Wednesday, May 23, 2012

All About Play

When I'm down, Alpha is always there to lift me up (or scrape the pieces off the ground as the case may be), and it took me a very long time to realize that, even those who pick us up need someone to lean on at times.

He has been feeling more than his age since a recent appointment and I am left wishing he could see himself through my eyes. Much as I sometimes wish I could see myself through his I suppose.

I think it is much more difficult to handle his times of being down as a sub than it was when we were vanilla. Though perhaps then I never fully realized that the need for support is a human characteristic, so it mattered less to me. Because he always seemed so strong and unbreakable.

And I still see him that way. But I also know he is human (gasp and shudder, what a mind blowing realization).

Alpha is older than me and has always had the views and concepts that come with more experience in this world. And though he misses feeling young, he really still is.
His chosen profession is not an easy one and has taken it's toll with all the markings that come from years of long days packed with hard physical labor and the responsibilities of making tough decisions that cannot be undone.

I was sitting at the park yesterday watching the kiddo play soccer, munchkin playing on the playground as if there was no tomorrow, the sun slowly fading over the mountain, kids the age we were when we met strolling in the sun as if they had no concept of the weight of reality, and I realized something--while Alpha has always held a great weight of responsibility, I have really done nothing to make it better.

He is a responsible yet spontaneous person. And I was always there advocating the most responsible route, pointing out why we shouldn't do the fun thing, why we couldn't do the spur of the moment activity he was advocating. For the most part he ignored my objections and we did them anyways. And now I am quite thankful for that.
But I think that slowly over time, what I was really doing was wearing down that spontaneous man who never had a chance to be a kid.
Everybody needs to play sometime. And while I was learning that from him, to some extent he was learning the opposite from me.

So this weekend we are going to play. Even if it just means getting lost in the woods for a day, or unplugging the phone and strolling around the house naked eating copious amounts of popcorn and watching movies. We are going to leave the kids with grandma and quit acting like responsibilities are the only thing in life that really matters.
Because he taught me how to play. And I think it's time I reminded him how precious of a gift that is.

22 comments:

  1. I too live with man who has a job that takes a serious physical toll. Add the organ transplant and the open heart surgery and we got serious health issues. The only difference is I am the one who taught him how to be spontaneous and to play. He has also taught me things and we balance each other pretty well.

    The time to play is now, have tons of fun, and then tell us all about it, lol :)

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    1. faerie, right, at this point I figure play is a bit like life--there's no time like the present to enjoy the moment.

      Btw, I have filed your previous comment about play being like riding a bike into my mental favorites lol.

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  2. May you have a HECK of a weekend!
    :-)

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    1. Jz, I have every intention of doing so! Thank you.

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  3. oh lil, my Master is a fair bit older than me and works too damn hard but then he is a self confessed workaholic, although our age gap isnt an issue being realistic because he is older he gets tired quicker and also he is diabetic so that contributes to the tiredness if his blood levels are not co-operating.

    I have felt guilty that i have maybe not made things easier for him when i should have, like when i want some attention..sex or some s/m or just to get away from it all and do vanilla things and he is too tired.

    But its important to make time to just hang out and so i hope your weekend goes to plan and you have some enjoyable playtime whatever form that may take.

    tori x

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    1. tori, it's exceptionally easy to get caught up in everything else isn't it.
      At this point, an afternoon for just the two of us doing anything ro nothing sounds like a piece of heaven to me.

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  4. FD was a workaholic. That is part of why heis now former daddy.

    Live hard, play harder.

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    1. Mindset, While I do believe in the importance of hard work and responsibility, there's not much point in letting life pass on by without some fun.

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  5. lil - good for you - for getting the opportunity - but mostly for seeing the need. Have a wonderful weekend.

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    1. gg, lord knows there's plenty of need. I think we average two or three times year without the kids. Homeschooling has it's drawbacks lol.
      Thank you.

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  6. Lil, have a great weekend and enjoy your time!

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  7. Lil, I hope you have a great weekend. Make sure you buy all that you need before Friday so all you have to do is play and enjoy. It sounds like you also learned a little from your kids. Seeing the world through their eyes is amazing. Enjoy each day and laugh a lot.

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    1. Blondie, children do have that amazingly fresh perspective on the world that is nice to achieve occasionally.

      I work all day Friday and the kiddo has a soccer game Saturday. But from 1PM Saturday, to 9AM Sunday, the world is ours for the taking lol.

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  8. Sending you positive vibes thru the blogosphere! *hugs* May you both have a wonderful weekend, & be fully present in each other's company.

    Yesterday I learnt something about my BIKSS too that made me realise there are going to be times that he needs me to help him through the bad bits as well. I'm happy to, of course, and honoured that he would admit this. But then, I think that makes him even stronger in my eyes. Strong enough to ask for help when he knows he needs it.

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    1. Fondlers Anon, Right, there's nothing worse than getting the time and being preoccupied with other crap. I have every intention of living in the moment(my living in the moment skills are a work in progress lol).

      And yes, we are all human. Denying it doesn't make one stronger.

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  9. All work and no play........ I love that you've come to this realisation and I could take a lesson or two away from your post too tbh, have a great weekend lil and enjoy, I hope you both have loads of fun whatever you decide to do.

    Dee x

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    1. Dee, yes well, I may have to refer back to it for memory refreshers from time to time lol.
      Thank you, and we will!

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  10. Sorry i'm late, but this is so beautiful, i had to say so. You're so right about the importance of having time to play, and time to be responsibility free and i'm so glad you could give that to him.

    i see from your last comment that it did go well, so i can leave here with a happy sigh.

    Thanks!

    aisha

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    1. aisha, oh I love the comments that come after everybody else has forgotten the post exists!
      And I hate to say it, but I was talking about referring back to this post as a reminder in my previous comment.
      But as of now it is Saturday, the only unseen event was my grandmothers death, but that was yesterday so ummm, yea, going to take the 24 hours to come for all it's worth.

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  11. lil, sorry to hear about your gramma's death. Its so hard to let go of the extension of your parents. Those childhood memories of the grandparents spoiling you to death then sending you back home to the 'rents. Why do they hate us so! lol Just remember she's up there looking down on you, protection from a close guardian angel is always awesome.

    this post was poignant and appropriate to me as I came back to post on my own. i'm grateful to find someone who is just as much a companion to their Owner as they are a slave, mom, etc.

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    1. wakai`ama, I was not close with my grandmother. I have always lived on a different side of the country and there were many serious family issues before my time. Still, she was not a bad woman, and it is worth remembering that I wouldn't have existed without her.

      I think that if one is going to be in a long-term committed relationship and raise children together, it is important to be companions--life cannot be just one thing. It is all the facets of our relationships that make them whole.
      And while it can be a delicate balancing act, I do believe it is an important one.

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Play nice.