Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Who Owns Submission?

I use the term "My submission" fairly often. But while I do tend to phrase it that way, I have learned that it's not mine. It is Alpha's.

That's a tricky switch over in thought. But I think it is very much like dictating the terms of my submission. It leads to thought forms about how I should submit, instead of simply doing it how he wants.

If submission was mine, there would probably be very few 10 PM back rubs, no headache sex, no going to the Post Office, very little stepping outside my comfort zone, you get the picture--if it was mine I would do the things that I like to do.
And what exactly would be the point in that? For us, there really wouldn't be one. It would be a game for fun, and little else.

I happen to not subscribe to the school of thought that submission is a gift. Alpha believes differently, and maybe those differing views are part of what make ttwd work for us.
Though that is a post of it's own...
Despite our different opinions on the matter, we both agree that submission isn't really mine--it's his. Gift or not.

I think that entering a relationship with the opinion that submission belongs to the submissive is healthy. An important safety net of sorts perhaps.
But if we hold to tightly to that approach, then we never actually surrender. We submit, we offer lip service to exchanging power, but we don't actually do it.
If we keep submission as our own, we remain in control.

In my opinion, submission begins as a choice. It's a choice we make every day during every interaction.
For some of us, we make that choice over and over for a lifetime. For others, there comes a point where we don't make that choice anymore, or as often--it just is.
I don't believe that one is better than another, they are what they are. And hopefully, the path we walk is the one that works best in our relationship.

If submission is the path to surrender, yet we hold tightly to it as being something of our own, we make complete surrender an impossibility. And in doing so, we keep ourselves from exploring an entire world of possibility.

He owns me. Therefore, it only makes sense that he owns my submission. It's a theory that is easier stated than lived, but I do believe it to be true.


  1. I have been here many times before, but I am unsure if I have commented.

    Thank you so much for this post. We are new to ttwd, and sometimes I feel guilty about thinking what you expressed in this post.

    I still do feel that if submission is a gift, then I have the power to change how it is used- although I suppose in reality once you give a gift, the owner can use it however he chooses. It is all so very complicated when one starts to really think about it.

    Suffice to say, I would rather your post be a reality in our lives. I suppose it is too early in the game for that for us.

    1. Okay sorry Lil...I am such an idiot! You put a few snow flakes around and I get lost in the storm...sorry about that :(

    2. Wilma,
      no worries lol--the background changes quite a bit around here. See? Now there's no snow to get lost in. Next week it might be a dark forest...Who knows (I don't).

      I think that it's all really complicated or really simple--depending on how much we over-think it (over-thinking happens to be a personal specialty for me).

  2. lil,
    I'm with you on the gift thing - actually - i just feel like it's an odd way to look at any kind of relationship, like it's a thing or a possession to be taken or given. Any relationship, intimate dynamic to casual friendship, has to have give and take on both sides. It's giving a gift for both? It's receiving a gift for both? Maybe gift isn't the right construct.

    I'm kinda tangled up in the "my submission" "His submission" thing. I can get completely on board with what you say, but i can argue the other side too. I am His - any and all, completely. Yes. But if i've so disappeared as me that i never face needing to actively choose his way, that feels empty. What power exchange is there if i don't have anything to exchange, or anything for him to expect/demand? I Completely agree that submitting case by case, over and over at each decision point, is not the same as fully surrendering and giving my whole being to him (besides being tedious for both of us). I believe i have surrendered my whole being to him, yet there are many times that i have to fight with my emotions, my impulses, even my own self interests to live up to that. I suppose i see that as my responsibility and my side of the bargain, "my submission." Maybe i'm just stuck on semantics really, or (more likely) i just have more to learn.

    1. gg,
      Okay, so I have thought about this a lot (big surprise right). Specifically, how I can agree with you, yet still hold the the beliefs I expressed in this post. I'm not sure I have figured that out at all though...

      I see power exchange as a one-time, really big decision. Followed by repeated choices to maintain that exchange. Not sure i'm making sense...

      I do think that we need to maintain a certain amount of responsibility for how we interact/react, and submit. But for me, if I think of submission as belonging to me, I fall into thinking that I can choose how and when it works instead of going in the direction he wants.

      Semantics, maybe--we're quite good at those.

