's best a bit on the runny side and the cream is pretty thick). Pour in the cream and whisk until smooth and just below simmering. Add crab and heat until done, avoiding bringing it to a boil.
Put your steak on a plate, toss your bacon wrapped shrimp on top, and drown in cream sauce.

A Question of Where, Why, and the Bucket List

Made it to abby, who asked: "If you had to move, but you could choose where...where would it be..why?
Name e things in your bucket list..one of them has to be kink related."

Finally, an easy one!

I'd move back home. In a heartbeat. Specifically, one county over because that is where I have always dreamed of living (far reaching desires, I know). Of course, if we were to move right now, we'd be totally screwed, but this is a wish list!
Because...Those mountains are in my soul. The one place on earth where you could drop me on my own and I could always find my way home, miles upon miles familiar as the back of my hand...The sound of the wind, the smell of wet dirt, the rustle of tree branches, that one stupid cricket that just won't shut up when you're trying to sleep...
My mother.
And the people. The one's who ran away from the world and hid from the terrible madness beyond the borders of their own personal making.
And the awesome crazy ones who think that they can fend off the oil wells, the massive developments,  and the industries; forever keeping the outside world at bay.
The people who don't care about social status and all think that they can change the world by passing down stories of how things used to be, by being different, or creating a stupid painting, or growing your own food, or writing poetry that makes you cry and tears at your soul...
The teachers who stop to skin elk, threaten to beat their students with poorly written papers, who stop to say hello to their forty year old former students in the grocery store; with their stories and tales old enough to finally tell.
The misfits with their ideals and broken reasoning...
Yes, if I could move anywhere, I would go back home.

Here is where things get tricky. Is it lame of me to admit that I don't actually have a bucket list?

I am going to assume that "e things" is supposed to be three, but I do feel that I have a little leeway there and have every intention of quickly backpedaling and deciding that it's actually one if I get stuck (yes, I am willing to ignore the sentence's plural connotation in the interests of laziness or writer's block). Sound fair?

So...

Go to Wales. I have always been fascinated by it, even though Alpha seems to think that there are far more temperate places to find interesting!
See my kids do something awesome with their lives. I know this probably isn't the kind of thing that people think of when they think "bucket list", but if I get to see them do something wonderful with their lives, I will know that I did a good job with them and that my contributions to the world have exceeded those of my own life's accomplishments.
Kinky bucket list items...Hm...
Well...There go those damn crickets again!
Okay, I'm going to go with have sex in a public restroom. There are a few logistics issues with this one, which go beyond the obvious considerations. Mainly that I feel like I would have to clean and disinfect said bathroom before such an act, and that's a real mood killer...

A Question of Giving Up Something Meaningful

On to ancilla_ksst, and her tricky question: "If you had to choose to give up one thing which is meaningful to you, what would it be? It has to be a good thing, no fair choosing to give up hangnails and the like."

Dammit! Here I was all ready to give up migraines and under-eye bags. Sheesh--so unreasonable. What if I said that those things are very meaningful to me and we ignore the fact that said meaning revolves around hatred? No go huh...

When I think about this question, I get stuck on all of the things I gave up to move here--the mountain, the community, the feeling of belonging, our funky little house, and all of those glorious stars in the night sky.
I guess that maybe there's not really anything else meaningful to me that I'm willing to give up because all I have left is Alpha and our boys.

I suppose that what I'm trying to say, is that I feel like I have recently given up everything which is meaningful to me that I am willing to give up, and I don't feel like I have a whole lot left to throw into the pot...

So, what's left? Music, books, and my collar (I will probably think of some way better choices as soon as I hit the publish button). Since I would probably seriously consider throwing myself into a fire to rescue books, (good ones anyways), and I have already pretty much been forced to give up the collar since the headaches have gotten so bad, I have to choose music. That sucks, because music is awesome food for the soul!

*Surreptitiously cranks up the volume*

A Question of Famous Friends

Courtesy of Jz, "If you could pick someone famous, living or dead, for a friend, who would it be? And why?"

Dammit, this one is hard too!

Um...I really don't pay enough attention to famous people. A fact which is becoming quite clear because it's taking me days to write this post.

Alright, after much stressful musing, (because that's the normal response to a light-hearted question, right?) I have to say that I would pick the 14th Dalai Lama. Now, this may seem like an odd choice for someone as prone to cynicism as myself, but I remember being fascinated by him as a child, and I have always felt that he is one of those truly amazing beings that the earth is blessed to have.

See? He wouldn't even mind my bouts of temper!

It's amazing, right? The concept of a being willing to come back time and again with the sole purpose of serving humanity, a being who has witnessed so much destruction and suffering perpetrated upon humanity by fellow humans over the course of multiple lifetimes, yet still truly feels and expresses so much joy and wonder...

His philosophies, his ideals, his understanding of humanity, are so in depth, yet still...Still somehow he sees the beauty and the wonder while managing to acknowledge all of the ugliness in a way that is truly without dislike or hatred.
 
 There are very few people in the world that are truly inspiring beings--in their words, beliefs, who they are and how they interact with the world around them. I find him to be one of them. And we all know how I love a good dose of inspiration.

A Question of Specifics in the Ultimate Sexual Fantasy

Sub hub in phx asked, "What are some of the specific things that you would include in your ultimate sexual fantasy?"

Ack. Nothing against the questioner, but I hate this question.

