When I'm down, Alpha is always there to lift me up (or scrape the pieces off the ground as the case may be), and it took me a very long time to realize that, even those who pick us up need someone to lean on at times.
He has been feeling more than his age since a recent appointment and I am left wishing he could see himself through my eyes. Much as I sometimes wish I could see myself through his I suppose.
I think it is much more difficult to handle his times of being down as a sub than it was when we were vanilla. Though perhaps then I never fully realized that the need for support is a human characteristic, so it mattered less to me. Because he always seemed so strong and unbreakable.
And I still see him that way. But I also know he is human (gasp and shudder, what a mind blowing realization).
Alpha is older than me and has always had the views and concepts that come with more experience in this world. And though he misses feeling young, he really still is.
His chosen profession is not an easy one and has taken it's toll with all the markings that come from years of long days packed with hard physical labor and the responsibilities of making tough decisions that cannot be undone.
I was sitting at the park yesterday watching the kiddo play soccer, munchkin playing on the playground as if there was no tomorrow, the sun slowly fading over the mountain, kids the age we were when we met strolling in the sun as if they had no concept of the weight of reality, and I realized something--while Alpha has always held a great weight of responsibility, I have really done nothing to make it better.
He is a responsible yet spontaneous person. And I was always there advocating the most responsible route, pointing out why we shouldn't do the fun thing, why we couldn't do the spur of the moment activity he was advocating. For the most part he ignored my objections and we did them anyways. And now I am quite thankful for that.
But I think that slowly over time, what I was really doing was wearing down that spontaneous man who never had a chance to be a kid.
Everybody needs to play sometime. And while I was learning that from him, to some extent he was learning the opposite from me.
So this weekend we are going to play. Even if it just means getting lost in the woods for a day, or unplugging the phone and strolling around the house naked eating copious amounts of popcorn and watching movies. We are going to leave the kids with grandma and quit acting like responsibilities are the only thing in life that really matters.
Because he taught me how to play. And I think it's time I reminded him how precious of a gift that is.