Winter is coming...

My month can pretty much be summed up with one illustration:

Except that coffee hasn't made it better

This image has to be familiar to someone else out there...

The good news is that Alpha is working. The bad news is, it's cold.

An early freeze precipitated the harvest of 150 pounds of green tomatoes. So those bags are all over my house until ripe and processed. It's only been a day and the clutter is driving me mad.
Winter is coming, and I don't think that she is going to be kind...

Be Careful What You Wish For

I know that I have comments to respond to, but the computer is running frustratingly slow. I'll get to them soon.

A while back, I read something that got me to thinking...
Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. Then I read a comment on another blogger's post, and the thoughts floating around in my muddled brain finally had to seek release.

It's so true you know. And I think that the panic of having got what one asked for, occurs a lot in relationships where the submissive partner has asked to incorporate D/s into a previously vanilla marriage.

You want him to really Dominate you, you want him to be consistent, you spend time cultivating his Dominance, and encouraging him to really take the reins. You want more--you need more.

Then one morning you wake up. And you realize that there's no going back, that you unleashed a monster, and that monster now rules your existence. And it's not just me who has had this experience!

Often, subs seem pleased about this turn of events, because it means that the relationship has successfully developed into some form of power exchange. Of course, it is also means that things don't go according to one's own plans--they now go according to his.

Then, there are the times when subs seem genuinely unhappy about said turn of events--they got what they asked for, but it didn't come in the form they had imagined; therefor, he surely has it all wrong, and this whole D/s thing isn't going to work because he's clearly not doing it right.

That's a laughable approach to D/s.
I think that people find themselves in that place when they don't really think through what they have asked for, and what the reality of it might look like.

That's not to say Dominants are perfect because they are Dominant. Oh no, they too are flawed members of the human race, and they do screw up. But when someone has asked you to explore a new path, to express repressed parts of yourself, to lead in a whole new way, there is no confidence killer quite like consistent criticisms of doing it wrong. Especially when they come from the person who asked for it all in the first place.

So be careful what you wish for. Because when you are wishing to be the s in a D/s relationship, getting what you asked for means that your Dominant will be getting his way. And if you set the beast free, you must be prepared to feed it.

Sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder if there was one specific moment in life when you realized that I would do anything you told me to.
I think that to often, we get caught up in the semantics of "Anything". That's how you get sucked into those conversations about limb amputation...
Really though, it's simple--to say that I would do anything he told me to, is a reasonable statement because there are many things that he would never demand.

Sometimes I wonder, and I think that maybe there are times when it's a little bit scary, a little bit glorious, a little bit intoxicating
having a woman on her knees
a woman begging to please
a canvas to explore and paint as you please.

Sometimes I wonder what you are thinking when I crawl to you
knowing that the next moment is all about your command
knowing that I am yours
knowing that you can and will do as you wish.

Sometimes I wonder how you choose the path
how you decide if we go further or rest where we are
how you choose which strings to pull, and which ones to cut.

Sometimes I wonder what the view is like from the top
always knowing that my view from the bottom
is the perspective that I was always meant to have.

It's Been A While..

So, it's been a while since I wrote in my book. Okay, a long while.
Yesterday, on his way out the door, he said that he wanted to see it.
Oh...He knows I haven't been writing in it, because I'm supposed to bring it to him every day. The last entry was dated December 2012.
Here's the thing. The stupid thing.
I quite because it was one of those things that I decided wasn't important to him. Iknow, Iknow--not my decision to make.
I felt like there was a million rules that could all be summed up with one, but here I am writing down some of them every day and having him check on them.
The thing is...It was never meant to be comprehensive. It was is meant to remind me of the things I tend to forget, and keep my focus on submission in daily life. Because really, I could spend days writing down all of the rules, or a moment summing them all up in one phrase.

I did an entry yesterday, and offered it to him this morning. He asked if I really wanted him to have all day to think about it, or if I would prefer a slightly less calculated approach to paying up after he looks at it. Yea, I'll hand it over tonight.

I think that, (hi tori) there is always ebb and flow in any dynamic.
For all of its incredible resilience, the human body is a delicate creation, and adjustments must be made to accommodate its finicky nature. Mine has not been terribly good to me lately, and one of the side effects is hormonal disturbances that make PMS look like a stroll in the park.
So reins were loosened, and adjustments were made. Because really, no one wants their sub going batshit crazy, right?

I know I have said this before, but I need that--the space to flounder and attempt to deal with new realizations and accept new turns in the road. But that space has a finite life of usefulness. And when it's over, there is always bit more control in our dynamic than there was before.

