Sunday, March 29, 2015

Musings on Life and Love

This started out as a comment over at Misty's place, but it got ridiculously long and went way too far off topic...I'm pretty sure that I have already used this title at some point, and my images were exceeding uncooperative, but I have other things to do today that are not nearly as interesting as musing about philosophical concepts...

The other day, I was thinking about something in the general vein of being afraid of need and something being too good to be true...Only, unlike her posted thought process, mine sounds way stupid in print.

Around the time that I met Alpha, I made a conscious decision not to ever fall in love. Now, I suppose that doesn't sound so bad until you tie in my reasoning--I wasn't afraid. I wasn't afraid of life's tragedies, of the things I couldn't control, of losing anything or everything, and most of all, I was completely unafraid of death. However, I was afraid that love would change that--love would create need and dependence. So, since being in love was obviously the most terrible of Achilles heels, I was determined to never actually feel it.
For a while, it worked. And it was terribly heartbreakingly unfair to him. I decided that maybe it was better to give in to the thing that brought me so many fears, instead of letting my life revolve around fear of those things. And regardless of whether or not I actually deserved him, for some inexplicable (to me) reason, he had chosen me.

In retrospect, I was right, of course (couldn't resist and opportunity to say I was right. Clearly). I am now ridiculously afraid of losing him, of death and any such journey that either of us must inevitably take without the other.

Yet...Which is really worse--to deny oneself the feeling of actually being alive that comes with needing something so overwhelmingly much from someone and never actually allowing oneself to feel the need and looking back on life only to realize that we never truly allowed ourselves to LIVE because we were too afraid to do so?

Or knowing that it was glorious and beautiful and it hurt unimaginably badly and we bled for it, cried for it, gave it our all until our existence was merely the dust of that feeling and we flew through the stars; even knowing that eventually the landing would crush our hearts? Because it will, of course. Nothing we know, love, or experience will last forever as we know it. Nobody lives forever, and nothing is immune from the sands of time. But the trick, I think, is to really be alive. It is better to crash into dust like a flaming star across the sky than it is to skate carefully to one's end--because one would have spent too much time dead already.

Anyways, who's to say that what we see as the end is not really just the most terrifying and beautiful beginning, something so vast and beyond our thought processes that we simply cannot comprehend it until we become it...?

Above all my fears so vast, this...


  1. I've been there...and i could not agree more with your choose really what makes our journey matter what the future holds.
    hugs abby

  2. Yes. I get this. When I was 21 and married two years, I was hurting. I sobbed for three hours, deciding if I would choose to love or not, because loving meant pain. I chose to love because I chose to live...really live.

  3. I do agree -- and yet…
    The more times you decide to open yourself up to that fear of pain and loss…and end up face down in said pain and loss…? Well, let's just say it doesn't get easier with practice.
    The best you can say of it is that you learn that it won't kill you... but each time hurts a little bit more.

  4. We only get so much time and there is so much to cram into those minutes, why would you not choose love and life.

  5. I love this Lil and the quotes are fantastic. Another one ... better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all. Life is too short to not choose love.


  6. A nice anonymous here . . . I rarely comment, but lurk daily. That last picture of yours--"To avoid death, they avoid life." I've been there. Probably still am. It terrifies me, that I might have died without truly living, all because of fear of being hurt. And those whom you love could hurt you so baldy. I suppose the irony is that they can, but would never do so deliberately. Like M/s--you give them the power, because you trust them not to hurt you more than you'll be able to take. You love Alpha, and you know that because Alpha loves you, that hurt you fear would probably never take place. . . though i know only too well that sometimes the fear stays no matter what we "know" rationally. Hope this hasn't rambled on too long to make sense . . .

  7. In it for the experience....
    I love that Gaiman quote and had forgotten it :-)

  8. I came across a poem you may like:

    There is a risk involved in everything
    Every time you share a smile
    Every time you shed a tear
    You are opening yourself up to hurt.

    Some people tread slowly through life,
    Avoiding the closeness risk brings,
    Sidestepping the things they can not understand
    Turning away from those who care too much
    Those who care stay too long,
    Those who hold too tightly.

    There is never an easy way to love
    You cannot approach it cautiously
    It will not wait for you to arm yourself.

    It does not care if you turn away
    It is everywhere, it is everything.
    Love is the greatest of all risks.

    It is not reliable, it is not cautious,
    It is not sympathetic
    It is unprejudiced and unmerciful.
    It strikes the strongest of mind,
    And brings them to their knees in one blow.

    Even in the best of times, love hurts.
    It hurts to need, it hurts to belong,
    It hurts to be the other part of someone else,
    Without either of your consent.

    But, from the moment it overtakes you,
    It hurts worse to be all alone.
    The risk of love never depletes;
    It grows stronger and more dangerous with time.
    But, it is in the total surrender of all defense,
    That we, no matter weak or strong,
    No matter willing or captive,
    No matter what, we truly experience love.

    Despite the many things love is not,
    Outweighing it all are the things that love is.
    Love is surrender without a loss.
    It is a gift without the cost.
    It consumes your every thought and desire,
    Every breath you take.
    It is the fire that fuels you
    To do more than pass through life;
    It urges you, instead, to live.

    No matter the outcome, having felt love,
    You will never be the same.
    It may scar your heart and soul
    And leave you only memories of forever.
    Or, it may cause every day of your life
    To feel like there is no need for tomorrow.
    But, love is worth it. It is worth the risk...

    For in all of life,
    Love is truly the only risk worth taking.
    - Ruth Bourdon


  9. lil - i know you're buried - but i do love your writing - so i nominated you for the blog award du jour. if you do get a chance to play along, or need blog fodder - the questions are on my blog. Hope all is well.

    1. They're excellent questions... I'm hoping you can play along, too!

      The Buttinski Bitch

  10. Okay, this is like the millionth time I've stopped by to comment...

    I can't disagree with anything you've said, yet I kinda want to. Lol. I know it's worth it, that he is worth it, but this is fucking scary.

  11. Just checking in, hope all is well with you all lil, its odd not seeing you around very much :)


Play nice.