      As far as more to learn goes, don't we all have more to learn?
      I really do kind of believe that once we learn all we need to, we're done. And who really wants to be "done"?

  3. Just yes to all what you wrote here.

    I write 'my submission' because it flows easier but i dont see it as being mine and the bossman will pick me up on it at home, im submissive and his submissive but he dictates my submission not me.

    The gift of submission well i just mentioned my thoughts on this in my last post and it just doesnt sit right with me, it like i think that by saying its a gift the dominant should be grateful..if that makes sense..either way no i dont follow that train of thought.


    1. tori,
      yes--writing "his submission" would be pretty nonsensical wouldn't it?

      The concept of submission as a gift is interesting to me. Mostly because I don't see it as such, but Alpha does. And we coexist wonderfully with those seemingly conflicting beliefs.

  4. I feel like his dominance is a gift, because I feel so lucky to have him above me. Submission is what I do. Nobody owns it here. He owns me. I submit.

    1. ancilla_ksst - perfect - that's exactly what i was trying to say- with all those words - He owns me - I submit - in my mind it's a verb, can't be possessed - just done or not done.

    2. ancilla,
      interesting view.
      Submission is a verb, so logically it can't be owned. On the other hand, as humans, we own and take responsibility for our actions.
      I think I'm making very conflicting statements that make no sense whatsoever...

    3. ancilla_ksst: I love that, I think that you just nailed it.


  5. Interesting post, and something to think about. :)

    1. Kitty,
      I seem to have that affect--it's a product of over-thinking wayyy too much.

  6. Interesting thought, Lil.
    Lisa and I also differ in opinion about submission. Lisa does not think of herself as submissive. She just likes to do what I wish her to do. To me that feels like a gift. But she does not really think about it. She has given nothing at all. She just feels, that is how it is and how it should be.

    1. Bas,
      I love how we can be happy living with such opposing views--and it works.
      I'm with Lisa--that is how it is and should be. I like her take on it!

      Perhaps there is a beautiful complexity of it's own in us not seeing submission as a gift while our Dominants do see it as such.

  7. Hi, lil,
    I love this post! I am sort of with you on the gift thing - sort of - with a twist...it is a gift, but his accepting my submission is a gift to me, because it allows me to be my truest self.

    I agree with the ownership of submission. Ward owns me in every way, so the fact that he owns my submission is pretty much a given. I think you have to have your one to touch that place of submission. Without Ward there is no submission, so that is something that only exists between us, and as such, it belongs to him.

    1. June,
      "Without Ward there is no submission, so that is something that only exists between us, and as such, it belongs to him."
      Exactly! Nice and simple...I use far too many words lol.

    2. Oh,but I loved your words! Went on our favorite post page :)

  8. I tend to think of her submission as a gift that she's given me. In fact, after the very first scene we did, I said "Thank you for giving that to me." I don't know why, it just felt right in the moment to thank her for it. It's not something I can take from her, it's something she has to give me. Once it's mine, I own it, and I'll be very careful with it too, like I would any other precious gift.

    1. Mr. Woods,
      I do enjoy the whole "take it and conquer me" bit. However, I think that you are quite right--ultimately, submission must be given. You cannot force someone to submit. Well, you can...But it's best to be given it first, if that makes any sense...

  9. I too think of submission as a gift but have realized that it is very closely tied to surrender in a daily way. It's not so much that I hand it over as a gift on a daily basis, more that I re-surrender it every morning and then again every time I start to feel internal resistance. This dynamic where he gets to discipline exists in part b/c of that resistance and b/c of what you said here--it really belongs to him and he has the right to take what is his. When I think about it that way the pretty bows and wrapping paper disappear.

    1. Susie,
      I think that surrender is a very important, and often overlooked aspect of submission. Or maybe the goal...

      I like pretty bows and wrapping paper...I also quite enjoy when everything superficial like that is stripped away leaving only those raw and true parts of who we are.

  10. I have honestly never thought about whether or not submission was mine or his....you have made many good points...i must think on this....

    I hope you realize that you are RUINING my plans for the day! I decided to just "check in on a few blogs before looking for some paying gigs"....and here I am, countless amounts of time later, still reading....*sigh*...I have NO will power...

    1. Cassaundra,
      Lol--the reading can get to be a bit addictive around here.


Play nice.