We are coming around to the end of this current lenience, and I can feel the reins tightening in subtle ways.

The book? The book coming back was a not-so-subtle reminder that there are only limits on how he chooses to use his control over me, and how far he decides to take it.

It's been a while since I wrote in that book. And there is sure to be a hefty fee paid in the balancing.
I could lie and say that I'm not nervous, but what would be the point in that?

Beyond Willing

I was reading a post that mouse wrote today, and I started to think about that moment in time which occasionally occurs, when I hate him. Not true hate per say, but in that moment, I really don't like him for what he is doing.
Whether it is that one smack of the belt after which each strike is agony, or sucking cock with a migraine (in all fairness, he is thankfully fairly considerate of that one), or longer, more pain, more of whatever it is when it becomes just too much...

Whatever the activity, when it is pushed to a certain point, sometimes I feel resentment, anger, dislike, I hate that he's making me do it...
But there is something to be said for pushing beyond that.
He knows that in that moment, I don't like him.
But he does it anyways.
He pushes me beyond where I'm ready to call him names it quits
and something happens in that place.

Everything else disappears.

There is no want, or do not want
there is no "I will, or will not"
there is no "me", there is only "his"
there is no more outside world
there is only his will
and in that moment
everything that I am exists only to serve and fulfill his will.

It has been a while since he pushed me like that.
Tricky isn't it, knowing when to push and when not to? Because I sure as hell am rarely capable of knowing for myself.
I haven't been very stable lately, and he is one to err on the side of caution (which is one of the reasons why we work so well).

But there is something to be said for that place of complete surrender. And sometimes, the only way I can get there, is to go beyond where I am willing.

Dear World...

It feels like I haven't been here in ages...It's been one of those weeks that just won't end. In fact, the calendar is telling me that it is now a whole new week. I find that doubtful because last week is still going...

I probably shouldn't complain. Alpha has steady work for a while, which is awesome, and the kids are both healthy enough to be evil.
But...

Oh where to begin? Perhaps I'll begin with complaints, and segue elegantly into other issues.

We got the car back from the mechanic this week. The car that we had lent to Thing1. To say it put me in a bad mood would be an understatement. Anything that could have been broken on it was. Door handles, front and back windshields, lights, a multitude of mechanical issues, holes in the gas tank, glove box, etc. The body is beat to shit--there's not one undamaged panel on the whole car.
And the interior. Oh. My. Fucking. God. The interior...I have never in my life cleaned something so filthy, and I have cleaned some truly awful stuff.
Car is now on the road at a painful price, and you can sit in it without cringing and feeling like you need to scrub off your skin. Though if anyone has any great ideas about how to get motor oil (or something similar??) out of upholstery, I'm all ears.
I spent a couple of days being little miss fix it. Did you know that you can rub soap on a leaking gas tank and make it home? Rather unpleasant, but quite a neat trick...

And then there's soccer and chess. Lots of it. Did I mention that my car spent the week breaking, which is what precipitated  our need for the other one?
And my poor little guy has the meanest and most biased soccer coach I have ever met in my life.

There's snow on the mountains. Seriously, wasn't it just winter?!

We currently have no sex life. Apparently it's only fun to force someone who is at least moderately willing upon occasion.

Cue the music for my biggest issue of the week...

In all seriousness, I asked Alpha what he wanted from me.
And in all seriousness, he replied, "The unattainable."
Yea...It's a wonderful feeling.

I feel like that should be written in neon and broadcast across the fucking sky. It looks so small in it's tiny black print and small white page...And the irony of that feeling is not lost on me.


Know what? I gotta go crawl back under the car because the patch Alpha put on the gas tank is leaking. Probably best that Thing1 moved 1,000 miles away...

Little Epiphanies

I had walked away from attempting to write a blog post, when standing in my living room, I had one of those little epiphany things.
For the first time, I realized how huge slavery is in my life.
It has become so deeply insinuated into who I am, that there are times I have actually thought it wasn't there.
Because slavery is so much more than my image of it implied.

Have no doubt, my fantasy of slavery is hot
it is me on my knees begging to please
it is all those things that turn me on
it is surrender of flesh, mind, and soul,
it is dangerous and sweet
it is achingly and painfully, exquisite beyond belief.

Some days, that is the form slavery takes.

But it couldn't really take that form if not for all those little moments every day. Moments which create the space for that fantasy to make appearances in reality.

