Yesterday, on his way out the door, he said that he wanted to see it.
Oh...He knows I haven't been writing in it, because I'm supposed to bring it to him every day. The last entry was dated December 2012.
Here's the thing. The stupid thing.
I quite because it was one of those things that I decided wasn't important to him. Iknow, Iknow--not my decision to make.
I felt like there was a million rules that could all be summed up with one, but here I am writing down some of them every day and having him check on them.
The thing is...It was never meant to be comprehensive. It
I did an entry yesterday, and offered it to him this morning. He asked if I really wanted him to have all day to think about it, or if I would prefer a slightly less calculated approach to paying up after he looks at it. Yea, I'll hand it over tonight.
I think that, (hi tori) there is always ebb and flow in any dynamic.
For all of its incredible resilience, the human body is a delicate creation, and adjustments must be made to accommodate its finicky nature. Mine has not been terribly good to me lately, and one of the side effects is hormonal disturbances that make PMS look like a stroll in the park.
So reins were loosened, and adjustments were made. Because really, no one wants their sub going batshit crazy, right?
I know I have said this before, but I need that--the space to flounder and attempt to deal with new realizations and accept new turns in the road. But that space has a finite life of usefulness. And when it's over, there is always bit more control in our dynamic than there was before.
We are coming around to the end of this current lenience, and I can feel the reins tightening in subtle ways.
The book? The book coming back was a not-so-subtle reminder that there are only limits on how he chooses to use his control over me, and how far he decides to take it.
It's been a while since I wrote in that book. And there is sure to be a hefty fee paid in the balancing.
I could lie and say that I'm not nervous, but what would be the point in that?