Monday, April 26, 2010

What A Week

I know I said I wouldn't be posting here any more, but the BDSM Library just doesn't seem like an appropriate place for all the random bitching and rotten feelings I have been feeling the need to let out.
This has been a really awful week. M has been doing alright temper wise, but H e has really been down and out. I have an infection and it's all just too damn much. There has been no D/s, no close comfy moments, and very little joy all the way around. M seems to be coming out of His slump, but I'm sinking fast and I just can't seem to pull myself out of it. The kids have been absolutely awful. I have been homeschooling our eldest but I am to the point now of giving up. I just can't do it anymore. He has been so consistently rude and disrespectful with me over the last month that I just can't bear having him around 24/7 and spending all the time it takes to fight with him and do his school work. Even just typing that makes me feel like a horrible mother, but I really can't take it all any more. Even M taking him to task over his treatment of me hasn't made a difference. I love my boys I really do. I just feel like I can't even handle life right now and I refuse to have him be like me, struggling to figure out what a division sign is at 21 because he never made it past third grade. I mean, I learned it all and made the national honor society with my grades but it was hard as hell. I also spent a lot of my earlier life feeling like I was worth less than other people because I lacked a basic education. I swore a long time ago I would never put my boys in that position so public school seems like the best option right now. Logistically it sucks because there is only six weeks left in this semester and we won't be moving until September or October which would put him going to two different schools in as many months and starting mid-semester at a new school. I don't know what else to do. I feel like a bit of a failure given that he will have to start second grade again and we have made it halfway through already but fuck...I don't want to live in misery.
M is put out with me for being rather depressed lately. I just can't get over it. Yesterday I had a great talk with the husband of the couple we will be moving with and I feel a lot better about our move because now I know he is loyal to M and respects him greatly. I'm a bit concerned that his wife doesn't feel the same way and she is obviously the one who has the final say in their relationship. I am leery of starting that conversation with her though because I think we are much more likely to fight and that would just suck all the way around for all of us. I am not sure that the relationship we all have is strong enough to handle her and I having a blowout. Don't get me wrong, I actually really like her and I rarely get along well with women. But I have been screwed by every friend I have ever had so I'm a bit afraid of going for it again.
I just need to be Dominated. I need to be whipped until I cry. I need to be taken so far down into Him that I can't see which side is up. I want to go to that place where I forget my own name. At the same time I'm itchy and hurting and cranky and not feeling in the least bit willing. And M's not exactly pouring out Dominant tendencies and understanding right now. Which is fair enough considering He quit smoking four days ago and is still going through withdrawal.
Meh, I just want to quit life and start over. I wish we were moving this summer.

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Play nice.