M/s is in the food I cook, the condition I keep the house, the choices I make, and the way I keep my hair.
M/s exists in the way he strokes my face, the tone of his voice when he speaks to me, the intent behind each touch of his hand, and the day-to-day life that we live.
Ms winds beneath the surface of all that we are like a river--always nourishing even when it flows unseen below the earth.

And some days, M/s prompts insane urges to please that incite unreasonable behavior. Like attempting to make crepes in a pan that has no handle...It might work...

What Do You Need?

The interesting thing about need, is that we don't always want what we need. Much as we don't always need what we want. But I'm just playing with words now...

I generally fall into the category of wanting what I need in overall life. When it comes to things like sex and Domination? Not always so much.

To have admitted what I needed...
To admit would have been to ask for it
 to say that
I need to be put on my knees
bent over
and undeniably
irrevocably
seriously
used.
But to ask like that would not have been enough
he would have insisted in that low growl, to be told exactly what I needed.

To ask for it would have meant admitting what I needed.

So simple.

But no...

Sometimes he'll tell me what I need, and sometimes he'll ask. With seeming inevitability, there are also times when I beg for what I need with no claims of having a clue about what that need is.

The one thing I do know for sure though, is that I do not always want what I need, which can make some needs infuriatingly difficult to admit...

Accepting Realizations

I am inclined to point out that this post is probably not worth the coffee required to read or write it. Lol.

Realization is so different from acceptance.

I realize that slavery will never really be what I think it should be. Because if it was, it wouldn't truly be slavery to me.

But to accept...Well, acceptance is an entirely different creature.

There are just to many fucking words in my head to make sense of.

Everything is fine really. In fact, it should be noted that things are better than fine.

Except for some this and that stuff.

And the fact that I can't seem to write. So I tried and I tried to figure out why. Because I feel the need to blog, the need to process through writing, the need to sift through my thoughts on a page. Yet...I can't.

So why?

Because I committed, what I see to be, one of those cardinal sins of blogging: I allowed my readership undue influence over my writing--I got my most likely diagnosis, and I kept it to myself. Therefore ensuring that many of my personal issues wouldn't make sense in print, and minimizing my ability to use writing as a tool for personal growth and exploratiion.
But why?
Why...
Perhaps because some things seem more personal than sex...
Pcos and endometriosis would explain so much of my life. My decidedly reticent libido, mood swings, pain, and on, and on...Did I mention up and down moods?
And while I realize it, I have difficulties accepting it. Because that means it's not all in my imagination.

The D/s...

Sometimes I'm afraid that Dominating me is like dealing with multiple personalities lol.

Now, I am not operating under the illusion of his perfection. In fact, the thought that I might be would probably make him laugh incredulously.
But I have not yet figured out how to flow smoothly when I seem to consistently run the entire gambit of human emotion in an extremely short period of time. Over and over again.

There's times I can't explain, times when I feel like there's this huge empty space. And nothing owns me because there is nothing to own in a void. That's the best way I can put it into words, unfortunately...

I realize these things.
But I am not entirely accepting of those realizations.

I know that I am a challenge. I know that it is difficult to handle the state of flux from wanton and malleable slave, to a ball of empty lost indifference and confusion. I know that I

need help, and am not always accepting of it or the form that it takes.
Because I realize that submission and slavery cannot be about what I want. In order for our relationship to be successful, ttwd has to be about my needs as well as his, and to a certain extent, my desires too.
With the understanding that such is his choice. My desires are his to feed or not.
When, what, and where are all his to choose.

I realize, need, and even desire these things.
Yet, there are times that I have difficulty accepting them because there's nothing to own in an empty space.

Ultimately though, I am coming to accept these realizations. Because he always reaches out that hand when I start to fall. Yet I choose not to take it (one could also say that I dodge the incoming hit, but around here, that would be arguing semantics lol) . And taking his offering will ease the state of flux. Because like so may aspects of ttwd, it's about what he chooses, not about the form I believe our D/s should take.

Eventually, we must both accept surrender. I surrender on his terms. Because his ownership is the only thing that sets me free from myself.
So I'll do my part--I'll take all measures I can to mitigate the physical causes of my issues. And I will try my hardest to gracefully accept the assistance he offers. In whatever form that assistance takes.

Where Do the Days Go?

What happened to the beginning of September? It's practically winter! 

The little guy woke me up at four-something this morning. I gave up on sleep, and made coffee around five. Is anything better at five AM, than the sound of rain accompanied by coffee and blogging? It seemed like a divine way to start the day (this week has been insane).
Yea...No way no how did the internet have any intention of working. So I ended up doing yoga instead. I must admit to feeling slightly let down lol.

