hmmm...

The sadist in M has really been showing since He quit smoking. He gets off on it more. Now, I have spent years basically begging for pain in some form or fashion, but I get those "holy shit!?!" moments sometimes now. Still though, there is no other look quite like the look He gets in His eyes when He is allowing Himself to take me into His sadistic playground. It's amazing (words obviously fail me). I know He has held back a lot in the past because my safety and well-being is forefront in His mind. But I think He trusts in Himself more now. We were talking about TTWD the other day and He said it bothered Him sometimes that people so often refer to it as "play," because It is such a serious thing to be so responsible for some one's life that with a wrong flick of the wrist it could all be over (okay, so those weren't His exact words, but I'm taking creative licence here because it's the only way I can express what He said in so few words). Somehow that made me want Him to do whatever He wanted to me right then and there lol. I have learned a lot through our explorations. One thing I have learned is that it's important not to base your ideas of what you want on what you THINK things should be. Nothing so deep is completely definable and trying to put it in a box only limits the purity of experience. Telling M what I truly want and need then letting go of my preconceptions about how/who He/we should be, gave Him the space He needed to go where He wanted to. That made more sense in my head than it does on the page...
Dunno why I'm still sitting here typing. Actually, that's a load of bullshit, I know exactly why I'm still sitting here and denial isn't going to make me feel better. I have always been in love with M, even when I didn't know it. But for many years I kept up a wall, a thin one perhaps, but a safety net of sorts that kept me from giving all of my being completely. D/s made me realize it was there and discover Why it was there. I was afraid. I was afraid that if I ever gave myself so completely, mind, body, heart, and soul, that if I lost Him I would be completely destroyed. Sure, financially it would be an absolutely awful situation for the kids and I as I have no job skills whatsoever. M has always provided for us. But I don't care about that. The fear that bites to the core of my being and makes me want to cry is the thought of my Owner, my Master, my lover, my Husband, my world, my best friend, my life, no longer being with me.
I guess I'm panicking. M's health seems to be getting worse not better and we don't have money for Him to go see a doctor and He won't go. He's my life. I couldn't survive without Him. He makes me emotionally stable, my knight in shining armour, my shelter from the storm. He is my world and I don't ever want it to shatter.