This is probably a pretty accurate picture of my face when I read it:

Yep that's me. The dog, not the fish.

Um...

*Watches the grass grow while crickets chirp uncomfortably*

These days, my ultimate sexual fantasy can pretty much be summed up by saying having the actual desire for sex, being alone with him for an entire night, and not having a headache. It's a lot to ask, I know.

But that wasn't really what you wanted to hear, was it?

Lets see how vague of answer is possible for such a specific question, shall we? Yes, let's. Lol.

Well...There would be humiliation. And control. Lots of control. There would be more than one man, and I would serve at Alpha's demand because that's what makes the fantasy attractive to me, what makes it somewhat acceptable in the recesses of my mind.
For me, his control is the only truly specific part of this fantasy. The situation is entirely controlled by him and continues through only at his direction. I am willing to acknowledge that this is due, in no small part, to the fact that him controlling every aspect in this fantasy is what makes me even remotely  okay with having it in the first place. There is, however, no denying the turn-on of the particular setting of this fantasy.

Of course, it's always worth remembering that the glorious thing about fantasies is that it doesn't really matter if one could actually cope with them in reality--that's why we call them fantasies.

So there you have it, "some" details!

Next up: Famous person I would like to be friends with...In which I admit that I failed to answer the question. It's sure to be a winner of a post!

Five Years Already?

I know that I have a pile of questions waiting patiently for me, (not like they have much of an option) but I made the mistake of saying that I would answer them in the order received. The first one is difficult for me, and the second one...For the life of me, I can't think of any famous people I'd want to be friends with. Dammit!
It doesn't help that I was not sick for all of three days out of the last three weeks, and now it's back again. It was an awesome three days! Meh.

Anyways...

On March 8th, 2010, I sat down and wrote my first ever blog post. That seems so very long ago...In the grand scheme of things, five years goes by in the blink of an eye...

I always feel like I should have some great commemoration post that is all insightful and shit. Yea...Never happens. I'm pretty sure I had the plague this time last year too.

My life has changed drastically over the course of the last year, and while I would like to say that the blog has remained the same, the changes are reflected here in long spans of quiet often broken only by considerable angst.
Despite my overall quietness in Blogland lately, and the overwhelming life changes reflected here, it does seem like the one constant in a continually changing world. And I am grateful for that. For this place. For the people who stick with me despite the overwhelming amounts of drivel that I have been known to spew on a semi-regular basis.

A Question of Subspace

Thanks to everyone for their responses to my plea for March queries! They should keep me busy for a while. Though, the month is long, so there's no need to stop asking now...

I am going to answer questions in the order received with possibly a couple of detours to watch the butterflies here and there ('cuz I'm good like that. Or short attention span. Whatever).

Collared Mom asked, "What, if anything, helps you get/stay in subspace?"

Because I'm so good at over-complicating things, I am going to clarify my definition of subspace (because, why simple?)

Subspace is a place that I don't think of as being desirable to stay in beyond whatever interaction induced it (though it does tend not to just disappear on cue). It's not a generally submissive feeling--more of a drugged sensation in which normal functioning is not even conceivable.

Honestly, it's been a while since I was in subspace--too much on my mind all the time. Ironically, it is about the only thing that is ever guaranteed to shut my brain up, but I digress...

Pain. Pain gets me into subspace. Now, to be clear, I don't actually like pain all that much. In fact, I'm a bit of a wimp, but it does tend to do the trick quite nicely. Though, of course, there is the little issue that pain becomes markedly more appealing from the depths of subspace...
Being pissed on. While I don't object to this one as much as I object to pain, it often has a way of taking me down quite well.
Talking. Now, this one doesn't really accomplish the goal all on its own, but...Him telling me what he's going to do to me, that I am his, etc. And then there are those terrible times when he makes me talk to. I hate it. With a passion. But...There is something about admitting/acknowledging certain things out loud, which has a way of helping my brain go to mush.
The oft dreaded enema. I feel the need not to expound on this one. Lol.
Sex. Sometimes sex gets me there. But only good choking, slapping kinky sex. The annoying thing is, I only really enjoy sex when I'm in subspace, so this one is a bit of a catch twenty-two for me.
Really, a combination of all the above seems to work the best. Sometimes it takes a lot to get there.

As to the issue of staying in subspace, it takes me so much to get there, that my struggle usually comes in crawling out of it to resume normal functioning. I think that perhaps the trick to staying there comes in going so far down that prematurely snapping out of it isn't even an option...?

As a side note...The keys on my laptop have gone completely haywire, so if I'm missing an abnormal amount of t's, the occasional c, and other random letters, please know that I have not completely lost my ability to to form semi-coherent sentences. Lol.

Questions and Answers

Today marks the start of Q&A month here in Blogland. It also marks the end of another trip around the sun for me (or, if you are prone to optimism, the start of a new one).

Lets focus on the important stuff though, shall we?

Question and answer month is loads of fun, and I always enjoy participating, especially if I have been low on blogging fodder, as has been the case lately.

So...I welcome all questions, but much like your insurance company, I can guarantee no satisfactory answers.

How it works: Ask a question in the comments, or by email if you prefer, (or leave me an answer, I'm not terribly picky) and I will endeavor to answer each question individually in blog posts.

It's been a long time since I felt like I had the answers to anything, so help me out here people--give me a chance to feel like I have at least some of the answers to some things!