I have really been struggling lately. My desire to please is being heavily weighed down by my lack of desire for...Well, damn near everything. It's kind of a manic feeling sometimes.

I miss my daily blogging.
I have sat down and stared at the blank page nearly every day since my last post. Nothin. Nada. Zip.

For once, there's just too much, or really not enough...

Life...

As you can see, I have even stolen enough time to change my background again. Apparently, not quite enough time to make the rounds though. Ahem. I'm hoping to have some time for blog browsing this evening--addictions to feed you know...

Fall is always a crazy season for us.
Soccer--this year requiring an average of 10 hours a week in the car,
school for both children--I am adapting. Possibly quite poorly, but still adapting lol,
gardening--looking forward to more lettuce and (hopefully) enough tomatoes to can,
Alpha's current projects wrapping up,
getting the house together...

Dunno, everything's just all kerfuffled.

My morning "me" time has ludicrously deteriorated from coffee, cigarettes, and blogging; to coffee and working out. It's just not right...

Basic obedience has, apparently, been a struggle for me lately. It is a struggle that Alpha finds neither amusing nor tolerable.
So yea, there's that...

I gotta go water the garden.

And just because it's funny...

Surrender to Knowing

Physical expressions of D/s are an integral part of ttwd. The physical is important--part of the whole if you will.

But no amount of physical Domination can replace knowing a submissive.

In the beginning, I think that we have a lot of fantasies of how it will be and how we want everything to go. And we want it all now.
Little do we realize, that it is impossible to experience beyond a certain depth until they know us. I mean, really know us in the context of power exchange.

The kind of knowing that we generally go through a lot of effort to avoid.

Throughout life we build walls. Some are small and weak, others are tall and mighty feats of engineering. Either way, they are defenses that take on varying forms. When one commits to living D/s, those walls have to go. Some come crashing down with ease in a spectacular display, others take years of dismantling stone by stone.

As an aside, walls serve the important function of self-protection, so there are many circumstances and people with which walls are extremely important and useful.
Behind the walls is knowing, and sometimes knowing is a very very dangerous thing.

Knowledge is power, and the knowledge that a Dominant accumulates, increases the power he has.

Every time we hide something, or tell a little "white lie", or tell ourselves that they don't need to know, or filter the truth, or don't admit the whole story, or think that they don't need to know; we make it harder for them to know us.
Because we don't always realize that there is no substitute for knowing.

Each and every little thing we hide becomes something that stands between us.
BDSM is stripping away the superficial, and if you want someone to read you like an open book, you have to open the cover. You must surrender to knowing.

When we say, "I want you to Dominate my mind too" what we are really saying is: "I want you to be closer to me than our skins will allow. I want you to step inside my mind and touch my soul. I am willing to bare all that I am to you." Then you hand them the keys to your inner world, and hope that they don't crush it. Because it is much more difficult to repair non-physical damage.

After we have sought it out and opened up, we aren't always aware of how far their knowledge of us extends. Until one day we realize that there are things they know, which we never even knew about ourselves.
I'm sure that it is an interesting experience, to really explore the mind of another person. And there is certainly no experience quite like baring oneself to the extent required for such an exploration to occur.
I think the interesting complexities of humanity create the possibility for it to be a lifelong adventure...

Nearly put myself to sleep rambling on. Guess that means I get to have another cup of coffee before weeding the garden!

Complex Simplicity

He has been pulling tighter on the reins lately...I must say, it is exactly what I need. Even if I'm not thrilled to be peeing in a cup every morning.
His consistently insistent approach to our recent interactions is helping me cope with recent life occurrences, and assisting my attempts at developing a somewhat new relationship with pain.

I feel in a bit of an odd place lately. We have reached the point where I am well and truly willing to go as far as he wants, dive as deep as he wishes, or float near the surface--if he wishes.
Though I think that I always prefer pushing it just a teensy bit further...After all, retreat is no longer an option, and hasn't been for quite some time.

I'm rambling...But what else is this place for, if not to dump my random thought processes?

I am feeling comfortable in my submission, and I have become accepting of my slavery.
In this moment, there is no angst, no doubt, no overabundance of thought; just a constant awareness of being owned.
I know that I don't have it all figured out, and probably never will, but today I don't mind.

I think that we take something simple, something so simple as to exist at the core of our interactions, and make it confusingly complex.
Yes, M/s, D/s, relationships, they are complex because that is human nature. But really, underneath it all, that complexity is beautifully simplistic.

We are limited only by our perceptions and the scope of our beliefs.