Friday, September 27, 2013

It's Been A While..

So, it's been a while since I wrote in my book. Okay, a long while.
Yesterday, on his way out the door, he said that he wanted to see it.
Oh...He knows I haven't been writing in it, because I'm supposed to bring it to him every day. The last entry was dated December 2012.
Here's the thing. The stupid thing.
I quite because it was one of those things that I decided wasn't important to him. Iknow, Iknow--not my decision to make.
I felt like there was a million rules that could all be summed up with one, but here I am writing down some of them every day and having him check on them.
The thing is...It was never meant to be comprehensive. It was is meant to remind me of the things I tend to forget, and keep my focus on submission in daily life. Because really, I could spend days writing down all of the rules, or a moment summing them all up in one phrase.

I did an entry yesterday, and offered it to him this morning. He asked if I really wanted him to have all day to think about it, or if I would prefer a slightly less calculated approach to paying up after he looks at it. Yea, I'll hand it over tonight.

I think that, (hi tori) there is always ebb and flow in any dynamic.
For all of its incredible resilience, the human body is a delicate creation, and adjustments must be made to accommodate its finicky nature. Mine has not been terribly good to me lately, and one of the side effects is hormonal disturbances that make PMS look like a stroll in the park.
So reins were loosened, and adjustments were made. Because really, no one wants their sub going batshit crazy, right?

I know I have said this before, but I need that--the space to flounder and attempt to deal with new realizations and accept new turns in the road. But that space has a finite life of usefulness. And when it's over, there is always bit more control in our dynamic than there was before.

We are coming around to the end of this current lenience, and I can feel the reins tightening in subtle ways.

The book? The book coming back was a not-so-subtle reminder that there are only limits on how he chooses to use his control over me, and how far he decides to take it.

It's been a while since I wrote in that book. And there is sure to be a hefty fee paid in the balancing.
I could lie and say that I'm not nervous, but what would be the point in that?

15 comments:

  1. Maybe being nervous is a good thing? Just thinking out loud, I have no clue. Lol

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  2. *waves*...ooh dont go overusing that phrase otherwise you might need therapy lol

    Im inclined to agree with Misty that perhaps feeling nervous is a good thing...it means you know that you have slipped and you care that you have...does that makes any sense at all?

    x



    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. tori,
      hope you don't mind the wave--I couldn't help it lol. I use the expression so much...

      It is good, and that does make sense.
      Of course, what exactly balancing "the books" will entail, is a great cause for nervousness lol.

      Delete
  3. are you nervous because you don't want to hear the disappointment in His voice? Of how He will respond? or another reason all together? Maybe just talk to Him. Tell Him you know you have faltered, but you want to do better. Good luck!

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    Replies
    1. His slut,
      ah well, actions have consequences that can be less than pleasant. And occasionally surprisingly creative...

      I think that I have done all the talking I'm going to get lol.

      Delete
  4. I threw out a lot of rules over the past year that he threw back at me a few weeks ago and my answer was "well I just you didn't seem to care so I didn't think it mattered".

    lol its easy to say oh he's not looking lol so to speak..let us flounder long enough and see how long it takes to catch us...their fault not ours. I'm just saying .. lol I know wrong answer but hey that's how I feel lately...so spank me ok lol

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    Replies
    1. Daisy,
      you do sound rather bitter...

      Delete
    2. I'm not really bitter lol I just get frustrated because I suggest ways to help me stay submissive and he doesn't help until I'm floundering all over the place then he helps

      Delete
  5. Hi Lil, I too have a book that hasn't been utilised in a while. Darn it, you brought it to my attention LoL. Hmm, should I bring this up with him?

    Loosening then tightening up the reigns happens here a lot too. I think it is necessary at times. We have been mostly on a bit of hiatus but just getting back to ttwd.

    I totally get the nerves. Good luck!

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. Roz,
      if you're anything like me, you'll end up telling on yourself here shortly lol.

      Thank you!

      Delete
  6. Nervous sounds about right, but it sounds like maybe you're on your way back to where you want to be... good luck!!!

    Bekah

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    Replies
    1. Bekah,
      Definitely on the way back!

      Delete
  7. Lil,
    That ebb and flow is so crucial I thing..and I understand how one thing can be dropped, only to be picked up again, later and the resulting butterflies of that.

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    Replies
    1. Bleuame,
      ah the ebb and flow...
      Though, this pickup came with unpleasant consequences lol.

      Delete

Play nice.