Monday, April 19, 2010

Bad day...

We got into a fight this morning. I can’t remember the last time we had a blowout in front of the kids and He left and I just sat and cried. He doesn’t think I trust His judgment enough and He seems to trust me to ruin everything. I suppose the whole show doesn’t really have anything to do with me anyways. I thought He would need my help but maybe not. He’s got other people for that who would probably be quite happy to do a mediocre job without the bitching. I just want to curl up and disappear. I don’t want to move over and over again so someone else can sit on their ass in comfort and not get pissy. I don’t want to see Him even less than I do now because He’s doing the work for everyone. The thought doesn’t bother Him though. He said He would do all the work and move six times in a year if He had to in order to make it work out because the money would be worth it. Guess I would rather leave me here too than take me and have me ruin the dream. He see’s it as me seeing the worst possibilities in everything, I see the potential to spend my life doing a shit-load of work behind the scenes and having no say in anything while He puts others before the boys and I. Especially after this morning.

It all started this morning because He knew something was wrong and I wouldn’t say what it was. I didn’t want to fight, I didn’t want Him to leave with me a crying mess while the little one climbed all over me. So much for that I guess…Anyways, He told me I would be punished if I didn’t tell Him what was wrong because He wants me to be forthcoming and truthful which is fair enough. I should have kept my mouth shut and just taken the damn punishment though. He wouldn’t have been really mad at me and left me to cry alone at least. I feel so alone…I really thought that, given the fact He threatened to punish me for my silence, it wouldn’t be an all-out war as soon as I opened my mouth. I knew He was going to be pissed before I even said a word, but I feel so totally betrayed about being promised punishment for not speaking and getting bitched out big time as soon as I did speak. Next time I’ll just keep my stupid mouth shut and take the punishment. I just…I really wish I had kept my mouth shut and taken whatever I had coming for it. To late now.
I think He sees me as incredibly selfish which is ironic considering how unselfish I try to be. I suppose I’m just to “me me me” and any concerns I raise in the future will only be seen as such I’m sure, so I’ll just keep my shit to myself. How is this NOT punishment?? I guess I’m having a “poor me” day. Or maybe it’s just a “poor me” selfish life. With my stupid Eore routine. I can fake happiness. I just never really bothered to put much effort into it because it seemed stupid. But “for the good of all” and all that crap it’s not really a big deal if it makes Him happy. Easier to get away with than faking an orgasm lol.

He called me twice in what was really a nice attempt at apologizing and making up. Somehow it just ended up being a shadow of the same argument though.
Looking around, my house is absolutely filthy. For some reason it’s not bothering me though. Part of me wants to clean it up, some stupid last ditch effort to get a look of approval when He walks in the door. I just feel so lethargic and unmotivated. Who am I kidding, by the time He gets home He’s going to be so tired He probably wouldn’t notice if the toys all came to life and attacked Him. Oh yay for another day of this mess we call life on earth.
I wrote this post and then I was reading some stupid post on experience project about wanting to be a better sub, trust in your Master, blah blah etc. and I started to cry. I think that what has me so down right now isn't the fight, or moving, or anything like that. I try so fucking hard to be good, to be worthy of being His, to surrender, to please. I trust Him more than anyone, even myself. He threatened punishment. I obeyed. He got mad at me. There was something about it that was, mysteriously to me, completely crushing. I'm feeling really conflicted. If the consequences of doing as I am told are worse than punishment, why bother? I know truth has a tendency of hurting at times. It's just...I have gotten to the point of trusting more in submission. That when I submit, there may be consequences to my behavior but they will not come in anger, that I can say anything when submitting and, in the end, it will all be okay. I feel like telling Him what was on my mind at the time was a moment of submission for me and given the argument that followed, I feel alone and rejected. Lost and confused. I have made a big effort lately to be forthcoming with any issues and thoughts I have in an attempt to be so open and honest that all cards are on the table and nothing is ever hidden. I don't want to bring this up to Him though, how this morning made me feel. It would probably just lead to another argument that was my fault...Eh, probably just an extension of a long "me me me" moment.

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